Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Thanks for loving me even when I push you away

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    #16
    Hi Wantstounderstand. I can relate to the exhaustion one feels being pushed away and pulled back repeatedly, but for different reasons. It is exhausting. I'm glad you found your way to the forum.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #17
      I am finding that even with trying to take time for myself and putting myself in my DW's shoes, as well as the Family Connections Program and independent counselling. I am still feeling down, and unhappy. DW has had a lot of medical issues lately.. along with Health Anxiety ( on top of other things) and yesterday she had her Scope done and was with my in laws for after the appointment. She sold her car so relies on me to either take her to to take the care ( which is very difficult now as she gets anxiety driving east to my work so stays home unless I am home and than she takes the truck ..... I was going to pick her up after work, but decided that sue to traffic it was better to either wait until after rush hour or she would have my FIL drop her off.. As much as I felt bad for her having to go through that procedure as she can't take any freezing and choose not to take the sedative as it was Fentenayl ... It couldn't have been an easy thing to go though. I am finding I am being worn down by the negativity and the complaining and having to be there a lot due to her anxiety and when she has really bad anxiety I have to find support for her as she has trouble being alone, or than I worry about her while she is home. when we talk there is a lot of negative... I love her so much but this is draining and I am trying to utilize my supports as much as I can but some days I am not sure if I can spend the rest of my life like this.. When she messages me I get anxiety becasue I am wondering what she will be complaining about now or what is going wrong now... I find it difficult to communicate this with her because as you know people that suffer from BPD are very sensitive and even with Validation I don't think that she would take it well...

      Comment


        #18
        Hello wantstounderstand. Hopefully the DBT will start to pay off quickly. For some people it does. Communicating with someone with bipolar can be difficult. However if you can find a space where she is neither seriously manic nor majorly depressed you may be able to have a conversation with her about your feelings. Take Care. paul m
        "Alone we can do so little;
        Together we can do so much"
        Helen Keller

        Comment


          #19
          Just to clarify my DW has BPD not Bipolar. And yes I will continue to have conversations with her when things are neutral. Thank you for the support

          *** I just wanted to update my wife has been Diagnosed with Bipolar, At first they thought it was 1 now they are saying 2. She has a full psycological assessment coming up in early june ( if she goes ) she is still back and for about treatment ( specifically meds ) and the extra steps that need to be taken... ***
          Last edited by wantstounderstand; May 25, 2019, 01:06 PM.

          Comment


            #20
            BPD = borderline personality disorder for those of you that may not know.
            AJ

            Humans punish themselves endlessly
            for not being what they believe they should be.
            -Don Miguel Ruiz-

            Comment


              #21
              Thanks for the clarification AJ. I think those get mixed up a lot.
              uni

              ~ it's always worth it ~

              Comment


                #22
                Originally posted by uni View Post
                Hi wantstounderstand. Being exhausted is no picnic, that's for sure. It has a way of making everything look worse. Did you glean anything helpful at your group on Tuesday?
                The whole 12 weeks was amazing... I learned a lot with the whole thing, and there were a few cry sessions as well.. It's great to hear stories and experiences from other people... I look forward to finding a support group.. Thanks for asking!!!

                Comment


                  #23
                  Originally posted by paul m View Post
                  Hello wantstounderstand. Hopefully the DBT will start to pay off quickly. For some people it does. Communicating with someone with bipolar can be difficult. However if you can find a space where she is neither seriously manic nor majorly depressed you may be able to have a conversation with her about your feelings. Take Care. paul m


                  ****** Since things are so up in the air at the moment.. Her DBT has been paused while she gets on meds and allows things to hopefully settle down. However the med they started her on is making it difficult for her to breath.. so I am not sure what is going to happen next... *****

                  Comment


                    #24
                    Hello . Sorry to hear about that. Take Care. paul m
                    "Alone we can do so little;
                    Together we can do so much"
                    Helen Keller

                    Comment


                      #25
                      I hope your sister's meds and DBT both get back on track soon. And it's wonderful to hear that you got so much out of the group sessions!
                      uni

                      ~ it's always worth it ~

                      Comment


                        #26
                        Originally posted by uni View Post
                        I hope your sister's meds and DBT both get back on track soon. And it's wonderful to hear that you got so much out of the group sessions!
                        uni Its my wife that I am talking about ..

                        i hope she does too once we find one that will help her .. all they have tried to perscribe is anti-phys and that isn't what she needs... fingers crossed...

                        Thank you for the post

                        Comment


                          #27
                          Of course it's your wife, wantstonderstand, I'm sorry for getting that wrong.
                          My fingers are crossed too...
                          uni

                          ~ it's always worth it ~

                          Comment


                            #28
                            Hello wantstounderstand. . I hope it all works out for you. Take Care,
                            "Alone we can do so little;
                            Together we can do so much"
                            Helen Keller

                            Comment


                              #29
                              It was a really rough night last night.

                              First off my DW is so terrified of the virus that it takes over every minute ... even in her sleep ... dream and thoughts just don't stop... My FIL doesn't believe in it and our MIL is high risk as she is a cancer survivor..

                              we wash and re-bag our groceries. shower and change after coming home .. even put our clothes in bags... even when we go for a drive we change .. but not always shower ..
                              when we take our dog out we wipe his paws down when he comes in ... Due to my FIL's mind frame ... he can't see our dog.. so we have to monitor when he goes out back because he has a man cave out there and our dog loves to go visit him ... (but he doesn't wash his hands as often as he should .. ie after he takes the garbage out ) ... ... and pretty much walk him on and around the front yard to avoid him stepping in spit ( a person that was by my wife actually spit in her direction the other week and said that the mask won't save her ) that was hours to deal with ...

                              Yesterday we decided to go for a walk after dinner.... and we got to a point on the street where there were people on both sides. we had to hang back so the the people on the other side passed so we could cross as we couldn't get past the people in front of us safely .... the people on the other side of the street started to cross in a long diagonal line ... almost directly at us ... and we had to step back and sideways to get out of their way ... they were talking and didn't have masks on .... we didn't have masks on ... we were just going around the block..... so you can imagine how this resonated with my wife... she felt that she now has covid (already been tested 3 times) feels that she and the couch she sat on is contaminated.... so stripped the cover and pillow cases for laundry and had to take a shower.. she was breaking down.. freaking out ... and even started talking about suicide... She has suicidal Ideation ...


                              When this happens all I can do is sit and listen.. I can't say much because when she is in these mind frames she can't listen to the positives ... everything is negative.. I have witnessed her attempt a few times ... Can you imagine how helpless someone feels when this is going on .... I can't go to anyone because she will only tell them what they want to hear ( i have witnessed that as well) I have seen her discharged from the hospital telling the staff that she was ok... and they saw no risk and this was after the attempt ,,,


                              I feel so alone and overwhelmed... I don't feel like I have anywhere to turn. I can't always talk to her about how I am feeling because I feel the pain that comes with hearing how she wants to end her life and that can't be a burden on her too.... ... I understand why.. she is in pain every day.... doctors can't find anything... she is tired of tests and we can't rule out somatic disorder until all the tests are done .... .. that being said I want the lines of communication to be open so that she feels safe talking to me .. because most of the time when people are like this .. they are crying for help. they want people to hear them ... not to lock them up and drug them .. But this has been going on for 2 years at least ... when things got really bad in 2018 I swore that I wouldn't end 2019 with her in my life.. I am constantly afraid of when I will find her dead... what I will wake up to ... I feel like I can't say or do the right things.. in the moment.. but when things calm down she praises me and thanks me for being there... when things are good ... they are good.. when they are bad.. they are really bad... In these moments I feel like I am ever waiting for the other shoe to drop... I sit with her ... listening to her talk about how sick and tired of this life she is in ... how covid is going to get her and she wants to go out on her own terms... I sit in silence ... my heart breaking ... trying not to cry as I am feeling the need to be strong ... But all I want to do is crawl in a hole and hide... I can't fix this .. I can't make her see the good in things.. especially with the way the world is now ... I am sometimes getting to the point where I don't see the joy in things... I try really hard .. because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel... its just a matter of time ... I know that we will all adapt to whatever the new normal is ... but she doesn't ... she fears it so much that she has written off any future... she is just waiting for the end ... pining away ... and is retreating inside more and more .... I just needed to vent again .. Sorry about the long post... I just feel so alone and and I know I am not ... I just don't know where to turn ....

                              Comment


                                #30
                                Hello wantstounderstand. It sounds like a super stressful situation you're dealing with, and you've been through so much. If posting on here is of help, post away, a lot or a little, whatever you like.

                                You are only one person in a household of several. The odds are sort of stacked against you. Do you have anyone to call, anyone to talk with, other than the people you live with? It's nice to have someone who isn't part of the family sometimes, just to get a step back and a breath of air for yourself at least.

                                uni

                                ~ it's always worth it ~

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X