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    Help me understand

    Hi, I'm new here. My family has been struggling for years with my 45 yr brother. We suspect he has a mood disorder and can't understand why he won't accept professional help. It doesn't matter what we say or suggest - he does the exact opposite. Now he's been cut off disability assistance, living in a house with no heat, restricted electricity and now, no water. How low does a person have to sink before they say "I need help". The mental and financial drain on our family is taking its toll, but he seems oblivious. Regardless, we will once again seek disability assistance. He's average intelligence and a master of emotional blackmail and manipulation. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. Please help me understand.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums KACL. You and your family are in a tough spot. It's hard to help someone who doesn't want to accept it.
    How low does a person have to sink before they say "I need help".
    I think that's a very individual thing. My low might not be the same as someone else's. If he's not willing to accept professional help, I'm not sure there's much you can do.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      Hello KACL and welcome. Helping someone who doesn't want help can be a real challange. I get the feeling that you somehow think that your brother could prevent his behaviour and that I cannot answer. Please understand that while my explainations below may seem harsh, I understand all too well the pain and suffering that you must be going through while watching your brother deteriorate. I also appreciate your efforts to seek help for him.

      If he indeed does have a serious mental illness he is suffering far more than anyone in the family. The reason why he is oblivious to mental and financial strain on the family is because that is the nature of a mental illness. However I'm sure that nobody in your family would want to trade places with him either.

      Mental illness cuts across all levels of intelligence, education and social structure. It is certainly not something that anyone asks for. In regards for his being cut off of assistance. I know all sort of people who that has happened too. There are usually three main reasons why this happens 1) The anxiety and despair of our illness can sometimes paralyze us and prevent us from taking even simple actions. 2) often those who are supposed to help us are ill equiped to deal with a person in the middle of a mood swing. I can remember one shrink cutting my son off as he was difficult to handle when manic. I would have thought that would have been covered in first yr med school , but I digress, 3) the term "mental illness" means that something is skewed in our thinking.

      In fact the lower we sink, or to use more correct terminology, the sicker we get the harder it is too make proper decisions. Once again, that is the very nature of the illness and not a choice. Actually the term Mental illness is a misnomer. A mental illness is usually brought about because certain physical parts of our brain do not work properly.

      How to help him, well you could have him forcibly brought in front of a doctor, but that is usually a short term solution at best and doesn't always play out well. There are a couple of web pages that may help you at least understand a bit better. They are listed below. Take Care. paul m

      Guide to helping someone with a mood disorder by the MDAO:http://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/gu...-mood-disorder

      Coping Tips by Families Association for Mental Health Everywhere (F.A.M.E.): http://fameforfamilies.com/coping-tips/
      "Alone we can do so little;
      Together we can do so much"
      Helen Keller

      Comment


        #4
        Hi KACL,

        AJ is right in that everyone experiences mental illness differently--not to mention different mental illnesses--so it is hard to say
        what your brother is going through. Even the same person can experience different episodes of depression that have slightly
        different symptoms during each episode.

        Perhaps the best thing you can do is to be there for him if/when he does come for help. Let him know that you're there for him if
        he ever needs to talk about things and tell him how much you really care.

        Sometimes people with mental illness don't seek help because of stigma, sometimes they are in denial. Denial is a legit phase
        that a lot of people go through with accepting any disease or disorder. Sometimes fear plays a role: fear of being put in the
        hospital, fear of having to talk about upsetting events, etc. Some people won't accept help because they feel as though they'd be
        giving up power and control over their lives.

        When I don't seek help (this is going to sound crazy), I usually don't seek help because I want my depression to stay. Sometimes
        I feel like it is a friend keeping me company or sometimes I feel like such a horrible person that I don't deserve to be better or
        get help so I just want to stay sick. The mental illness can play tricks on your thoughts-- making you feel guilty when you aren't
        guilty of anything or making you think that you are a horrible person or that everyone hates you even if you don't have sound
        facts to support those thoughts. Sometimes the depression makes me so hopeless that I don't think that I'll ever get better so
        what's the point in trying?

        Anxiety and panic can also be symptoms that make it hard to get treatment. Some people have genuine phobias of public spaces
        or of being around other people or even of leaving their own house (agoraphobia, I believe). I can by no means diagnose your
        brother, only a qualified physician or psychiatrist can do that but like Paul said, unless you force him to go, he might never see
        one.

        Mental illnesses are often very scary and very lonely. They are full of contradictions both emotional and psychological--sometimes
        physical too (I've been in a mixed episode before where I've been exhausted but restless at the same time).

        If you have any more questions, we'll try to answer them as best we can. Remember in all this to take care of yourself and your
        needs because by you staying healthy and happy, you'll have a healthier outlook on the situation.
        good luck,
        astronaut

        Comment


          #5
          Hi KACL - welcome,

          Your brother's story sounds very familiar. I too have a really hard time asking for help. Even for simple things like picking up groceries or advice on a birthday present. I just have the hardest time trusting anyone (myself included). To take that plunge and admit that I am not able to deal with the day-to-day in life usually feels impossible. I lie to people, telling them I’m fine, that I had a great day, I’m just too ashamed to admit that I am struggling with what others seem to do effortlessly (of course, often, if I just asked, I would find out that they are struggling too!) I’m so afraid to not be perfect that I have become paralyzed. This is my form of control. If I can’t do something flawlessly I choose instead not to do it. I have created a dark and lonely world for myself and I have also lost touch with the world around me. The path back to life in unmarked, and I am still afraid to try anything I might fail at.
          Another aspect is that when a person is depressed the world they see is often very distorted. Speaking for myself, I have felt at times that I was a horrible person. Sometimes I felt like I was no longer even human, that my body had already left and that I was in fact in purgatory. I have often contemplated that homelessness would be a much better option for me that getting a job. I felt unworthy of being a part of society.
          As to the financial and emotional burden – I often get tossed about in huge waves of anxiety, guilt and complete horror at the cost my illness has on my family. Unfortunately, this usually only leads me to contemplate ‘leaving the area’ instead of seeking help.

          I’ve read some books lately that really give a good picture of what its like living with a mental disorder, they might help you get a fresh view of the situation.
          The books : Beyond Crazy, The Last Taboo and The Beast.

          Take care,
          Kaight

          Comment


            #6
            Hello again KACL. Kaight and Astronaut have made excellent points and provided wonderful descriptions. Far better than my post. Kaight has suggest some good reading material too. Take Care. paul m
            "Alone we can do so little;
            Together we can do so much"
            Helen Keller

            Comment


              #7
              Always so humble Paul… Your real life experience and steadfast resourcefulness form the backbone of this forum!

              Comment


                #8
                Hello Kaight. Thx, but wait till I'm a little manic and I think that I'm all knowing and God like. Nice can go out the window in a hurry.

                Plus it takes a lot of people to make a successful forum. Fortunately we have that here. Take Care. paul m
                "Alone we can do so little;
                Together we can do so much"
                Helen Keller

                Comment


                  #9
                  THANK YOU all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I have read, reread and read again your replies, (with many tears throughout) and cannot begin to tell you how fortunate I feel to have found this forum. I needed to hear those things - my brother did not choose to be this way, the denial, depression and other aspects of what he's going through. I had an 'EUREKA!' moment yesterday and finally knew what my brother meant when he said 'No one listens to me'. We are listening, just not UNDERSTANDING. It's one baby step, but a step none the less. Paul, I'll check out those web pages. Kaight, thanks for the book suggestions.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hello KACL. Thx for your comments. Trying to help someone with a major illness is really tough. Both my son and I have bipolar and you would think that I would understand his illness completely. Not true, nor can I always get him to do what is best for himself.

                    The hardest part I find is to be non judgemental. That is really ironic for me to say that as all of my life I have asked people not to judge me.

                    If a person has lung cancer and refuses to stop smoking we can say "silly fool" as that person can make a reasonable and rational choice about their health. However when a person has an illness of the mind reasonable and rational often go out the window.

                    What makes it worse, many of us are rationale 98% of the time, making it real hard for outsiders to understand why we can't be rationale all of the time. When dealing with someone with a mental illness, patience is a definite virtue as are some rules. Not a sudden influx of a list of rules 12 pages long, but small flexible rules, that are slowly built on mutal trust and understanding.

                    The number one reason why someone with a mental illness doesn't take their medication is because of the sometimes horrendous side effects. Side effects that can last a life time. If this is a problem, sometimes taking meds for a short while can help the person get stable and than a psychologist can help them stay there. Psychologists are expensive and often not covered under a provincial health plan, but if the drain is there already, sometime a short term, but costly investment in a pyschologist can be worth it. Take Care. paul m
                    Last edited by paul m; February 5, 2012, 02:11 AM.
                    "Alone we can do so little;
                    Together we can do so much"
                    Helen Keller

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Hello KACL. Welcome to the forum - I'm really glad you found us and are getting some suggestions here. Your brother is lucky to have someone like you willing to look into ways of helping him when he can't/won't help himself. All I can say is keep checking in here and you will learn more and get wonderful support.

                      I'm assuming that with restricted electrical service he's not using a computer, or may not even own one, but on the off chance he does you could let him know about this site. Sometimes we connect better by posts than we do in person, especially when sick. I wish the best for both you and your brother.
                      uni

                      ~ it's always worth it ~

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Hi KACL,

                        This hit home for me:
                        'No one listens to me'. We are listening, just not UNDERSTANDING.
                        Communication is a daily struggle for me.

                        I feel that I rarely get through to people. I try to explain something to someone and I can see I didn’t get my idea across to them. I end up insulting people while I’m actually trying to compliment them. Also, if there is something I want in life, I often end up causing the other thing to happen through bad communication. (Just the way I approach something or word something can provoke the other person to do the opposite.)
                        This leads me to feel very hopeless, as I seem to have very little control over my life. Only being able to achieve things through making people angry is no way to live.
                        Maybe this is how your brother feels…

                        I was happy to see that you have found this forum helpful and that you even had a Eureka moment!

                        Till next time,
                        Kaight

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Kaight,

                          You seem to be a very good communicator to me. You are able to make wise and compassionate comments on the forum just
                          through typing. I have never felt offended by anything that you say. That's worth something!

                          astronaut

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Thank you Astronaut – your kind words are gratefully received.

                            Maybe I'd have better luck in my ‘actual’ life if I wrote notes to people instead of talking to them... Its worth a try!

                            Kaight

                            Comment


                              #15
                              hey, I'm not gonna lie, I have definitely done the note writing thing on more than one occasion...

                              astronaut

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