devastated

[hurtsalot]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this forum and am in need of some advice. My husband is bipolar and I have just been devastated by infidelity. We have a beautiful 10mos old daughter and I thought we were truly happy. I did know that he had been struggling for years with this disorder but felt that he had it under control
since he was taking his meds. Before the birth of our daughter he went on and off his meds stating that he was "feeling good" and didn't need them. It sent him in a downward spiral. He became someone I didn't even recognize. He completely abandoned my daughter and I in her first few months. He
has always been so caring and family has always been a top priority. He works 4hrs away from us so he commutes every 6days (6 days with us, 6 daysaway at work). His friends and co-workers have all informed me that they believe that he is ill and needs some help. We have all asked him to get
some therapy and have his current meds re-evaluated, but he has refused the help. I feel so torn. Do I walk away seeing as he won't get the help he so desperately needs or do I stay and help him realize that he needs to be healthy for our daughter. I'm scared that if he doesn't get help in managing his disorder that my marriage will continue on this path. I would appreciate any advice in dealing with this situation.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums Hurtsalot. You're in a very difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with infidelity. I know I would be devastated too. Until your husband realizes that he is ill and is willing to get the help he needs, there's not much that you can do for him.

Having a daughter to consider must make it that much more difficult. Don't forget to take care of yourself in all this.

You'll find the people on these forums avery caring supportive bunch. I'm glad you found us.

[astronaut]

Welcome, hurtsalot.

I don't know what kind of advice to give. Different strategies work for different personality types. AJ is right in that you can't make
him get help if he doesn't want to; however, you can take care of yourself and your baby. You could sit down with him for a serious
talk and tell him how he has hurt you with his infidelity and you could suggest moving in with your parents (I don't know if you have
an option like this) for a little bit while he sorts himself out. Show him that you're serious and you mean business. This strategy
might not work if he is really depressed and already a sensitive person. Then it might be better to continue to gently offer him
help/a shoulder to lean on while continuing to focus on your baby and your own life. Offering to go to the doctor with him is also a
good idea.

These strategies and suggestions are not exactly fully formed and they may not be very helpful at all. I don't really know enough
about your husband and where he is at in his disorder and what parts of his behaviour are his disorder and what parts are his
personality. It is unfair to continue to stand by someone who is treating you with disrespect but at the same time, being able to
realize that some of this disrespectful behaviour might be a big part of his bipolar is also very insightful of you and it might help
you to keep this relationship together. Bipolar is a complicated illness and it affects the person suffering from it as well as their
loved ones.

I hope that your husband can find the help he needs. Make sure to take care of your and your daughter's needs first.
astronaut

[paul m]

Hello Hurtsalot. I can understand your pain, I haven't been in your shoes, but I've certainly caused enough pain to last 3 people's life's times.

First a few things. A birth of a child can be a major stressor for someone with bipolar. While it may have made you truly happy it probably threw his illness into disary. Many of us partly manage our illness by tightly controlling our lives. The wive's pregnancy and then a new arrival changes a lot in our lives. (stress and major changes can cause my mood to go up or down)

Many of us do throw away our medications when our moods start to swing, it's quite common. I'm not saying it's right, just common. if our minds worked rationally , then we wouldn't have a mental illness.

You state"Do I walk away seeing as he won't get the help he so desperately needs or do I stay and help him realize that he needs to be healthy for our daughter. I'm scared that if he doesn't get help in managing his disorder that my marriage will continue on this path. I would appreciate any advice in dealing with this situation." All legitimate worries, I agree. I can certainly understand your concerns and you must be experiencing many a sleepless night over everything.

However I can almost guarentee you that A) he is in for a long stuggle to get fully better B) unless you are in it for the long haul for his sake,as well as the sake of your daughter and your marriage, that your marriage won't work out anyways. His is a long term illness that will bring many twists and turns over a life time. Adaptability is going to have to become part of your life. By that I don't mean that you have to allow him to play the field, far from it.

You cannot force him to get help, but you can ask him what would have to change for him to get help. You may be surprised by the answers.

For your own sake, you should not have *** with him until he agrees to get help and until he has been throughly checked by a doctor and any ***ual transmitted problems. People who have illict *** while manic are not very carefull about taking precautions. Nor are their promises very reliable until their illness is back under control.

Living with someone with bipolar is a major challange, just like living with anyone who has a major hard to treat life time illness is difficult. It can also be rewarding.

I can reccomend a couple web pages that may help you understand a little more than I have. They are listed at the bottom. Take Care. paul m

http://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/guide-to-helping-someone-with-a-mood-disorder

http://www.mooddisorders.ca/faq/bipolar-disorder

[uni]

Hello Hurtsalot. I have no wise words for you, but do want to welcome you to the forum!

[hurtsalot]

Thanks so much for everyone's comments and words of wisdom. My husband has informed me that our marriage is over. He refuses to get help and told me that he just doesn't love me anymore. It hurt so much but I've exhausted all my options and have done all that I can to help him. I now need help on dealing with all these years of constant worry. I will make sure to focus on my daughter's future and mine.

[astronaut]

I'm so sorry to hear this, hurtsalot. Do you have someone to go to during this time for some extra support? Going through this
alone would be tough. You are wise to look after yourself and your daughter's best interests at this time; it may help you make
more focused decisions.

Paul- your post was very insightful and well put!

astronaut

[hurtsalot]

Thanks Astronaut. I am very lucky to have an excellent support system around me with family & friends.

[paul m]

Hello Hurtsalot. Sorry to here that your marriage is over. Your husband may or may not try coming back. I know that after the birth of our first child I kept sending my wife home to her mothers for a mth at a time as I had no idea what was truly going on in my head. Neither did anyone else and I sure put my wife through H*LL.

He may not decide to come back or you may decide that you don't want him back, but if you two do try and reconcile make sure that there are some conditions laid down that you both can accept.

I know this is a very frightening and upsetting time for you. Take Care. paul m

[hurtsalot]

Thank you Paul. You're right, I don't know what the future holds but if my husband comes back, I will make sure some conditions are made that we can both live with. I have heard from his family that he has made and appt to get help and has taken sick leave from work. Hopefully he focuses on his
health and begins to manage his disorder. Only time will tell.

[paul m]

Hello Hurtsalot. It's a long and twisty road and there aren't very good directions to help us find our way. Quite often I post a link to the MDAO's guide on how to help someone with a mood disorder(bipolar and depression are mood disorders). I will again post this link, not because I think that you need to help your spouse at this point, but because it opens by saying

1. It's not your fault.....

2. You are not alone....

3. Your emotions and reactions are normal.....

4. Take care of yourself....

Of course it sez much more, but the guide does give some pretty good advice.

From my own point of view the worse thing that the illness did to me was destroy my loved ones lives. It wasn't my fault that sh*t happened, it was my illness. BUT no matter what, it wasn't their fault that I got ill either. My illness turned a lot of people's lives upside down and seldom does a day go by that I don't feel some guilt over the agony that I caused others.

A lot of people with bipolar who seek treatment feel the same way that I do. Take Care. paul m

http://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/guide-to-helping-someone-with-a-mood-disorder

[hurtsalot]

Thank you for posting all the links Paul. They have helped me immensely.

[astronaut]

How are you doing, hurtsalot? I am glad to hear that you have a very supportive set of family and friends, I hope you make good
use of them!
astronaut