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    Has my family become toxic?

    What a question to have to ask!

    If you have been reading some of my other posts, you may know I am returning to part time work. This work is seasonal, and it will take me away from home for weeks at a time. Last week was my first field assignment. It was fantastic! I was productive and motivated and felt the appreciation from my colleagues and supervisors. Only hitch was an unexpectedly severe allergic reaction as the work is outdoors and I likely was exposed to ragweed. This was a great concern and I have made a promise to my coworkers that I will seek medical advice on this condition. Weather conditions forced us off the jobsite yesterday and the decision was made to return home to allow the fields to dry out.

    I drove home and arrived in the usual disarray that my life has become. I share my home with my spouse and 2 adult offspring. All of their problems remained unsolved, the grass remained uncut, the cars needed attention and there was no progress on any renovation projects. They know how I feel about participation in the household routine and they know my displeasure in that nearly every activity requires my direct involvement. They choose instead to hone their video game skills, read a book, or sleep in late. No one is out earning a salary except me and that is not by my choice or direction. Within an hour of arriving home, I felt the hopelessness creep in.

    I could continue to rant, but I learned long ago that it really won't change anything. I would like to get the help this family needs, but how? Any attempt to discuss falls on deaf ears and I will be accused of being dictatorial, but I cannot continue with this. This morning the phone call arrived that we will be back in the field early next week. I am forcing myself through the next few days with the anticipation that I can escape this circus soon. I made an appointment with the MD to discuss the allergy situation, but I will postpone it just so I can get back out. Of course, that just postpones the inevitable and winter will come soon enough. Allergies will subside and the chores and projects will disappear under the snow only to reemerge next spring. Again, I can expect no help.

    I don't believe I am overbooking. We are talking about basic household maintenance here, like cutting the grass. Outside of the revelations of the last 24 hours, I have hoped not to put my family life on my list of triggers for my depression. Has my family become toxic? How do I deal with that?

    #2
    Hello Fighting Back. "Has my family become toxic?" is actually a pretty common question. Certainly not a pleasant question but common. If they are affecting your mental health then they may have become toxic.

    I'm certainly no expert on this subject and what follows is just my own opinions and what I have learned from others over the years. That doesn't mean that the info is a good fit for you, just some food for thought.

    Many people and professionals advise that one should just get out of toxic relationship, however that is just not always possible. Those who really know what they are doing advise someone who wants to stay in a toxic relationship to first do what they can for their own health and well being within the confines of that relationship.

    As I volunteer around the peripherals of the mental health care field I see time and time again people being prescribed medication when all the meds in the world can't help because of the situation they are in.

    Al-Anon( for the friends and families of alcoholics) has this to say about why people should go to their meetings. (and I am in no way suggesting that alcohol is a problem, just Al-Anon has a great way of putting things)
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Many who come to Al-Anon are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change.
    In Al-Anon, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The above can be applied to many situations, not just families of alcoholics.

    So step one is to try and find some support for yourself. In my area Catholic life family services offers free and low cost individual and family counselling.(it's non denominational) Most areas of Cda you can now use 211(like 411, only for services and is free) to see if there are any supports in your area. While it would be nice to get the whole family into counselling, that's probably not practical, but you should look for some help for yourself. A good counsellor will help you learn ways to with stand the tremendous stress that you are under.

    An interesting article, long and has to be read all the way to the end if it to be of any help, is one about the kinds of toxic relationships and what can be done about them. It's not all that great on answers,but it does have some tips. http://www.healthscopemag.com/toxic-relationships/

    I'm sorry that I don't have better advice, you certainly are in a difficult situation. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m
    Last edited by paul m; August 23, 2014, 11:28 PM.
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

    Comment


      #3
      Hi Paul,

      Thanks for that link. Very good article and quite helpful. I recognized many characteristics, even in myself.

      I'm afraid I have made myself unwilling to leave. At this stage of life, a split would be financial disaster for my spouse and myself. As for my children, they will always be my offspring, no matter what transpires. I don't know if it becomes the path of least resistance, or the path of least damages, but my best option is to stay with the ship. Hard to believe I am typing that here, because that little voice is telling me that I would be more comfortable on my own. There are tiny beacons of hope. The other day, my wife decided to join the push to get the lawn cut. Her words, "Dad has limited time and limited energy", so I know she understands. I don't want to have to educate anyone else on that.

      I am arrogant enough to believe that I can usually do a better job myself and I get frustrated when my investment in others produces marginal results. Yet, I can point to career successes where I have trained others to perform. I find it increasingly frustrating to continue to do so. I also see this trait in others as they age. I also see where this trend is increasingly affecting our family dynamics and my behavior is a contributing factor. The only way to change others behavior is to change my behavior, but I am finding that my options have diminished to the point where I no longer know where to turn. Family counseling opportunities are rare. We are not religious and we have moved often enough that our social roots are not deep. Quite a recipe for a not so tasty stew.

      I don't really feel the need for companionship. I tend to be a loner and I crave the quiet times. My wife is much the same, however she has more success with ducking the day to day inevitabilities. She fits the description of over dependant in the linked article. The point made of deferring the decision of what we would have for supper fits our situation on a daily basis.

      I know I need to ask for help. My wife remains on Cipralex as my moods have affected her as well. I don't think our local GP is a believer in antidepressants, which I agree with, but he does continue to renew her prescription which was provided by our previous GP in our old location. I also find local referral services to be non existent. I'm going to try again, but depression is a way of life around here. My oldest son has come around to the point where he is actively seeking employment, but his lack of success has seriously eroded his self confidence and mood. My youngest son does not seem to even try, although he may have the best chance of us all as he does not seem to struggle with depression. Unfortunately, we have not been setting a good example for him. I think precipitating another family crisis by leaving would not be good for anyone.

      So, I remain stuck, but I'm going to keep trying. Thanks for listening.
      Last edited by Fighting back; August 24, 2014, 12:39 PM.

      Comment


        #4
        Well, 48 hours later and we have a new twist. I was saying my youngest son possibly was not affected by the general depression around here. Looks like I was wrong. Came home to find him bawling and my wife trying to comfort him. He took the initiative to try applying for some jobs today. Made it to the doorstep of the local Timmie's and froze. He was terrified to approach them for a job, so he returned home terrified that he had disappointed me.

        Well, I can understand a case of the jitters and I know he is aware of our declining finances, but once again I am painted as the bad guy? I do not blame anybody for anything! I got sick, I can no longer provide like I used to and when I ask for help, it blows up in my face. The rest of the day has not been much better. This is not been a very satisfying rant at all. Now I'm doing my best to smooth over his feelings and offer what I hope will be good advice to help him conquer his fears and enable him to begin a productive life for himself. I can't seem to say anything to anybody, no matter how carefully worded without stirring the pot. Needless to say, this is not helping me heal.

        Tomorrow is back on the road. I hope the break will do some good.

        Comment


          #5
          Do you have computer access while on the road, Fighting Back?
          uni

          ~ it's always worth it ~

          Comment


            #6
            Hello Fighting Back. Sounds like you really had a tough day.

            I wasn't there and I have no idea what was said. However I know that sometimes our children do the wrong things with good intentions. They also sometimes feel incredible amounts of pressure that we really didn't put there, society did, but Mom or Dad are society in their young eyes.

            I can't say for certain why your son froze, but I would be willing to bet what was running through his head went something like this " I'm such a failure I probably can't even get a job at Tim Hortons and they hire anyone. Everyone will know what a failure I have been. All of society will call me a failure." etc etc In an emotional state like that it's easy to transfer blame to someone else. (like dad)

            You may have caught the blame, but you weren't at fault. A lot of anxieties start out in young people this way

            My story, as follows, is different than yours, but it shows how a bad illness can ruin good intentions. My wife has always been incredibly concerned about our kids. All parents are, but if I don't hear from our sons for 3 mths I presume that they are ok.

            The first time our son spent some time in the hospital(bipolar) he only told his bother. (they lived 300km away). After 3 wks of not be able to get a hold of our son we finally drove the 300km and grilled his brother.

            Turns out that son 1 had sworn son 2 to secrecy because son 1 didn't want to worry Mom(and to some extent dad). Son 2 thought "sure why not, sometimes Mom does worry too much".

            Everybody involved felt bad. My wife was crying because her kids didn't trust her enough to care when they were sick. My kids were upset that they had upset mom so much when all they were trying to do was stop her from worrying so much. My wife is upset because she watched what all I went through and is horrified that her son may now have to go through all of that. Meanwhile I'm upset(worried about our son) and trying to not end up in the hospital myself and wondering how I got stuck trying to arbitrate all of this. Plus I started to get more than a little prickly when it was hinted that it was my fault because a doctor had said that our son had inherited the likely hood of getting bipolar from me.(that's true, but it didn't help my state of mind)

            Good intentions all around, bad results, bad things were said because a serious illness had caused us all to react in ways that we shouldn't have.

            Anyways, I've babbled too much. Good Luck with your very difficult situation. I hope that you can find a solution. Take Care. paul m
            "Alone we can do so little;
            Together we can do so much"
            Helen Keller

            Comment


              #7
              Hi,

              Yes Uni, I am connected while on the road, sometimes by a really crappy hotel connection. Time seems to be in short supply. Have not had time to check in till today!

              Hi Paul and thanks for the babbling! It does help keep spirits up, just to even talk/listen for a while.

              Well, Son #2 had a visit to the doctor and now is taking anti anxiety medication and anti depressants. I really wish life did not take him there, but we do seem to have a family tradition to uphold. I know his concerns were well intentioned, but it is so easy to send me over the edge these days. I am still holding out about taking anti depressants myself as I really have not found them to be a positive experience I wish there was some means of family counseling for this situation, but how? We are talking about 4 adults here and nobody is going to be allowed to "dictate" anything to anybody. How can you possibly mediate something like this?

              Well, I've got another week and a half on the road to cool down and think this through.

              Comment


                #8
                Hello Fighting Back. It sounds like the job is keeping you busy. I hope that's a good thing.

                I know what you mean about hotel internet connections, they aren't always the most dependable.

                I'm sorry to hear that your son is running into trouble. At least he's going for help, which is a brave thing to do, so good for him. As for family counseling, it doesn't have to be all or nothing; sometimes if even one or two people go it has a ripple effect and the ball starts rolling from there.

                I hope your time on the road will be beneficial with all that's going on.
                uni

                ~ it's always worth it ~

                Comment


                  #9
                  Well, 8 months later, I feel the need to comment on this again. This time, I think I can call it happy news.

                  Son #1 has gone and come back over the last few months. He had found work in another city and maintained his own place for a time, but he got very homesick and found work closer to home. The good news is he has remained employed and the new job is even better than the one he found away from home. He is staying with us temporarily, but is actively looking for his own place.

                  Son #2 and my wife have found work at a new store opening in town. They just had their first day and it is looking promising. For the first time in many years, I found myself alone in the house with everyone gainfully employed. It was a fantastic feeling!

                  I myself am returning to my new seasonal occupation and I'm looking forward to it.

                  I really had not realized how badly this situation had been affecting my mood. I really needed to get some participation from everyone and with even a glimmer of hope on the horizon, all the problems which still exist day to day seem so much easier to deal with. Earlier, I questioned whether my family could be a trigger for my depression and I have to say, yes they are, but just knowing and accepting that seems to help.

                  I wanted to share this as we so often hear each other out about the problems we face and we never seem to hear the positive. I have had some pretty dark days, but it was worth sticking around.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Thanks for the update Fighting back! Things sound much better then they have been.
                    AJ

                    Humans punish themselves endlessly
                    for not being what they believe they should be.
                    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I'm so happy for you! Hope that next step is son 1 or 2 move out soon. I say make home less inviting and they'll move out? lol but good for you.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by purgatory View Post
                        I say make home less inviting and they'll move out?
                        Maybe like this?



                        Comment


                          #13
                          Hello Fighting back. Thx for sharing your story. It's true that we do need to hear about hope and positive results. Take Care. paul m p.s. I too always loved that commercial
                          "Alone we can do so little;
                          Together we can do so much"
                          Helen Keller

                          Comment


                            #14
                            I'd never seen that video before. It's hilarious Thanks for posting it, Fighting Back.
                            uni

                            ~ it's always worth it ~

                            Comment

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