Relationships - sibling issues

[prairierose]

Okay. My mom was bipolar and committed suicide about a decade ago. My Dad and she were divorced. Dad is now remarried and has depression. They had six kids. The first one has a son with PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and a daughter-in-law who is bipolar. The second one has mental health issues he refuses to have treated, but can function...barely...without medication. As in, life would be a lot easier for people around him if he went on medication, but he won't. The third child, is a doctor. The fourth child has attitude problems related to mental health. More on her later. Then there's me. I'm bipolar. And my little sister has anxiety and depression.

The fourth child is causing serious problems in the family. She hasn't done any research on mental health, as far as I can tell. She has a black and white view of the world. She is wealthy and travels Canada telling stories to family members and friends from her perspective of what she sees in all the families with mental health patients. They are not good stories.

Invariably the mental health patient is "taking advantage" of the situation by not working or threatening to commit suicide. She had a very rocky relationship with Mom and didn't talk to her for the last 10 or 15 years of Mom's life. There was some nasty business going on with money. She did right by Mom in the end, but she lacked compassion and understanding when dealing with her, and did not explain things adequately to Mom. Plus Mom got paranoid over the whole situation. It was just bad news. So she quit talking to Mom...period.

Whenever we mental health patients are in the room with this woman, she finds subtle and not so subtle ways to put us down "in our place", as she sees it. It is very manipulative and very condescending. A very toxic situation.

I have started speaking up for the mentally ill members of the family to other family members...pointing out there is another opinion than this woman's. However, I am appalled that even the doc in the family is listening to her. I roundly told her this week that when this woman actually reads and researches on mental health, then I'll listen to her opinion on the subject. Until then, I have no interest in what she says about anyone.

And just why they are gossiping about everyone really gets my goat. I am trying to be positive about the situations involved as much as possible. These people and their families need help, not criticism and condescension.

Anyone with experiences like these who could give some pointers if I ever have to go head to head with this woman? Right now she and I aren't talking. She views me as sub-human, because I'm bipolar. But if we move, which we plan to in a couple of year's time, she will be more in my face at family gatherings.

[Fighting back]

Hi Prairierose,

Well, the sibling thing is something that is almost inevitable. There is going to be one in every crowd and we all have our own opinions, which sometimes clash. I think you gave us an important clue in that sibling #4 has money. I know there are wealthy people out there who are good people and wealth alone will not make anyone bad, but it does seem to be a catalyst in that those who have it may feel it validates their opinion. Conversely, people tend to listen to those who have achieved financial success. I can't think of anything that it would validate in my mind, but I too have my opinions.

One of the not so neat features that a mood disorder brings can be a feeling of persecution. It's pretty easy to be intimidated by just about anything as we are constantly on guard should our moods betray us. You may be surprised at how others perceive the things said about our condition that we perceive as negative. Tongues will always wag, but we don't have to interpret this as a slight. I was in on a conversation recently on the subject of a local tragedy. We had a person lose the battle against depression and took her own life. One well meaning individual commented how he felt her actions were selfish and he was roundly shut down by those who could see how illness had brought about this chain of events. The lesson here is what we may consider to be the popular notion is, in fact belonging to the minority.

It's interesting that so many in your family have some degree of difficulty with mental health. It reminds me of my mother's family. Family situations seem to make mental health almost a contagious condition. My maternal relatives included some very functional people, including a doctor, just like your family, yet I can say from my vantage point that they were all suffering from various levels of anxiety. I find in my own family that my mood can easily spread to other family members. When my mood is low, that is not a good thing. Perhaps your sibling #4 recognizes this as well and possibly fears for her own sanity? Destructive opinions may be her self defense mechanism?

[prairierose]

Thanks for replying Fighting Back. You may be right about the money making her feel her opinion is more valid. She worked hard to earn her money and she doesn't see why the rest of us can't do the same. In fact, the two families with the most mental health issues are the two poorest families in the extended family. Which makes sense when you consider what they have had to deal with that has distracted them from earning money and kept them from getting jobs in some cases. That particular sister just views the people with mental health issues in those families as lazy.

LOL about persecution! I have my fair share of that! But when this woman starts telling everyone in the family that our nephew is a ne'er-do-well who threatens suicide to control his parents and because he doesn't want to work, and in fact the kid is suffering PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression, then I blow a gasket. Said kid was caught in a basement when one wall collapsed during a flood. He has panic attacks anytime he hears rushing water. He self-harms in a variety of ways and is having a daily struggle not to do serious injury to himself. I really think she could cut him a bit of slack, know what I mean? You don't get over something like that overnight.

One problem is the family is spread across the continent, so we don't hear whole stories. We hear snippets of this and that. She's the one with the money and the one who travels most...and carries the stories. You'd think in this age of the Internet people would get online and chat up people to confirm stories, but apparently no one takes the time.

I think she does fear for her own sanity because the doc sis mentioned she made a decision and point of being positive and would not let anyone take that away from her. Makes me wonder...

[paul m]

Hello Parrierose. Fighting back has some great observations and advice. I also come from a large family and in my family we were raised to not talk about mental illness, even though there appears to be a family history of it.

For a long time, I put up with or argued about the put downs etc. Now a days I don't speak much to most of my relatives. For the most part I have discovered that when someone refuses to be educated, there is little that you can do. So I spend my time trying to educate those who would like to be educated.

I'm polite to any of my relatives whenever our paths happen to cross, but I seldom allow myself to get dragged into a discussion surrounding mental health issues or for that matter gossip of any kind.

I find that it is pretty amazing that given the families history, that they don't want to know about mental health as it could be one of their kids or grand kids that could be affected someday. But I cannot change that. If they ask for my advice or help, I give it freely, other than that I mind my own business, for my own sanity's safety if for no other reason.

I certainly can understand you wanting to stand up for your nephew, but sometimes the only thing we can do is refuse to take part in such conversations and make sure that those who have problems know that we are there if they need us.

At one time it hurt having limited contact with my family, but I'm past that now. I know from experience that many families don't get along no matter what, while other families thrive quite nicely with out seeming to make an effort. Sometimes it has nothing to do with mental health issues, that's just how things work out. Take Care. paul m

[prairierose]

Thanks Paul. Our family didn't used to talk about it either. Until #4 decided to say bad things about Mom over the money issue. I felt that was unfair to take advantage of Mom that way, so once a year I'd write a missive to all my siblings about how Mom was doing. I lived 10 hours away and we visited a few times a year - both her at my place and me at her place. Mom knew I was doing this and appreciated it. She especially appreciated the feedback she would get from my doc sis as a result of the letter, and the fact it made her visits with my siblings easier, as everyone knew what to expect. My siblings really appreciated it too...or most of them. I never heard from #4.

I am trying to keep communication lines with my relatives open, but recognize I have two siblings (#2 and #4) that I can no longer be around...for my own health. It may mean avoiding those future family gatherings, but I hope not.