Hi, new poster here. My partner is diagnosed as bipolar, has been hospitalized a handful of times (she's in her late 20s), and has a history of suicide attempts. I have some pretty strong codependent traits, and generally have thought of myself as a very supportive person, whether or not I actually am. I am, however, somewhat conflict-averse and often prone to side-stepping responsibility.
I'm writing because several times over the course of our relationship, she has been in crisis and I have left her alone with it - either due to a previous commitment (usually work, I work shifts), or due to me consenting when she's asked me to leave, even when I know she's at risk and needs help (when I've done this, she's usually - sometimes immediately - told me that she was testing me, and that she wanted me to stay). She's told me that my leaving her in these instances badly exacerbated her crises, and she has the scars to show for it. I've often promised to be there for her when she needs me - these instances, obviously, are betrayals of that.
I'm not sure what a healthy response to this is. I feel massive guilt, to start. Part of me feels responsible. Part of me feels helpless. Part of me feels resentment. I want to promise to be there but I'm scared to do so - but my being scared to do so feels like hedging, giving myself leeway to do this again. I know I'm not alone in this, but I feel alone; what can I do?
I'm writing because several times over the course of our relationship, she has been in crisis and I have left her alone with it - either due to a previous commitment (usually work, I work shifts), or due to me consenting when she's asked me to leave, even when I know she's at risk and needs help (when I've done this, she's usually - sometimes immediately - told me that she was testing me, and that she wanted me to stay). She's told me that my leaving her in these instances badly exacerbated her crises, and she has the scars to show for it. I've often promised to be there for her when she needs me - these instances, obviously, are betrayals of that.
I'm not sure what a healthy response to this is. I feel massive guilt, to start. Part of me feels responsible. Part of me feels helpless. Part of me feels resentment. I want to promise to be there but I'm scared to do so - but my being scared to do so feels like hedging, giving myself leeway to do this again. I know I'm not alone in this, but I feel alone; what can I do?
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