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Walked away - dealing with the aftermath

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    Walked away - dealing with the aftermath

    Hi, new poster here. My partner is diagnosed as bipolar, has been hospitalized a handful of times (she's in her late 20s), and has a history of suicide attempts. I have some pretty strong codependent traits, and generally have thought of myself as a very supportive person, whether or not I actually am. I am, however, somewhat conflict-averse and often prone to side-stepping responsibility.

    I'm writing because several times over the course of our relationship, she has been in crisis and I have left her alone with it - either due to a previous commitment (usually work, I work shifts), or due to me consenting when she's asked me to leave, even when I know she's at risk and needs help (when I've done this, she's usually - sometimes immediately - told me that she was testing me, and that she wanted me to stay). She's told me that my leaving her in these instances badly exacerbated her crises, and she has the scars to show for it. I've often promised to be there for her when she needs me - these instances, obviously, are betrayals of that.

    I'm not sure what a healthy response to this is. I feel massive guilt, to start. Part of me feels responsible. Part of me feels helpless. Part of me feels resentment. I want to promise to be there but I'm scared to do so - but my being scared to do so feels like hedging, giving myself leeway to do this again. I know I'm not alone in this, but I feel alone; what can I do?

    #2
    Hello WantingToHelp and welcome to the forum. The following probably won't answer your questions, however I do admire you wanting to try and find answers. Often the best way to find answers is to learn all you can about an illness, so please don't be afraid to ask even more questions on here.

    Your situation is complex and there are no simple answers. The MDAO has provided a guide to help someone with a mood disorder and most of it concerns looking after yourself, because you cannot help someone if you become ill or resentful yourself. https://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/g...-mood-disorder

    You and your partner are in this together and if you stay together long enough there may be many occurrences where one is ill and the other has to help out, often for extended periods of time.

    So if you want your partnership to last you will both have to work out what your limits are. You have said " She's told me that my leaving her in these instances badly exacerbated her crises, and she has the scars to show for it."

    I can't say how you should handle this as I'm not familiar enough with your situation and I am not a trained social worker or doctor. However I firmly believe that bipolar is my illness and I had better learn how to deal with it as my wife could get run down by a bus tomorrow and nobody else cares.

    Sure I want my wife to help me and be there for me, but the primary responsibility to try and get better is still mine. No doubt you leaving when she wanted you around didn't help, but that is something that the two of you will have to work out. When dealing with any major illness, testing someone's commitment doesn't help anyone get better. Good Luck and Take Care. Paul M
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

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      #3
      I don't have anything to add except to add my welcome to the forum.
      AJ

      Humans punish themselves endlessly
      for not being what they believe they should be.
      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

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