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    Need Some Support Advice

    Hello,

    I’m not very good with online forums. I suffer from social anxiety and have never felt comfortable reaching out to others, but I’m in a situation where I have nowhere to turn. I feel utterly alone and helpless and am hoping to seek advice. So here goes:

    I am actually writing about my husband who has suffered from depression for most of his life. He was diagnosed in his early twenties and was prescribed medication. It took him a while to find the right kind and dosage but he found a regiment that worked for him. I know he still takes his medication regularly and prior to the context which has caused him to revert to chronic depression, it worked well.

    When I first met him, his depression did not have a major impact on his life. Yes, there would be some days where he would feel down and depressed. But we were able to deal with them together and manage them. It was only over the last two years that things have spiralled out of control, largely due to my situation.

    A little over two years ago I developed a chronic issue with my bladder. It is very difficult to describe because it has not been medically diagnosed and frankly, my doctors and specialists have not been able to pin it down, let alone show any care or concern. I’ve only had some help from some physiotherapists and osteotherapists but the progress is extremely slow and I’ve come to the conclusion that my situation is not temporary. My health has impacted every aspect of my life since my bladder symptoms are caused by diet, mood and anxiety, and physical posture (even down to the side I sleep on or the chair I sit in) and it basically feels like my bladder is BEYOND full all the time, 24/7. So all I can do is be extremely strict with my diet (which at first was concerning because I was starving myself for the first month to avoid symptoms), manage my mood, and be careful with posture.

    Even with that said, it feels like torture. I cannot keep a job. I have tried but I can barely focus with my symptoms and any stress whatsoever makes it worse. In addition, I find myself struggling to keep up with household chores and routines. Most importantly, my anxiety has skyrocketed where now I am so concerned about basic interactions or small tasks. Despite all of this, I am trying to stay positive. I accept that I have bad days and take them for what they are. I have accepted my health situation as a part or my life but it does not make it easy. Especially for my husband.

    With all this going on, I find that my husband is the most impacted. It has made his depression significantly worse, to the extent that he does not resemble the person I once knew. I hate myself for saying this, but it scares me.

    He worries about me ALL the time. I love him so much for being supportive and trying to take care of me, but at this point, I have told him that he needs to focus on himself and stop worrying about me so much. I have come a long way in coping with my health and I do not need him to take care of me all the time. But that is not the main issue in itself. The root I believe is this: he feels broken for seeing me struggle with my health and he feels useless since he cannot make me better. On top of it, he also in unemployed and is struggling to find work so our financial situation is not helping either. He has told me that he feels broken and that he feels useless. It breaks my heart because I feel like I do not make him feel valued and even worse, that my health has done this to him.

    He is also very pessimistic and it is made even worse when he is depressed. This is even more apparent when I get anxious or stressed. Usually, I will rant about something that is bothering me to “get it off my chest” so to speak. After I have done this I feel better, distract myself with something, and move on. However, lately when I do this, my husband shuts down to the extent that he is upset when I have already resolved it. It is so difficult because he is the only person I trust and that I can talk to about anything. But lately, I feel like I have to hide so much to keep him from getting upset. For example, when my grandmother passed away recently I couldn’t grieve because he was upset as soon as I expressed my thoughts. It feels awful to say this, but a part of me resented him because I had to stay strong when I was the one who needed to grieve for my grandmother.

    I have always supported my husband through his depression and have always put him first. I wanted to and vowed to. But lately, I find myself pulling away and I feel like the worst person. I feel like I am betraying him. But I am trying so hard to keep myself afloat with my health and anxiety issues and my energy is spent. Not only do I feel trapped within my own body but within our relationship. I want to help but I don’t know what to do.

    I apologize for the lengthy post, but If anyone has any advice or would be here to talk it would mean the world to me right now.

    Thank you.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums K.K. You have a lot to deal with. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. Perhaps the support you need for the grieving process may come in some other way, other then your husband. It sounds like he has his own stuff going on. Perhaps a grief support group might be helpful? Do you have any family or friends that you might talk to?

    I had an issue with my bladder after surgery I had for another problem. Fortunately it was short lived, but it was horrible. I found it hard to deal with and hard to talk about. I hope they can get to the bottom of it. I know dealing with our health care system can be quite frustrating. Being your own advocate when you're not feeling well is hard.

    Somehow we think we should be available and supportive to our spouse 24/7. The truth is that we all have our 'stuff' to deal with. Sometimes there isn't enough energy left over to deal with a spouse's issues. I have found that agreeing to a later time to talk about things can be helpful when I'm too spent to do it in that moment. The acknowledgement of the issue and the agreement to set time aside later to talk helps to alleviate the guilt.

    Sometimes it can be helpful to have someone else to talk to other then our spouse. A friend or a therapist for instance. It takes some of the pressure off our spouse and we can express what's going on without worrying about the other person.

    In terms of grieving especially, but also with other things, it helps me to write my feelings down. Sometimes it's just a few key words. There seems to be a shift that happens when I get it on paper.

    Perhaps counselling might be helpful for you and your spouse as a couple. I found it helpful during one of our more difficult times together.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

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      #3
      Hello K.K. and welcome. I can understand you and your husband having a really difficult time. You each have your own health issues and add in a few financial problems and life can become very difficult.

      What follows are just a few things that I have learned along my life's path and none of it is intended as a criticism of you or your husband, because what happened to me may be entirely different than your situation.

      There is an old saying that goes something like this. "you can't help someone else when you are unwell your self" . Both my wife and I know that we have to look after our own health issues first and with what ever left over energy we then try and help the other person. When we are both truly unhealthy, this becomes a chore.

      Your husbands antidepressant may have quit working. This is not unusual , many antidepressants quit working suddenly after 3-5 yrs, so if he's having increased signs of depression he should talk to his doctor about his alternatives. It's so common, that they have an unofficial name for it called " anti depressant poop out" (honestly) For more info try googling it or : http://www.webmd.com/depression/feat...sion-treatment

      Depression can certainly lead to anxieties, negative attitudes, pessimism, procrastination and a host of other things.

      As well anyone with a sudden plunge into deep depression should always have a very through physical as many physical problems can cause depression like symptoms.

      In regards to your bladder , I'm no doctor, but what you have described sounds like overactive bladder syndrome. It certainly may not be, but I have posted a few websites that describe ways to treat it, bit with and without medication. There are a lot of things that can go wrong with our bladders, but as the bladder is mostly muscle problems and solutions can often be linked back to that.

      Symptoms include an urgent feeling to go to the toilet, going to the toilet frequently and sometimes leaking urine before you can get to the toilet.




      You mention that you couldn't grieve for your Grandmother, because he was upset when you expressed your thoughts. Many spouses differ in the way that they grieve. My spouse has long ago discovered that I grieve much different than she does, so when someone close to us passes on we don't share much with each other, but each grieve in our own way. I don't like to talk about the death of a loved one and my wife is much more into expressing her feelings vocally. I grieve just as much as she does, I just don't like to talk about it. Doesn't mean I'm right and she is wrong, just different.

      Please keep taking part in the forum. By asking questions, answering other people's questions and/or using the forum to vent out some of our frustrations, we can sometimes find avenues to get better. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m Take Care. paul m
      Last edited by paul m; May 19, 2016, 04:09 AM.
      "Alone we can do so little;
      Together we can do so much"
      Helen Keller

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