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Loving someone with untreated Bipolar disorder- a very personal account

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    Loving someone with untreated Bipolar disorder- a very personal account

    Hello:

    I am new to this forum and am hoping that someone can help me. My partner is undiagnosed but there is no doubt that he has Bipolar Disorder. It has taken me some investigation to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, but when I started reading articles and letters written by Bipolar sufferers and family members it was a revelation! I believe he has rapid-cycling Bipolar Disorder with emotional disconnect.

    A bit of back ground- my partner (M) and I are a mixed race and mixed religion couple: he is Muslim, from South East Asia and I am French/Irish Canadian. He has been in Canada for 15 years and is very Western. We are both professionals in our early forties: I am in Healthcare and he is in local government. We met three years ago and have been best friend and partners for just over two and a half of those years. He is a wonderful man most of the time: he is intelligent, complex, diverse, curious, generous, affectionate, funny and adventurous. However, when he is maniac or derailed he can be paranoid, unrealistic, indecisive, demanding, immature, extremely controlling and unkind. I would describe myself as kind, empathetic, (very) patient, loyal, intelligent, and intuitive. I have problems with self esteem, and have trouble with self-doubt. I am almost always even tempered, but after 2 1/2 years of M's fluctuating moods I have struggled with bouts of depression, mainly due to not knowing what is happening to him when he suddenly disconnects from me. During these time he can be very, very controlling and cruel. It was apparent from the early stages of our relationship that something was off. Initially, I thought that it was cultural or religious difference but as I got to know M better I ruled that out. He is very Western, grew up in a British boarding school and is not very adherent to his religion.

    M and I do everything together: hiking, bike riding, camping, canoeing, grocery shopping, cooking (he is a wonderful cook, I am not). We go to restaurants, music festivals, concerts, opera (which he hates but attends for me), gardens, lectures. We also travel together. He is my very best friend. We do not live together (neither of us are interested in sharing space and you will see why, below) but we live in the same condo complex and have suites two doors apart which is a very good arrangement. We sleep over on weekends and occasional week days. We have a fabulous *** life, too. He is the love of my life and I cannot imagine how lonely and bleak my life would be without him. Most of the time.

    Here it comes... BUT... he will be amazing, loving and affectionate for weeks and then suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, he will shut me out completely. I can't reach him - he won't respond to texts, email, he won't answer his phone or come to the door. It is like I don't exist anymore. I am totally blind-sided. I am left reeling, I literally NEVER, NEVER know what is wrong. I started keeping a detailed journal to see if I could identify changes in his personality prior to these events, or obvious triggers in our relationship or the local environment. I have not been able to determine anything. I never know how long the silences will last, or if they will end. When he is coming back out, he can be very insensitive and cruel.

    The first few times it happened were the worst. I blamed myself and thought that I had inadvertently said something offensive to his religion or to himself. I spent nights crying and hating myself for being somehow insensitive, wondering if he would ever speak to me again. I would send texts apologizing for everything I could think of that may have somehow offended him. And he would not respond. Eventually, after a week or so he would send a text or two, and I would be hugely relieved. Things would very slowly return to normal, and he would be great for weeks. Because I did not know what had caused these "rifts" as I called them, I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, always careful of what I said and did when I was near him.

    As we spent more time together, I found he was very hard to get to know. He would not let me in to his apartment for 13 months, yet he frequently stayed over night at my place. When he finally let me in it was a perfectly nice, slightly messy suite. The way he reacted I was expecting something heinous! He was extremely uncomfortable if I asked him questions, personal or otherwise. Even after dating for a year and a half I felt like he was a casual acquaintance. He would on very rare occasions, say something that added a piece to the puzzle. Once he told me that he was a monster inside, and once he told me he doesn't belong. When I asked him what he meant, he said : "to the human race".


    #2
    Here is just one example out of many, many examples that I could give you demonstrating his behaviour. This is summarized from my journal, between August 28 and September 10, 2015. At this time, we had been dating since May 21 of 2014, and typically spent every weekend together as well as two to three nights a week. Keep in mind that under normal circumstances we text each other many times a day. We always say "good morning" and "good night": Everything was really great until August 28th, so that is where I began.

    August 28/15: Friday night. M and I make plans at 3 pm to go out for sushi after work. When I get home I see his car is there but he is not responding to my texts. We always go out Friday night so this is odd. Finally, at 9 pm, after several unanswered texts, I figure M has probably fallen asleep, so I decide to go out to grab something to eat alone. I text M to let him know and he responds immediately, asking if he can come along. He says he already ate. Why didn't he just tell me that a couple hours ago?? He stays all night.

    August 29/15: We went out for breakfast and M came back to my place for the day. Later, we had a picnic on the west side and M made his delicious marinated chicken. We got all the way there only to find that M forgot to pack the BBQ- it was pretty funny. We came home and cooked on the deck, instead. M didn't stay.

    August 30/15: M texts in the morning, says he wants to go bike riding along the creek path, end to end, leaving at 10. I am ready at 10, and text M to say I am ready. M texts back to say that he has changed his mind and he now wants to go to hot springs 400 km away. I say sure, run around packing, and am ready to go 20 minutes later. I check my texts. M has changed his mind. Now he wants to go a hiking spot along a local lake. Then in the next 10 minutes he changes his mind three more times. I texts back: come over, let's discuss. He comes over and sits at my computer for the next 3 hours trying to figure out what he wants to do. Then he suddenly gets up, announces that he is hungry and leaves.
    WTF? I am so confused. It is now 1:30. He is so indecisive I wonder how he can function at work where he is responsible for a HUGE budget and major decisions. At 2:45 I get a text saying lunch is ready (he did not tell me he was making us lunch). I go over and he has made a huge feast- it is wonderful! We end up watching a movie and he tells me repeatedly that I am beautiful, that he is obsessed with me, etc... We go bike riding later but it gets dark before long. We go to McDonalds, have sundaes and share fries then go home. M does not stay but gives me a big kiss before he goes.

    August 31/15: I wake up to find that my parrot is very ill- I text M as I am very worried. No reply at all, all day. I am so confused- M LOVES my bird. I can't believe he is not responding. No "good night" at night. Really crappy sleep, I have a sinking feeling that something is wrong. I am so worried.

    September 1/15: Not one single word from M today. At bed time I send a "good night". No reply. I and so confused. What have I done? I can't sleep. I feel sick.
    September 2/15: Still no word at all from M. I sent the usual "good morning" and "good night" texts, no reply. I am so hurt and confused. I wait until I see M's car pull in the driveway, then meet him at his door. He won't look at me and he won't let me in to talk. I tell him I won't leave until he talks to me. He won't let me in his suite and he won't come to mine so this entire conversation takes place in the hallway of our condo complex. M says it is "collision avoidance" and he does not want to make me angry. He says that "all women yell".
    He isn't making any sense at all. M and I have literally NEVER had a fight or raised our voices to each other. Our differences of opinion are very small. When I point this out to him, he agrees, but says that we may have a fight some day in the future. Huh? I think he is referring to his past relationship. I try to reassure M. He won't let me touch him, and shrinks away like I am a leper when I try. He still won't look at me. I ask him if he is ending our relationship and he says "no" but we can only see each other in limited capacities from now on. I ask about our bedroom life- M agrees that it is good, and adds that it has been getting better and better. I ask if this is the last time I will ever see him and he guarantees not. He still won't look at me and cringes when I try to put my hand on his arm. He is acting soooo weird. I feel creepy ambushing him like this, but what other option do I have? I am so frustrated right now, but I hide it. I tell him that I love him very much. I apologize for ambushing him and suggest that we go hiking in 2 few days. He agrees, I make him promise and he says yes.

    September 3/15: No word from M. I fear he will blow me off for our hike tomorrow, I text "good morning" and good night" for normalcy. What is going on? I am so stressed, I can't eat or sleep.
    September 4/15: M is home from work before me, unusual. He is either looking forward to our hike or he had trouble keeping it together at work. I text him to see when he wants to leave and he says 7 sharp. I meet him at his car and I can tell that something is really, really wrong. He looks extremely angry. He won't look at me, or answer me when I try to ask how his day went. After trying some light conversation, I give up and we drive in total silence to the mountain. He looks totally enraged, like he is going to snap- his forehead is furrowed and his jaw is clenched tightly. He is gripping the steering wheel very tightly. I feel very sick. I tell him that I took the parrot to the vet and she is doing better- his response is "huh". We park, get out of the car and start hiking. I am hoping he will relax, he is scaring me. I have no idea why he suddenly seems to despise me.

    My stomach is a seething pit of acid. I haven't eaten or slept in days and I am already getting short of breath on the upward climb. M is walking quickly,
    outdistancing me easily. I try to keep up but am really weak and fatigued from the stress of the past couple days. I finally ask "do you want me to hike with you tonight?" and he says "It's your decision". I say "M, I always want to hike with you" then I say, "Do you want me to go?" and he says "I don't own the mountain". I stop, turn, and walk back down the mountain. I am half way to the parking lot, crying, when I reconsider my position. If I walk away, he will probably never speak to me again. At least he has agreed to come, no matter how twisted this is. I turn around and head back up the mountain, expecting that he will be too far ahead for me to catch up. To my great surprise, he is standing there, waiting. He KNEW I would come back. I find this really disturbing. When I catch up he turns around and starts to walk. We walk all the way to the top in total silence. He does not look at me once. At one point, he gets so far ahead of me that I have to take a shorter but steeper path to catch him.

    When we get to the top he we sit on a bench (far apart) for a moment. Then he says "Are we done now?" and down we go. He seems to be less
    angry. He lets me walk ahead of him, which is what he usually does when we hike. I glance back over my shoulder to see where he is and he has his cell phone out and is taking pictures of me with his camera. This kinda creeps me out and totally confuses me. As we drive home, I am feeling really worried. Is this the last time I will ever see him? What is happening? I ask him if he can spare 5 minutes to talk: he reaches over to the radio and cranks up the music. All he will say is that he "doesn't belong". I say "Here? With me?" and he says "to the human race". At his door I ask if we can go hiking again and he says "Maybe. Yes." I try to press him for a date and he protests the word "date".
    I am completely blown away by the disdain and disgust with which he is addressing me. I feel like something foul he is trying to scrape off the bottom of his shoe. Is this the man who told me I am beautiful and that he is obsessed with me just a few days ago? I feel that he finds me gross and untouchable. It slices my heart into shreds. He won't commit to another hike. He opens his door, sniffs the air, says "O, my rice is ready. It smells good" and leaves me in the hall. His behaviour is so stunningly childish and immature that I actually feel a little better, though I cry a little when I get home. Again, I wonder how this man can function at work in an upper Managerial position. He is often interviewed by the media and when I see him on TV or hear him on the radio I wonder if he has a twin who stays in the closet and is brought out for public appearances.

    I go back to my suite and Google "personality disorders- silent treatment" and discover that this is a real phenomena and is often used to control or belittle another. This is exactly what M is doing! It is a revelation. I actually feel relief.



    Last edited by Ampersande; September 3, 2016, 09:04 PM.

    Comment


      #3
      September 5/15: I send a "good morning" text, thanking M for the hike. He texts back "drive safe". He leaves for Vancouver that night. I receive a few more short texts.
      September 6/15: I text and continue to receive replies. His responses are lengthier than the short, one-word replies I got yesterday.
      September 7/16: M is home, I receive a few more responses but not as many as the last few days. I don't know what this means.
      September 8/15: I make butter tarts for M and leave them at his door. We go hiking later, and everything seems tentatively normal.
      September 9/15: We hike again, and it almost feels like we are back to normal but I am hesitant to trust anything yet.
      September 10/15: M is very text-y today.
      September 11/16: We go for a long walk, then head for appetizers at the local pub. M complains about everything, and I am feeling quite uncomfortable. I don't know what to say. I still feel very
      insecure. M does not touch me or stay.
      September 12/16: Pretty normal Friday night, M brushed his hand don my arm when we parted, but that was all.
      September 13/15: Went to listen to music with M tonight. M was back to normal.

      I'll end it there, as I just wanted to demonstrate how quickly M derails and how slowly he emerges from a cycle in comparison. In this instance, there was clear indication that something was amiss, as he had problems keeping our dinner plans on August 28th and then he was very indecisive on August 30th. This is not usually the case as there is usually no obvious trigger. He derails approximately once a month, and the periods of silence can range from 2 to 5 days. When he is coming out of a low cycle, he won't look at me and will barely speak. After a day or so I will catch him sneaking glances at me, and then he will eventually look at me directly. I find this really strange and uncomfortable.

      The cycle that I showed above actually went on further and lasted until October 4th before his mood stabilized and I felt some semblance of security. We didn't resume our *** life until October. During this time, I lost almost 15 pounds from stress and for the first time in my life began having chronic acid reflux which persists to this day.

      We had two very serious down cycles, just after Christmas 2015 and in the early part of 2016. The first lasted more than 10 days and I do not know what triggered it. The second lasted 3 weeks, and was triggered by myself when I lost my cool (something that very rarely happens). M had been particularly and persistently cruel and I reacted. We were able to overcome this with time and a great deal of patience on my part. After this incident, M thought about things and decided that he truly wanted to be with me and that he would try to treat me better.

      He has tried to keep his word, to the best of his ability. In the last 6 months he has truly started to open up to me about his feelings. He knows something is wrong but he does not know what. I tried talking to a psychologist about M's behaviour, but it wasn't helpful without M present. And while M acknowledges that something is wrong, I can't get him to talk to me or elaborate. It is a very touchy subject. M does not take criticism well, and is pathologically afraid of being yelled at. He is also pathologically afraid of being abandoned, as I discovered when my employer set me up with a contract that was to take me out of town for 5 days every month: it sent M crashing down into the abyss, convinced that I was abandoning him. The fact that I invited him to come along did not nothing to assuage his fear. I was obliged to complete the first trip but have since had to cancel the rest of the out of town work, which has cost me just under $2000 a month in extra pay.

      Despite this monetary loss, things have going well on a personal level. M has admitted that he needs me and that he cannot imagine his life without me. He says he has come to trust me and my judgement and that I am indispensable. He often brings me to his current and prospective projects to ask my opinion. He has said that he wants to make our relationship permanent.

      Recently, M's department created a new position, superior to the one he holds. He debated applying for it, but was afraid that if he applied but did not get the job then he would be forced to leave out of humiliation. He did not want to have to leave because he did not want to have to leave me. The department sent someone around to ask M if he was planning to apply, and he said "maybe". He discussed it with me and I told him I thought he should apply as he would certainly be the most qualified candidate. He left the application so late that when he tried to submit it, he missed the deadline by 5 minutes. His department hired another candidate, and M was furious. When he found out, he stormed out and immediately took two weeks off. He felt that they should have hired him anyways, even though he did not apply. He then admitted to me that when the position was initially created, his department had asked him to apply and that he had told them he would. I don't know why he would have the impression that he would not have been hired. M has now decided that the department has been totally unfair to him and that he should have got the job. He has been applying for work all over the country.

      M said he wants me to come with him, and I have agreed. We have been loosely planning our move for 2 1/2 months now. M's applications yielded three job interviews in three adjoining cities. I approached my employer about transferring to the same area and have a job pending. I applied to my strata for permission to rent out my condominium. I am waiting to see where M lands before I finalize things. A week ago, M left for his three job interviews. Things had been going very well between us for quite some time, and just before he left M was very affectionate and loving. I was with M the night before he left for his interviews and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. We had gone out to a music festival, then out for dinner, then gone to the local pub. M was very affectionate and everything seemed fine. However, the next day, he derailed. He cut off all communication and left. He has not talked to me for 7 days. His interviews are for very high positions and I have no idea how he will get through them if he is going through a down cycle. I am also very hurt and I can't help but feel worried and betrayed at his complete lack of response, especially since I have been uprooting my life so that M and I can stay together.

      I am trying very hard to understand how M feels when he is in a higher phase or when he suddenly derails. If I knew it would help immensely. I have tried to give you a brief glimpse of how M's behaviour causes me great stress and insecurity so anyone who suffers from this disorder can get an idea of how it feels on the other side of this illness. I love M with all my heart and he is a wonderful person, 80% of the time. But 10% of the time he is grumpy and hypercritical and 10% of the time he is completely unreachable. This is incredibly hard on someone like myself who does not feel these highs and lows. I am not generally prone to depression, but dealing with M's lengthier episodes of silence have put me in a very dark place a couple of times. The stress has occasionally caused me problems at work, due to excessive worry and lack of sleep. I also feel a degree of guilt that I may have done something inadvertently to trigger these events and also because I never know if or when they will resolve.

      I don't know what experiences others have had with Bipolar disorder but I would be curious to hear from both family members and from persons who have Bipolar Disorder. Are your experiences similar to mine? Family members, how do you cope if/when you are shut out? How long do the cycles last? What works to help your loved one and what should be avoided? What do you feel when you are shut out? Does it ever get easier?

      If you suffer from Bipolar Disorder I would really like to hear about your personal experiences living with this condition. Do you know when you are in a low cycle? How well would you be able to cope with a really big life event (like a major, formal job interview in front of a panel) when you are low? Are you able to compartmentalize your feelings when you are in a low so that you can function at work? Do you need to be alone in a low, or does it help to have someone near? Do you ever feel hatred toward a loved one or partner when you are in a low? How would you describe your feelings in a low? How extreme are your symptoms (for instance, do you feel disconnected? M describes that he sometimes feels like he is floating outside his body)? Do you feel depressed and if so is this something you feel often or just sometimes? How do you get yourself through a low? Is there a place or an event or a mantra that helps you when you derail? What should friends and family do to help you when you are down?

      Thank you for your feedback.

      Comment


        #4
        I'm just working with a cell for internet connection today, so I'll keep this short and welcome you to the forums.
        AJ

        Humans punish themselves endlessly
        for not being what they believe they should be.
        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

        Comment


          #5
          Hi Ampersande. Brief mental history of myself - experiences with depression (has been very severe at times), consistent daily anxiety (sometimes severe - can't go to work, often tolerable with tools and methods I've learned). I dated a man for 2 years who discovered he was bipolar within the first few months of seeing each other. He was in more of a manic/normal state up until he tried to kill himself seemingly out of the blue. That was when he was first diagnosed and began the exhausting journey that is finding the right medication. Even after he tried to commit suicide, I was doubtful he was bipolar. I honestly thought he was just depressed, but at the time I didn't realize his manic phase crashed when he phoned from the hospital. Flash forward to a year into our relationship - things were okay. I was trying to be very supportive as he went through multiple types of medications. He eventually started on lithium (as well as trying different anti-depressants to balance the effects). I found that lithium brought him way down. He was uninterested at the best of times, and dreary other times. Very depressed and seemingly hopeless. Over the span of a few months, he became more used to the pills, but it wasn't until maybe December or January that I felt his mood started getting very strange. He was constantly irritable, and he would ignore me - same as you, we were very used to saying goodnight. The nights he would miss it, it would make my stomach churn because I could feel something was off. He'd snap at me, be standoffish for days, and put me down often. It made my anxiety fly through the roof, although I didn't realize how much it was affecting me at the time. We kept trying to talk things out and make it easier on both of us, but I constantly felt like I was giving and never receiving. After many ups and downs (he’d threaten breaking things off, ignore me, blame me for anything, snap at me for nothing), I finally gave him a this or that choice. This being we need to seriously work on what will help find peace here, and that being we’re through. He indirectly chose that, and we ended it. I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t go into work for three days, I stopped eating, I barely slept, and I felt sick (and sometimes got sick) every day. After those three days, he called me in tears at 2 in the morning. He was alone downtown after a night of drinking, begging me to come get him. I, being hopelessly in love with the man, drove into town to pick him up, took him back to my place, and took care of him in his completely intoxicated state. When he sobered up, we talked about what this meant for our relationship. I told him I’m looking for something forever, and that if he wanted to be with me, he’d have to commit to me and work just as hard as I was to make it work. He agreed and things were great!... for a week. He dumped me the day after our two year anniversary. After yelling at me and swearing at me over the phone, he called it quits. I, again, was left devastated, in total mind and body pain. The weeks after were terrible. I threw up what I’d eat, and my health severely deteriorated, but I pulled through. A few weeks later, I got a couple missed calls from him. He left voicemails begging for forgiveness. I reluctantly ignored them, but the pain was still very much there. After no response from me, he started texting me massive messages. He went on and on about how much he loved me and missed me and needed me. Music to my very desperate heart. This time, I laid down the rules. I told him this was his final chance (after days of considering whether or not I should give him one). He agreed to everything, expressing how grateful he was that he could have another chance with me (at this point he was far beyond his first “second chance”). I left for vacation for a week shortly after I agreed to give it another shot. Every day I was gone, he’d email me gorgeously well written messages full of love, hope, and a hint that he was ready and willing to make a strong effort at becoming the man he knew he could be – for himself primarily, but also for me. It was great, and he made me feel very loved and optimistic. I saw him for the first time after I came home. We saw each other a few times before he left for vacation. He’d be gone for almost 3 weeks, but promised to keep in touch and think of me often. We emailed a lot, but about 2 weeks into the trip something changed. His words were cold, and he didn’t respond for several hours, despite the time difference. When he came back, I greeted him very warmly, and we spent a nice night together. The next day, he texted me at 5 in the morning, and I just happened to wake up to notice it. It was a huge message of all the lies he’d been hiding from me, as well as the fact that he’d been with another woman on his trip (and that he actually planned it out with his friends there). That was it for me. Despite how much I loved him, I decided to love myself more, which is a thousand times easier said than done). That was just two weeks ago, and I’m still very much dealing with the pain. This also happened shortly after he stopped taking all his medication, which I’m sure is partially to blame for his actions (still not an excuse, though). Anyway, that’s my experience, and honestly, I think I’ll be far healthier and happier without him in my life. That is NOT to say, however, that it is impossible to be with someone bipolar – it definitely is possible. I do believe that it takes a lot of work from both parties, and also tons of effort from the person who is bipolar to make a strong commitment to find help. So being with someone who isn’t treated for their bipolar condition may prove very difficult and disheartening. In my case, the manic phase seemed to last for a good 7 months, but it wasn’t all severe. I think he might still be in that phase, but I couldn’t tell you for sure. I really don’t know if this was helpful to you in any way, but I wanted to share my experience so you know you’re not alone in what your feeling.

          One piece of advice you’ll probably get a lot is to take care of yourself first, through all the highs and lows. It’s a lot easier said than done, but maybe at some point (like it kind of did with me), the right answer will be clear and you’ll feel more comfortable with whatever decision you make – even if the pain of having or not having that person in your life will be hard to handle. I knew for myself that I didn’t have a future with this man, and I don’t think he’s quite at the stage of accepting his condition and seeking help for it. I believe he will find the best ways to cope eventually. He’ll find someone else who can handle it, but I definitely gave it my all, and I can’t feel guilty for trying my hardest.

          Best of luck to you.

          Catman

          Comment


            #6
            Hello and welcome Ampersande.




            I'm going to echo Catman's advice about taking care of yourself first. You are on a precipice here and you already have made considerable investment in this relationship and no doubt you care deeply for your partner. I can only infer from your comments that he cares deeply for you as well.




            The issue becomes that he is undiagnosed and untreated. This is not an issue you can force and if the opportunity presents, I'm sure you can call on your resources within the health care field where you are employed to guide him correctly. I don't think you are wrong, but I like most others here cannot claim to be a professional in this field although I believe we represent a great deal of experience with mood disorders. We are all damaged and for my part, I'm seeing some of my story within yours.




            While you state you are not prone to depression, you obviously have had those feelings. The stress, sleep problems and acid reflux are all part of what I have experienced. I recognized the patterns many years ago, but the medical profession finally diagnosed me with a major depressive disorder around four years ago. It changed the game completely. The symptoms you describe are attributed to yourself and I offer my comparison as a precautionary tale for you, but I suspect your partner well knows of his predicament and much like myself is avoiding diagnosis because the stigma of mental illness can be a career ending proposition.




            It is apparent that your partner carries a degree of responsibility and possibly becomes a public figure within the scope of his career. You recognize cultural differences and I don't think you should quickly dismiss the influence, even if his leanings are more within western ideals. I myself am from a Christian background and while I have not darkened the door of the church for many years, my upbringing colors my persona. The particular sect that forms my heritage has a distinctive accent and I am told that I carry that pattern of speech, even if I do not speak the language of my ancestor's church. I'm told that even my children, who were not brought up in any religion carry this pattern. I have had several Muslim friends and they are proud people who feel deeply that they must project a strong persona. It is not an undesirable trait, yet I would understand completely if your partner feels he must mask the monster inside.




            My son has a friend who was diagnosed as bipolar. Violently so and he has served jail time as a result. I have known this young man for several years now and I have never seen that side of him. He is a thoughtful and intelligent individual who cannot function within normal society. He is welcome in our home any time, yet I see him as a person who always maintains a distance. I know he recognises that monster within and he too feels he is set apart from the rest of the human race. An extreme example perhaps, but I can use him as a model of what you may be experiencing with your partner. Is it possible to maintain a relationship with someone in such a pattern? I would say yes, but you will have to concede that such a person will always need some distance. I do not think it diminishes what you receive in return.




            I'll concede that my musings are pretty much a wild guess at your predicament. We all follow our own path and ultimately, you are the one who will decide. I hope my observation and experience may be somewhat helpful.

            Comment


              #7
              I am going to chime in with the others on this. I had a therapist tell me that I am just as important as the people I care about. She also said that I wouldn't be available to others in the way that I want to be, if I didn't take care of myself. It made sense to me. Taking care of myself is a work in progress.

              AJ

              Humans punish themselves endlessly
              for not being what they believe they should be.
              -Don Miguel Ruiz-

              Comment


                #8
                Thank you for your advice and your feed back. I am sorry that I have not responded sooner but I have had some really unexpected setbacks. September 19th I was called in to my bosses office- I thought it was to discuss my upcoming job transfer, so I showed up, pen and notebook in hand, only to be terminated "without cause". I am very good at what I do, so this was a HUGE shock. I have been unemployed for 10 days now and I am still reeling. I have never been fired before in my life, it was absolutely awful.

                I pressed for a reason- let's face it, no one really gets fired "without cause" but my boss refused to say anything other than "it was nothing specific": in fact, she admitted that my patients had nothing but good things to say about me. I have a VERY strong feeling it may be due to the effect that M's episodes have on me. When he is derailed and incommunicado I can't eat or sleep and I know it must have showed at work. Since M has been miserable and stressed out trying to find another position and facing an impending relocation he has been having more frequent episodes and I have been on an emotional roller-coaster. If I am brutally honest with myself, I was functional but not truly engaged at my job. The week of silence that I wrote about in my letter above was particularly difficult for me since it leave a huge question as to whether M really wants me to come with him or if he is just derailed from too much pressure.

                When I got home that Monday night, and told M what had happened (excluding my suspicions) he came over and brought me food, sat with me, held me and reassured me that everything would be okay. I just bought a new vehicle last year and am tied into 7 more years of bi-weekly payments, plus I have a mortgage and M offered to take over the payments until I find work. He told me that he would take care of me, and if need be I could rent out my suite and live with him until I am steadily employed. In short, he was awesome and it took away a lot of the grief/disbelief/shame/panic of being fired. He came over every night all week, and we just sat and watched TV. I found his presence very reassuring and I was starting to feel more positive about finding work. M reviewed my resume and helped me make a few edits, he sent me job postings he had found, and he insisted I see a lawyer to discuss the terms of my termination (my employer had unscrupulously presented me with a highly suspicious "Final Release" document that barred me from suing them for wrongful dismissal if I signed it. They said they would give me two extra weeks pay AND a letter of recommendation in exchange for my signature but that I would lose the money and any chance of a good job review if I did not). M payed for the lawyer. That Friday night he rushed home straight from work with take-out, and we snuggled on the sofa and watched two movies back-to-back. At 9 pm he went home to change out of his work clothes (I should mention he lives two doors down from me, in the same condo complex). I was expecting him to come back right away as he said he wanted to go for a walk, but he didn't return. I thought maybe he had decided to shower but at 10:30 he had not returned and would not respond to my text. I could not reach him all weekend- he completely blew me off and ignored my texts: he was home but was unreachable. When I checked my email that Saturday, he had transferred $1000 to my checking account with a note saying that he would be my "lender shark" but would demand "heavy interest" *nudge nudge, wink wink*. What?

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                  #9
                  I was left confused, stressed and hurt. He told me he would take care of me and be there for me, then cut off all contact. I am wondering he is planning to leave without a trace when he relocates? If he does not come out of this down cycle I may never see him again. It is so difficult to reengage him when he is derailed. I am terrified that he will find a job and move away before he comes out of it, then time and distance and maybe even a bit of guilt will finish us off.
                  Monday I got an invite to watch the presidential debate, which we watched at his place. I wanted to ask him if he has changed his mind about our future but was afraid if I asked that he would shut me out again. Friday night we lay on the couch and he held me, and now, just three nights later he wouldn't even sit on the same sofa! When I went over to sit beside him, he moved away so I gave up and didn't say anything. When I got back to my suite... an old employer had heard of my plight and called to say they wanted to hire me! I ran back to tell M and he didn't say much either way. I hugged him and thanked him for being so wonderful and being there for me and again, he said he would pay my bills if I needed him to do so.
                  Even though I am very relieved and grateful to have found a very good paying job so quickly, the huge downside will be that I have to stay put while M relocates. It is so bittersweet. I NEED the job- I just can't expect M to pay my bills. Even if I let him, there is a VERY strong possibility that he might derail, stop talking to me and stop the payments. I can't risk having my car loan OR my mortgage default due to a BiPolar episode. I have no choice but to take this position and I am very thankful for it. It is tearing me apart because I need the job but I don't want it... I want to be with M but his moods swings make him unreliable.
                  Several weeks ago, M and I had discussed what would happen if he moved away and I could not. We concluded, without question, that we would continue our relationship and commute via car or plane as necessary until one or the other could find a job in the same place. M said he would cover my flight costs and that I could stay with him in the city during my visits. I would do this if I thought that this offer was still on the table, but to be honest, I haven't been sure that he even wants to be with me anymore. I have been getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night, then walking around like a zombie all day, stressed about losing M. He has been avoiding me, and when I do see him he hides his feelings and I fear that if I confront him with a barrage of questions that he will completely shut me out again. It has always been very hard to get him to open up, and when he is in the beginning or middle of an episode is not the right time to confront him. But I need to know and I have no choice- he could leave in a couple of weeks.

                  Is there any possible way to broach the topic when he is hovering on the edge of an episode? I ambushed him in the hallway as he was coming home from work last night- I brought a bag of Chinese food and he actually let me in, we shared a meal, watched a movie then he took me shopping AND out for coffee. It was almost a normal night, except he would not sit beside me on the couch- he sat beside me on the ARM of the couch, though, and let me scratch his back. I was too scared to ask him if we will still see each other once he leaves because I fear him going silent... I need to know what he is thinking or feeling, if anything. He is the most important person in my life, he is my whole world and this is killing me to think we will be torn apart over a job. He LOVED me a few weeks ago, did this somehow stop? Are his feelings blocked by the stress of the situation? We have not been intimate in a month now, and we have not even shared a bed since September 10th. I know that he just offered to finance my bills through my unemployment and told me that he would take care of me- but won't let me touch him, and frequently goes silent. Are these words real or is he leaving? Is he just not capable right now of being affectionate so he is expressing his love for me through his financial support? He gave me money but keeps saying that he can't wait to leave, and I feel like he is saying he can't wait to leave ME. I kinda feel like my company blindsided me with the job termination, and that M is somehow moving on and terminating me as well.

                  I am so confused and I feel so trapped having to stay here but even before I lost my job I felt reluctance on M's part to really say whether he wanted me to go with him or not. That is actually why I had applied to rent out my condo rather than sell it... But I still can't believe that I had a job lined up in the city and then it fell through in the worst possible way- I have no feedback from M and I feel so lost.

                  It is impossible to take care of myself at the moment- though I heed your words AJ and Catman, I really do. I must agree that it is a very difficult thing to do, especially since my friends have long ago dumped me as they did not like the way M was treating me when he derailed: I had to constantly defend his behaviour (and my reaction to his behaviour) to everyone. People just do not have any sympathy for someone with BiPolar disorder, they don't understand that his mood swings are not his fault and they just don't see how far M has come since I first met him. They don't see M when he is neutral or in an up-cycle. Argh!!! I don't want to sound like a huge loser but I am basically alone and I have no one to turn to bounce ideas off of or even go out with to distract myself from the horrible thought of losing M. I tried talking to a counselor (for $190 an hour!) but his advice was, ultimately, to dump M and take care of myself. What I really need to know how is how to predict or recognize triggers, how to redirect M if I notice he is starting to drift, and how to understand what he is thinking and feeling when he derails. I love him, I don't want to walk away from him. I am sure any of you who are reading this and suffer from BiPolar Disorder might be happy to knw that not everyone would write you off because of it. There are those of us who care very deeply and I am one. I believe that I just need more insight into this disorder so that I understand how M is feeling...

                  Thank you for your very kind words and advice, it is much appreciated - Ampersande

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                    #10
                    Thanks for your update, Ampersande. I've been thinking about you and your situation for weeks now, wondering what had happened. Really sorry to hear about your job situation. That's a huge stress trigger.

                    A couple questions jump to mind. Does M know or even suspect he might suffer from bipolar disorder? If he doesn't, and he continues to go undiagnosed and untreated, that's a lot of pressure to put on himself and the people around him... I imagine that would be a conversation that would certainly "derail" him, so I wouldn't begin to know how to go about that. It just seems like a lot of weight on you. Have you read or heard of the book "Women who love too much"? I hope this doesn't offend you at all, but it might be worth checking out. I can relate to you in terms of what you're experiencing with M, and that book was good for me.

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                      #11
                      I really feel for you and I would highly suggest you move on. I am bipolar but there are other behaviours in play with his condition that don't add up. His disappearance and complete visual and verbal disconnection are not typical to classic Bipolar we tend to be over empathetic and very sympathetic. I am not say he isn't bipolar I am saying there is more going on than that. If you confront him he could even accidently hurt you. Acceptance of mental illness is the hardest part. Often times we need to end up hospitalized as a wake up call. Then we get diagnoses and then life moves on and he will miss you very much at that point.

                      BTW: you have put way too much into this relationship, it is to one sided

                      Buddy Mack
                      "If we new what we were doing we wouldn't call it research......" Albert Einstein

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