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    Help, Support, Suggestions

    So....my story starts several years ago but I will try to shorten it up. My son was diagnosed at the age of 12 with Social Anxiety after 1 1/2 years of doctors, counselors, etc. It was crippling for him. He could not go to school, not continue with activities and friends. We decided to medicate and saw an immediate improvement. He thanked us for putting him on his medications and was once again able to continue with school and his activities. We went along fairly smoothly, with the odd bump in the road - growth spurts, etc. and we had to re-evaluate his dosage. He had a biking injury in grade 9 which set him back, but we go through it. Grade 11 was going quite smoothly and he chose, with his doctor's approval (his doctor telling him he could go back on at any time) to go off the medications. He did well for the rest of grade 11 and most of grade 12 - joined the track team, had a girlfriend, bought a vehicle, excelled in school. Things were looking good although I knew university was around the corner and I never felt he would actually be able to go - I supported his decision to go, but tried to show him other options. Despite that he chose and was accepted in the engineering program to start the September after graduation. Throughout the summer we started to notice a little bit of combativeness from him and a distancing. He still had a girlfriend and a good job, but it seemed as September was getting closer, he was getting more anxious. He was very slow with getting payments to the university for deposits - waiting until the last moment. We were to leave in a few days and he had yet to pack - we gave him every opportunity to back out of school and tried to give him the different options. He was insistent that he was "fine" - and was not going on medications again. The night before we were to leave, he still hadn't packed although he gave me a 7:00 am time to leave as we had a 10 hour trip ahead of us. I was up and ready, he was not. I went to his room several times - all of us did - my husband, daughter - to get a feel for what was going on - again telling him maybe we shouldn't go. Again he was insistent but was not ready. We were all waiting in the living room when he finally came down stairs about 4 hours later and angrily asked me if we could leave and told me that he had been waiting for me all morning. I said yes and we started on our journey - which was full of sobbing the whole way down - I tried to turn around several times but he would never give me a definitive answer - any way we got to the city that evening, had a sleep and he seemed to be better the next morning - he was not - he would not let me help him register and would not let me help him move in or see where he was living. I went to seek counseling and was basically given a pat on the shoulder as an "anxious mother leaving her child" My husband and daughter (who was starting her 4th year at the same university) came down the next day and we again tried to meet with counselors - with success this time - they put him on a "watch" and after 4 days ( we could not see or speak to him at this time as he would not allow it) my husband and I went back home to our youngest child. After 1 week, he had a long talk with his sister and decided to come back home - I was not allowed to pick him up or meet him at the bus - he came home and avoided us for a few days - we gave him space. Slowly he emerged and we worked on resumes and such. He was definitely a different person - seemed more angry and full of blame towards us. It was a difficult house to live in - sometimes he would talk to me, other times he would walk right by. He got a job at a mill, which started with graveyard shifts - another mistake - and things continued to go downhill for us. In November, after he had been making a very good wage, we talked to him about paying room and board starting in December. - That made him quite angry and we could not seem to reason with him. He did, however start to pay, but made me ask each month and then was very late with it. My husband and I went to counseling and were told to "set clear boundaries" and stick to them. If he doesn't abide, it is time for him to move out. We are fairly reasonable people I would say - definitely made some mistakes that I wish I could change, but always willing to admit to our mistakes and try to talk them out. Christmas came and went and he was still very distant - avoiding us at all costs - no good morning, no thank you for making my lunch, thanks for laundry, nothing. He would walk by us on the stairs as though we did not exist. By the end of March, our household was not a happy place - he was soon to be 19 and, on the advice of the psychologist, we did the "tough love" thing and asked him to leave - which he did - crying all the way he was packing his things out- and us apologizing and saying we could work it out, he didn't have to go, etc., but the damage was done - this March/April will be 3 years since he has spoken to us, no matter how hard we try to communicate with him. His grandmother passed away this summer and that was a real blow to him, as she was in his support network. We live in a small community so I knew what he was up to during this time - on the outside and to his friends, he was great. Working, biking, volunteering, skiing, etc. Very likable ( which he is ) He took a training course over the summer which he excelled in and come fall, he was ready to leave our community and look for work. Through a series of poor decisions and bad luck, he had run out of money, was offered two jobs in his field, but knew he couldn't actually take them (mentally), so he came "home" - to our town. He lived in his car, without work most of the winter and when his car had a serious problem, he turned to my daughter. That was about 3 weeks ago - he has been sleeping in her living room, not wanting to get to comfortable, because "he is not staying anyway" - he gave all of his personal items away - which really scared us - says they are just things and he can buy them again if he wants them - again, he has not been working since the fall and he has very little money. I get my daughter to put money in his bank account once in a while, hoping he does not notice because if it comes from me, he will not take it - (for his 21st birthday I gave him a card, a box of chocolates and a $100 bill - his grandma found all of it in the garbage - money included ) We also had been hearing that we are the reason he couldn't go to school to take what he wanted because we won't give him the RESP money - which is not true - so we decided to make it really easy for him, and we contacted our investment person and had him call my son and tell him the money was available when ever he wanted - my son told him to give it back to his parents - he didn't want it at all. So... we are back to now, with him at my daughter's house, crying daily, not able to do any thing, not willing to go see a doctor because he is "fine" - he does know he can not be around a lot of people, but I think the issues are much greater than that now. We have been to psychologists, police, doctors and have another appointment with his old doctor who has since retired, this week. So far, everyone we have spoken to has told us that if he doesn't agree to help, there is nothing that can be done. Unless he verbalizes suicide, or is a threat to himself or someone else, we can not do any thing, and if that does happen, we are to call 911 - which I can't stand the thought of - it seems a horrific thing to do to someone. He walks around all day long before coming back to my daughter's house just to sleep. He eats, but not really enough for his size. He is not making logical decisions at all. My daughter has a husband, a two year old and is expecting another baby at the end of March, so this is very trying for all of them. We have been trying (secretively) to get him a place to rent, that we will pay for, but we live in a resort community, and rental units are out of the question - which leaves us with a hotel. He agreed to it yesterday, so my daughter found a room and booked and paid for the week and now he says he can't go because it is too much money. She tries to tell him that the money is the least of his worries right now, and that he needs sleep, and a "safe" place but he just left her house crying again. It is very cold right now and he has no where else to go - she is texting him and trying to get him to come back and pick up the keys - one step forward and 3 backwards I am afraid. We are at a total loss as to how to help him. Any advice is welcome. He is not capable of making a decision that he needs help, so how do we get it to him?

    #2
    I forgot to say that he does not self medicate - not even a beer after work - and no drugs other than the prescription he had.

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      #3
      Welcome Nadine,

      Thank you for sharing your story. It must cause you so much pain to have a son who will not accept your help. I wish I could offer you advice, but I do not know how to help someone who does not want to be helped. You have made your love for him clear in your actions, and perhaps that is all you can do.

      In my 20ies I so desperately wanted to be 'saved' from my depression. I thought someone else had the answer. My partner is the only one whom I let into my dark world and he tried everything to make me 'better'. The result: he exhausted himself and has little left to give. I did not improve through his efforts.

      Looking back, however, something deep inside of me must have recognized that he truly cared if he was willing to endure me in the poison state I was in.

      Continue to remind your son that you love him and that all he has to to is ask and you will help. Perhaps also remind him how smart and capable he is on his own. He has managed to finish high-school, advanced training, work... these are things not everyone can do.

      Take care,
      Kaight

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