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    Anxiety With Loved Ones

    Good Afternoon. MY DW deals with BPD, Anxiety, OCD just to name a few.. She is currently going thru a DBT program at a local Health Center. I work full time and she does not. I have chosen to move my days off to be able to take her as the parking is expensive and if i am there at least i can sit in the car and not have to pay to park. and also if things go bad and she has to leave I am right there. I don't mind doing this as it give me a chance to read while i am waiting. She also has counselor appointments once a week as well.. and psyciatrists every two week and that will lessen as times goes by. I choose to be there as a support system and to save money. i get monthly schedules for my work and this month I had gotten a late shift that provided me with the days off to be there for the appointments. Her Anxiety has been really bad recently partially due to trying to go off her meds ( they have been causing a huge amount of acid reflux and stomach pains ) that she didn't want to be on them anymore. she is currently trying to get back on them ( but not the same dosage ) between current medical situation and mental health appointments my weekends are tired up ( which is fine ) but now i am in my late shift month. this will end on Nov 24th (1:30-10pm) now she is saying that her anxiety is so bad esp in the evenings that she may have to go stay with her parents for a while during my late shifts... i absolutely appreciate where she is coming from.. I am doing everything thing i can to be available and want to be able to help her more. I have taken extra vacation days for appointments and my next schedule is weekends off so i have an easier time of trading to be available for the dbt program. I guess what I am looking for is more ways to help with her anxiety while I am gone ( i know that most of the work has to be done by her for her ) but i want to be able to do more ... any suggestions

    #2
    Hello wanttounderstand. You appear to be doing all that you can and then some. I can't think of anything more that you can do. You may have already done this, but sometimes it helps to attend the psychiatrists appt with your spouse. I know that it helped me for my wife to attend a few sessions. My wife could bring up things that I forgot and/or point out various symptoms that I never told the doc. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

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      #3
      Paul. Thank you for the suggestion. I will see if that is possible. i also just heard from the support group team today... ( the DBT program she is in has a weekly support group available for family members for 12 weeks ) where we can meet and discuss what we are dealing with ... so that will help as well. other meds have been suggested but my wife googles everything and she found out that chloroform is in some of the other meds so now she doesn't want to take them .... but hopefully with some discussion and education we can come to a happy medium.. in the mean time she is back on a slightly higher dosage ... but the anxiety is still really bad some days...

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        #4
        Hello wanttounderstand. In regards to ingredients in medication. A lot of medication are not overly good for us in the long run. Unfortunately we are often forced to chose between a med that may have a long term side effect and wellness. I took lithium for yrs even though I knew it was harmful to my kidneys , but it was worth the trade off in mental wellness. I have now changed to other medications, but in order to do that I had to take medications that allowed me to obtain a state of reasonable mental health.

        Many (most/all) psychiatric meds have some form of unpleasant short term effect and/or long term side effect. However once stable it's often possible to cut back or eliminate some medications, thus cutting the risk of the side effects.

        You can always ask a pharmacist about what the side effects of meds are and probably get as good or better answer than asking a doctor. Take Care. paul m
        "Alone we can do so little;
        Together we can do so much"
        Helen Keller

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          #5
          my wife was admitted last week for suicidal ideation. whiel she was in there she was diagnosed with Bipolar. She got her self discharged a week later and the next day tryed to kill herself. I called a support system they took her in and she talked her way out as well.. regardless of me telling the doctors how scared i was. She has since been taken off Zoloft and refuses to go on any other medication. She now wants a divorce and is doing everything she can to be spiteful. Including making it uncormfortable for me to be home. and threatening to take me for all my money and life to the government about me to get me messed up . I was going to be willing to work things out but after all this. I don't think I can. I have been on such a rollar coaster this last 10 days. going to the hospital and bringing her meals. as she can't eat the food there. I have bent over backwards to be as supportive as i can. Now I am in this situation. I don't feel comfortable going home. and honestly don't want her around me. I just want to cut ties and start a new. I can't be told that I have pushed her to stay in this relationship for the last 2 years and be called names and insulted like this. and threatened... I am at my wits end. I can't live like this. I have done everything that I know is in my power... sooo overwhelmed.

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            #6
            Since the last post. I have had some space from my DW, and when she calmed down, I informed her that unless she is open to the support she needs I can't stay. She has heard me and not only promised that she will work to repair our relationship after this but to be open to help. She went to see her Therapist who she has known her for 7 years and was told that she doesn't see Bipolar in my DW at all. The psychiatrist only had a very brief conversation with her and diagnosed her with no good length of time to get to know her, no wonder my wife feels like the system has failed her. She is trying to repair the relationship with her therapist as well, and thought the time away was good because she doesn't want to take things out on me, I don't deserve it. She is thankful she doesn't have to take Lithium as she already has so many limitations in her diet due to health issues and allergies that limiting it even more would have proved difficult. She has a GP appointment on Tuesday, so we will see what he has to say. I hope for her/our sake she stays on the right path as with what happened in the last couple of weeks I don't think I could continue that way. I am sorry I was so abrupt about my last post. I was feeling very overwhelmed, exhausted and emotional. I still am now but not as much as before. I know that the last post was alarming and I wanted to assure anyone who read it .. that I am ok, and on the road to heal from the previous events I have been involved in .

            Comment


              #7
              Good Luck with everything. I know that when I was manic I made many false promises. Hopefully this won't happen here. Take Care. paul m
              "Alone we can do so little;
              Together we can do so much"
              Helen Keller

              Comment


                #8
                I have been with my wife for 5 years in total.. Married 4. She was diagnosed with BPD and than most recently Bipolar. Was in the hospital in April for a week due to suicidal ideation. In the early years of our relationship there was a lot of push and pull, so much so that I am really numb wen it comes to the conversation. Although it hurts I just don't find myself crying as much as I had. For the last couple of years things have been on the upswing... She was in a DBT program. I took part in the Family Connections Program at the same location with my MIL and we communicated better.... after the Bipolar diagnosis things spiraled... she felt so let down by the system they took her of her zoloft cold turkey. but she wouldn't take any bioplar meds. Didn't even want to talk about her mental health. and increasingly got angry... She is now pushing away again.. threatening to air dirty laundry and take me for everything she can. Is resentful that we haven't moved out of our place due to bad memories ( we are getting out place almost $600 cheaper than if we moved ) and that I have inheritance that caused her ODSP to be stopped. But with the push and pull I don't want to tie my $$ into RDSP if she is going to leave me.... I have to think of the long run.. Now she is saying that She hasn't been happy for over two years.. that when she goes back on the negative things she says. she is only doing so to stop from feeling guilty for saying them... we were intimate the other day and she said she had no feelings..... Since April I feel like I am about to burst. she tried to hang herself after coming out of the hospital. I was the one that was there picking her up off the floor... I called COAST ( a local crisis centre ) and she got out of the hospital within 6 hours... I have been taking advantage my EAP ( Employee Assistance Program ) with counselling.. But I just don't know how much more I can take. After she got out of the hospital the 2nd time.. I was so scared and nervous and uncomfortable... One of the times she left I asked for the key... when she returned she even said.. you don't treat people with mental health like this... I am like... If you don't help yourself I can't do this anymore... I am feeling that my quality of life is now being affected. ****** When does one draw the line in wanting to be there for someone and getting out while you are still in one piece.************** I am afraid that if this continues I will be on medication to have to cope with the anxiety and whatever else comes with it and I don't want that..

                help


                now she has started the conversation that she is just going to take off and ditch her phone and no one will find her... the back is forth is dizzying... I can't imagine what it is like in her head...



                Am I am bad person to thing.. If you are going to go ... go... stop the back and forth... my head is spinning.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hello Wantstounderstand. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine level of stress, frustration and anxiety you must be feeling. You are most certainly not a bad person for wanting the spinning and back and forth to stop. Mental illness can result in family members having to make hard decisions, like what you've described. I'm glad you have the EAP counselling. In addition, is there a friend or other family member you can lean on who might understand and be able to phone or even text when things get too much? Or even an ongoing support group for loved ones of people with mental illness? Sometimes a health region or the Canadian Mental Health Association can put you on to something. These are just suggestions, maybe worth a phone call.

                  There are no right or wrong answers to this sort of stuff. It sounds like you're doing all you can for your wife. Anything, even small, that you can do for yourself that will give you even an hour breathing time is valuable. A walk, a talk, a drive, a small change of scene. I know that sounds pretty tiny, but the tiny things can give us enough hope to get us past the present. I don't know if any of this is helpful. The main thing is to look after yourself, whatever that means to you.
                  uni

                  ~ it's always worth it ~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by uni View Post
                    Hello Wantstounderstand. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine level of stress, frustration and anxiety you must be feeling. You are most certainly not a bad person for wanting the spinning and back and forth to stop. Mental illness can result in family members having to make hard decisions, like what you've described. I'm glad you have the EAP counselling. In addition, is there a friend or other family member you can lean on who might understand and be able to phone or even text when things get too much?

                    *** I do have friends that i have reached out to , however after your last hospital stay and attempt I really reached out to a friend, I had to I felt like I was going in every direction possible and needed someone other than EAP, after a lot of the conversattion my DW went on my Ipad and read the whole thing, my friend said she was acting like a Sociopath, in terms of her doing everything in her power in that conversation to hurt me and didnt' feel any which way about it ***** and than my wife got angry at me and woke me up in the middle of the night to scream at me for it ... And now has a different view of that friend**** so after stuff like that ... I am afraid to reach out to friends.. I like EAP because its private, professional and at my fingertips... As for family. I have my In Laws however I don't like to go to them much because then they get it from both sides, and that isn't fair.. ***

                    Or even an ongoing support group for loved ones of people with mental illness? Sometimes a health region or the Canadian Mental Health Association can put you on to something. These are just suggestions, maybe worth a phone call. **** My MIL and I are looking into support groups to help us deal with the situation , fingers crossed ***** I will look into CAMH and see what they have locally.


                    There are no right or wrong answers to this sort of stuff. It sounds like you're doing all you can for your wife. Anything, even small, that you can do for yourself that will give you even an hour breathing time is valuable. A walk, a talk, a drive, a small change of scene. I know that sounds pretty tiny, but the tiny things can give us enough hope to get us past the present. I don't know if any of this is helpful. The main thing is to look after yourself, whatever that means to you.
                    I try to take time for me, whether its going for a walk, catching up on shows and listening to music and getting out when I can. However I am a huge homebody so I don't go out a lot.


                    Thank you for responding. It helps just knowing there are people out there that are dealing with similar things than me

                    Last edited by wantstounderstand; May 25th, 2019, 01:08 PM.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I'm sorry to hear about the way things went with your friend. I can see how that would make you reluctant to confide in others. It sounds like you're doing all you can to look after yourself, which isn't the easiest thing to do, but so worth it!
                      And yes there are definitely people dealing with similar stuff -- you aren't alone
                      uni

                      ~ it's always worth it ~

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I am not reluctant to confide in my friend .. I am reluctant to have a conversation with someone for fear of penalization for a conversation that is mine to have. And her response is one that was with verification of the situation. Now my wife has really pulled away from my friend. They used to talk in some cases more than her and I did... This is really frustrating because I worry about introducing my wife to people due to situations like this. She isn't able to keep friends, for some reasons its the mental health and in others is because she won't take anyone crap ( which i totally understand ) I know that my friend doesn't think my wife actually is a sociopath.. she was just acting that way and my friend said that.. This was based on snips of the conversation I was having. At least this time she didn't demand I stop being friends with them, as she has tried in the past.. But i am strained because I know how my wife feels and my friend still asks about her. I hate being in the middle .. its so uncomfortable.

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                          #13
                          I agree with you it is tough being in the middle. Take Care. paul m
                          "Alone we can do so little;
                          Together we can do so much"
                          Helen Keller

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