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Two sons .. Two countries .. part 2

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    Two sons .. Two countries .. part 2

    The previous post was just an introduction .. the real challenge I'm facing now is with my 26 years old son .. and it's hard to tell if it's a matter of attitude and behavior .. Or a matter of mental illness .. Or maybe both ..
    ..
    I made a mistake .. and I'm paying dearly for it for more than a year .. I was living alone peacefully for a year in this 2 bedroom basement apartment .. paying only 700$ a month and enjoying a friendly relationship with the landlady upstairs .. the apartment is old and wasn't renovated .. had no washing machine .. but I was happy ..
    ..
    Allowing my son to move in and to pay only 300$ per month for renting a room seemed like a good idea because I'm the only parent he has in Canada now .. and we did live together after my divorce .. That was in 2014 and 2015 in Mississauga .. but now this is a different place in a different city and different time .. and he's paying rent .. he wasn't paying me rent back then in Mississauga ..
    ..
    My son is on ODSP and he's only paid for accommodation if he has a signed lease from the landlady .. the landlady didn't want to sign any paper with him .. she didn't like the idea from the beginning and advised me not to have him as a roommate .. she wanted to deal only with me as a main tenant .. but I convinced her to sign a fixed term sub-rent agreement for 3 months .. and started paying 800$ instead of 700$ to have my son as a roommate ..
    ..
    Things went fine for six months and my son was paying me the 300$ monthly rent directly as email transfers .. but last January things went south when my son broke up with his girlfriend who lives in Oakville .. he used to spend time with her frequently but after breaking up he's at home 24/7 .. goes out only for grocery .. no work .. no school .. no social life ..
    ..
    His room is a total mess .. no cleaning no laundry .. awkward behavior including walking half naked outdoor even when temperature are 10 below zero Celsius .. he goes for grocery wearing only shorts and sandal and he puts on his shirt only when he's inside the store ..
    ..
    He's not cooperating to maintain a clean healthy environment .. doesn't want to talk .. doesn't show respect .. we live like two strangers and sometimes I have to text him while we're both in the same apartment because he doesn't allow me to enter his room .. he talks to me only when he has a complain ..
    ..
    He refuses to leave the property because of that piece of paper ( fixed term lease ) and the police can do nothing about it .. I even suggested that I leave the place if he's ready to live alone here and pay the whole rent .. but the landlady doesn't want him here .. she tried talking to him and his attitude was disrespectful and it was clear that he didn't ask for this paper only to receive ODSP benefits but to use it to manipulate me and the landlady ..
    ..
    I tried calling COAST ( Crisis Outreach and Support team ) and they promised to call him but with no guarantees .. The landlady called the landlord tenant board but they have a long waiting list and her problem is not top priority for them because my son is paying the rent ..
    ..
    The situation is very stressful and unhealthy for a 54 years old man like me who's struggling with bipolar symptoms .. and while I can still run away from battle and move out .. leave the conflict between the landlady and my son .. this is not necessarily the right choice .. Moving out is a risk because it's hard to find an apartment for less than 1000$ per month these days .. and my income depends on ODSP and few extra hundreds that I'm allowed to earn by driving for UBER .. not to mention how embarrassing it is to be the one who brought a ( problem ) to my landlady then just leave without solving it ..
    ..
    My son has mental illness .. but there's no clear specific diagnosis ( at least that's what he says ) .. he doesn't take any medication but smokes prescribed marijuana and follow strict diet .. sometimes fasts for 48 hours because he believes it's good for his mental health .. I even tried to make my own research but I couldn't find the answer .. even COAST told me that they can't force him to get a diagnosis ..
    ..
    I need help and advice .. feedbacks are welcome ..
    Last edited by Jafar the wizard; September 5, 2021, 11:08 AM.

    #2
    Jafar you are in a tough spot. I'm sure your landlady appreciates you not leaving her with the problem. You've already taken some steps to research information and reach out to COAST.

    If the sub rent agreement is 3 months, when is that period over? This probably sounds awful but can your landlady evict him after that? (I don't mean not to give him support, but change the arrangements).

    Would your son consider going to talk to a professional? Like a therapist perhaps? (There must be some services that the OSDP cover). He has not been doing well since the breakup, he might benefit from it. And/or the two of you could go to discuss the current living arrangement issues.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      Hi AJ
      The fixed term lease ended last year ( August 2020 ) .. and I was expecting this to be a good reason for easy eviction ..
      however .. It seems that my son did his research and knew what he was doing .. maybe he can't stay here forever ... eventually he'll be evicted .. but it won't happen soon .. because of the pandemic the Landlord Tenant board seem to be busy dealing with tens of cases .. most of them are more urgent because it involves tenants who haven't paid their rent for more than a year and yet still the landlord couldn't force them to leave the property ..
      Evicting a tenant who's paying and willing to pay is not an easy task in 2021 ..
      ..
      To be honest .. I believe the landlady won't bother going to Board if I don't move out .. her only concern is : ( it's better to have me on the property as a good tenant ) .. but of course she can't stop me from leaving if I want to .. she never had an argument with my son .. he's not bothering her .. he's only a problem if l leave .. the recent argument happened because she realized that I'm serious about leaving the property and she had to talk face to face to my son asking him to leave .. she thought that she can negotiate with him but she saw for herself how bad his attitude is .. maybe she couldn't believe the big difference between my attitude and his attitude ..
      ..
      In brief .. I think this is what's going to happen :
      eventually I'll have to leave .. I'm the one who's suffering now .. I'm a father of a son who's so selfish that he'd rather see me leave the property because of him than to look for another place .. yes he's mentally ill but his attitude is bad and he's very stubborn and refusing to cooperate .. the only professional diagnosis I can use to describe his personality is : PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
      Last edited by Jafar the wizard; August 27, 2021, 08:04 AM.

      Comment


        #4
        Hi Jafar. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a predicament. When you say 'eventually I'll have to leave', can you go sooner then later? Do you have to give your landlord 3 months?
        AJ

        Humans punish themselves endlessly
        for not being what they believe they should be.
        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

        Comment


          #5
          Two months not three ..

          Comment


            #6
            The word ( appreciate ) is the major issue I have with my son .. I think it means ( science fiction ) for him .. he doesn't believe in it ..
            And who knows ? .. Maybe it is ( science fiction ) .. I'm just a fool who has very high expectations .. a fool who still believes in mythological terms such as : honor .. Ethics .. Morales .. Honesty .. Sacrifice ..
            Last edited by Jafar the wizard; August 27, 2021, 05:30 PM.

            Comment


              #7
              Well you’re in good company.
              AJ

              Humans punish themselves endlessly
              for not being what they believe they should be.
              -Don Miguel Ruiz-

              Comment


                #8
                Hello Jafar. I think the values you hold are admirable; I strive to uphold the same, but sometimes it seems like the world is pushing us to shove those values aside.

                I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a predicament with your son. I wish there were some light bulb idea I could share, but the best I can offer are a few thoughts, so take what you like and leave the rest...

                It sounds like your son isn't ready to accept or seek help yet, and will continue to stay put. If you also stay where you are, there may be ways of making the situation bearable, or adjusting your expectations maybe. I know that doesn't sound fair, and it isn't, but still perhaps an option.

                If you look for somewhere else to live, that requires some research so you know the reality of what you're getting into.

                I suppose what I'm saying is, I'm glad you're not out the door in a huff, not having thought things through. It sounds like you have, and will probably go. Either way, you've got a lot of life and mental health experience under your belt, and a lot going for you, please remember that
                uni

                ~ it's always worth it ~

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thanks Uni for sharing your thoughts ..
                  yes I have a bad temper and i can be easily irritated .. but I try to avoid this .. My evasive behavior is obvious .. I'm ready to leave the property to avoid trouble .. which is a very passive meek move .. I wasn't like this a decade ago .. That's a new defence mechanism that proved to be useful to maintain my mental health ..
                  Maybe I'm not leaving right now .. but it's only a matter of time .. I don't think forcing my son to leave is impossible .. but it might take one year or two to happen .. and I don't think I can wait that long .. I can wait for three or four months then eventually leave ..
                  Last edited by Jafar the wizard; September 2, 2021, 11:14 AM.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Keep us posted Jafar. A home should be calm and peaceful place. The refueling station. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Do you have other places or people that give you a break, even for awhile?
                    AJ

                    Humans punish themselves endlessly
                    for not being what they believe they should be.
                    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Jafar I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I know the tenant board is dealing with many other cases so hopefully they can help you sooner rather than later. I would suggest that you focus on helping your son improve upon his mental health which may help with his attitude. Prehaps you can speak to the doctor to see if they can assists you. An assessment can help determine if your son has a mental health issue. The Canadian Mental Health Society is offering free counselling during the pandemic, maybe you can speak with them or get your son to talk to them. Try to stay strong. Take things one day at a time. If you really need to leave for the sake of your mental health I would suggest that you try get some supports in place for your son before you leave. I wish you the best.

                      Mocha231
                      Last edited by Mocha231; September 4, 2021, 11:38 PM.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Yes AJ .. a home is a refueling station .. there's no doubt about that .. and that's what it means to me .. it's also my ( hideout ) .. many people who know me enjoy my company and they think I'm nice , caring and generous ..but that's only because I don't show up when I'm depressed .. I've been doing this during the past 6 years .. My mood swings can be very confusing and scary for people around me .. and I prefer to isolate myself when I'm depressed or angry ..

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Thanks , Mocha for your nice words .. and I'll try contacting the CMHA .. I know them but haven't been in contact with them for more than a year ..
                          by the way .. I can't suggest anything to my son .. we're not talking to each other for 3 weeks now .. I gave up trying to suggest anything because I'm tired of hearing the word NO .. sometimes I feel that my son says no before listening to what I have to offer ..
                          " good morning , son "
                          " no !! "
                          And even if I try to talk to him he'd never listen .. he can simply ignore me .. or put on headphones with loud music .. Or just stay in his room and refuse to answer ..

                          Comment


                            #14
                            UNI
                            I hear you .. ( adjusting our expectations ) is a very reasonable way of thinking .. and I have to admit that I'm not good at it .. but I'll try my best to consider it ..
                            ..
                            For a father like me .. it hurts a lot to live in the same small place with a 26 years old son who's using a piece of paper against me to stay in my place against my will ..
                            He didn't ask for it before moving in .. he brought all his belongings and stayed with me for a month for free .. then refused to pay me 300$ a month unless I give him his paper .. pretending that he needs it to be paid by ODSP .. he was twisting my arm and manipulating me .. then now he denies that .. he says he didn't ask for this paper only to be paid by ODSP .. he wants to have something to protect him from being evicted .. which means he lied to me .. in a nut shell : I can't trust my son anymore .. he's a crook .. I mean nothing to him .. I'm not a father .. I'm just a roommate .
                            ..
                            on the other hand .. the landlady refuses to deal with him and insists that I'm the only tenant she has and I pay the whole check .. for her I'm the father and I'm responsible for my son's misbehavior and I should not leave the property without taking him with me ..
                            My son is not gonna listen to me of course .. and he won't leave ..

                            I have 2 options now .. I swallow my anger and live peacefully with my son even if I feel disrespected and manipulated .. I pretend I'm ok but inside i live with DISGRACE .. that's how I feel now even if you think it's an overstatement ..
                            option 2 .. Is to leave the property and leave my son and the landlady to fight legally .. It's gonna be hard for me financially and psychologically .. but it seems to be a much safer choice .. because I'm an angry person .. and it's hard for me to feel disrespected and keep my mouth shut ..
                            Last edited by Jafar the wizard; September 22, 2021, 11:33 PM.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              I have to post an update to my story ..
                              it's going to be part 3
                              in brief : further to my previous comment I chose option number two ..
                              I moved out .. It happened six months ago but I didn't want to talk about it ..
                              now I think I'm ready to publish a post about it ..
                              Last edited by Jafar the wizard; October 25, 2022, 05:31 PM.

                              Comment

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