It has been awhile but troubles again.

[D.Carr]

Tis the season for messed up crap. My better half has been in a down slope for a good 8 months. Ever since she retired from her Social Worker job on the front line. It seems like it has come to a head today. She was very upset and angry about feeling like no one cares. Now I not not perfect in any way, but I do try. I try to listen when she needs me to and I try to hear what she is saying. Seems like right now none of that works. The world is against her and I am part of that world. I have had to work more hours and more on calls to try and make ends meet financially. I am tired when I get home and it is no excuse to not be there but at times it does make it hard to be what she needs at that moment. She is now threatening to leave both me and her son. She wans to end things. I don't think she means her life but our relationship. I don't want this but what can I do or say to maybe let her know that she is needed and thought of. I am at a loss. Things seemed ok then BOOM things were not.

Thanks for your council and advice
Derek

[AJ]

Hi Derek. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. How are things going? It’s hard to ride the emotional waves of loved ones.

I can relate to the ‘all seems ok and then boom.’ I suspect all is not okay, but at some point it just spills out.

It seems that feelings always find a way out, whether it’s a slow trickle or a boom. The hard part is finding healthy ways to express them as they come up.

Have you had a conversation when things are not in the ‘boom’ state?

[D.Carr]

Hello AJ thanks for your response. As for the conversations not in the BOOM state... Yes we have had some and I would like to think they are productive but I am not too sure. I think the most frustrating times in or out of the boom are when it feels as though I can not do anything right. I have to basically be told how I don't care, to "F" off, and I have to sit and take it and listen. Sometimes it is too hard and I have to walk away for a bit to collect my thoughts. And at the end of it all not even an apology or even acknowledgement that it even happened. I am just having a hard time with it and needed to talk about it. Thanks for being there AJ.

[AJ]

Hi D.Carr. It sounds like things can get pretty difficult. I would call what you describe as emotional abuse. It is hard to set boundaries with someone who is chipping away at your self esteem with those kind of statements. Walking away in the moment is a good thing. Self preservation is the immediate need.

The fact that you don't get an acknowledgement or apology for the behavior is very difficult. Even if you did, it really needs to stop. Is there any chance your better half would consider couples counselling? You might have an opportunity to be heard. It may give them an opportunity to see that some things need to change.

The extremely hard part is if there is no willingness on their part to go with you, and be willing to make some changes.

[D.Carr]

Thanks AJ your input is very helpful. I am going to talk with her about the possibility of couples counselling. The only problem I see with that is the costs. We live a very humble life financially.

[AJ]

Thanks for the update D.Carr. I understand the financial consideration. You may want to have a look at this https://mdsc.ca/finding-help/
It might help point you in the right direction.

[D.Carr]

I will look at the link thanks. Also just wondering but is it possible that meds could make things even worse? Her Doc has been working with her to try and find a good fit med wise. She has said to me that she does keep a journal and does chat with her Doc maybe once a month.

[AJ]

D.Carr, she might find it helpful to consult with her pharmacist about the medication as well.

[D.Carr]

AJ thanks again for your input. I will talk with her about the pharmacist as well. Maybe even to find a better one to talk with. The ones she uses right now there is a bit of a language barrier.

[AJ]

A language barrier can make it challenging.