Caregiver getting support

[AJ]

I've had the good fortune of traveling, but there's still much to be seen.
An African Safari would be quite the adventure. I do like water though. The ocean is great and lakes are beautiful too. I must be in need of a peaceful nature vacation.

[Atlantis]

I love the water too, I grew up right next to it.



This is a the view from my back patio

[gtchamp]

Oh my Karen...that photo is simply georgous!!!!

[paul m]

Hello Karen. Beautiful view, but I can really see why you feel life is such an uphill struggle. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Do you have an extra room Karen?

[uni]

That photo takes my breath away Karen! And to think you can see it from where you live! I'm off to Newfoundland; bring on the air fare.

Does looking at that view help to give you some serenity? I find it calming just to see it here on the forum...

[Atlantis]

Looking at the water helps me alot, we will often drive to a local beach on a stormy day, where it is safe to view the rough waters, a favorite local spot for viewing the waters safely, and its very calming to see how powerful nature can be.

[Woody]

Just beautiful view!

[wantstounderstand]

I started off with a rough night and day.. but after reading through this post.. it has helped...

My DW has suicidal ideation ... she had BPD/OCD/Anxiety-Health Anxiety/PTSD / Depression...

she has left the DBT course.. they released her due to too much Suicidal ideation ( its a prerequisite to get into the program ) she was told that after 3 months her GP can refer her back.. which he did .. and the very therapist that she was seeing and suggested the re-referral refused her from the facility completely... (this was the only place in the city that we know of that would have been covered by OHIP ... needless to say she was devastated.. reached out to another DR at the same location and has an appointment in March ...

She has been struggling with the Health Anxiety lately... to the point where she feels everything is a death sentence .. and her physically symptoms are over the top.. on any given day she is feeling ... sore or weak ( she suffers from Vertigo as well ) arms legs stomach back , numbness, achs, you name it she has felt it ... she has had all scopes available ultrasounds mri’s and xrays... now she is worried about her heart and has a cardiolgist appointment on Friday ... its a loose loose ... you are anxious for the symptoms and than anxious for the appointment as well as waiting for the results... we have been to the hospital 4 times in the last 3 months...


On top of that she is so anxious that she doesn't want to be alone

I am usually pretty good at coping.. taking time for myself but I have been struggling lately with what I am missing out of ..

Due to my DW stomach issues.. I cannot cook with any spices… which is fine.. I try to make the portion of our meals separate ( chicken breast in two small containers as apposed to one ) so I can season mine …
But I have to limit what I can eat sometimes because its just easier to eat the same thing.. I love cooking and to me .. creating new dishes and learning how to cook new dishes helps relieve my stress..

Anxiey. We can’t go too far right now because of the anxiety… so no day trips or outings that would be nice to create memories with . I got tickets to go see Jay & Silent Bob Reboot in Toronto for Feb 1^st and at the last minute I had to find a friend to go .. when I was going to get one single ticket anyway because I didn’t want to have to be put in that position .. but she insisted I get two and the one thing I was concerned about happening ... happened... Now I don't really want to get tickets to anything for fear of trying to find someone ...

We can’t travel due to her worry over bed bugs and a diabetic dog ( due to her anxiety she can’t give him his needle ) so its all on me .. 2x a day … I had children young ( they are 16 and 21 ) so I could travel … that not happening ..

The negativity can get to be a lot .. I feel bad she is in pain.. but the pain comes with complaining and explaining how it’s the worst case scenario … and its all the time… it never stops… she knows that it gets to me because she can see if on my face.. but her reply is … it gets to her too.. which I understand…
I worry about having to leave work if her anxiety is too much…. I stress about taking time off… we all know what days off/sick days are like trying to take in most companies. I have had to take days off for her in the past.. actually I have taken more days off for her or her appointments than for me … over the course of our relationship..

I find there are days I am grieving ( it’s a think for caregivers to have to acknowledge ) as per my Family Connections program I took with my MIL at the same facility my DW had her group in … it was for friends /family of ) for what I am missing out on … nice meals , going out to restaurants ( which I can’t do due to all the allergies she has ) vacations trips concerts/ theater…. Just general typical everyday things.

I fear telling her will make her feel worse about this than she already does ( guilt is a big thing with BPD ) … she says to me from time to time… I feel bad for you .. you don’t have a life.. you can’t do anything with me .. you deserve better…
I love her immensely and know that there are limitations and am always trying to find new and different ways to overcome them and make memories together .. sometimes it works and other times not so much.. But that isn't anyone's fault..

I find it exhausting always negotiating .. or reasoning with her feelings and symptoms.. like ( my arm is sore... do you think I am having a heart attack”

No… I don’t think so … maybe its 1) a pulled muscle 2) pinched nerve etc...

I feel I am always reasoning that the pain symptom is something else.. and trying to make sense of it for something other than doom and gloom…

I get it and I can’t imagine how exhausting it is for her .. I try to put myself in her shoes as often as I can and be mindful of how she must feel.. but it can be overwhelming … I think I just needed a place to get this off my chest to others who are in similar situations …

I know this was a lot and it contained a lot of info but I really appreciate the ability to post on here!!!!


“you won’t be happy with anything else if you not first happy with yourself “

[uni]

I hope it has helped you to write things out and post. It does seem that you love her immensely. I can understand the grieving aspect of things I admire your insight and patience. I truly hope that things will take a turn for the better with the new therapist in March.

[wantstounderstand]

uni thank you for acknowledging my post. I know know one ... even me... has all the answers.. However any advice, kind words of encouragement or reassurance is always welcome.. I know that for people to get through things support is imperative ... Here is to more positive things happening in the future...

[paul m]

Hello Wantstounderstand. You certainly appear to have tried your best to be supportive and helpful. Unfortunately sometimes our best efforts don't make much of a difference. If a doctor with medical school and years of experience cannot find what works, it is really difficult for us to do so. Having said that I have learned more about my illness by reading on line forums, magazine articles and books then I ever did from a pdoc. I learned a lot from one of my pdocs, but not as much as I have from other sources..I have no great advice to give. You might try getting some brochures and leaving them for her to read. However I suspect you've either done that or that DW won't read them.

Make sure that you look after yourself as it's easy to become ill yourself in this type of situation. Things like DW backing out of going to a concert is hard on you. However while I'm sure that you would love to have company, going by yourself may help you even if it ends up wasting one ticket. Take Care. paul m

[wantstounderstand]

paul m I appreciate your post and advice ..... however the health anxiety is so bad that anything she reads she deems as a symptom and she not only has but is afraid that its terminal.. She knows that she is not searching the right sights. and if she did search the proper ones she may not feel what she does to the same extent .... however that is easier said than done .... . she used to get reassurance by the doctor saying they don't think anything is wrong in the aspect she is worried about but that has stopped, even tests that say she is in the clear and there is no issue doesn't reassure her anymore ...

if I leave out brochures she will take that as ... you think I have this... and worry... I mean i may be wrong .. but a big part of me thinks not..

I have no issue going alone. with this most recent. I was ok with getting only one ticket. but she insisted going with me.. so I got two ... I will have a different discussion next time when the opportunity presents itself to go to a show or something .....

[paul m]

Hello Wantstounderstand. That's a tough one. When I had serious health issues I tended to ignore advice and refused to admit that I had problems (Health and other problems). I certainly wasn't a good listener and I tended to dismiss others as not understanding. Take Care. paul m