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    First timer wanting to write.

    Hi all,
    I've been trying for some time now to find a forum for family members of someone who is bipolar and so far no such luck. I found this website just by browsing looking for group support systems in my province.
    My name is Megan and I am currently engaged to my dual diagnoses fiance for 2 years. He is bipolar and also has a drug addiction.
    I guess I just wanted to vent, write, and to see if I can find anyone to relate to me.
    These past 2 years together have been a crazy roller coaster ride to say the least. I've gotten pretty down on myself, I sought the help of a therapist and picked myself back up again but I find that once it starts going good it goes bad again.
    My fiance suffers from extreme paranoia, anxiety, insecurity. He is constantly questioning me and needing to be reassured and over analyzing everything.
    I feel I have to prove my love to him and it gets so frustrating just continually answering the same questions over and over. He regularly sees a therapist as well as a psychiatrist to get help with these issues but it seems to get better for awhile, then REALLY bad again.
    I have read 3 or 4 bipolar books, I know the illness and what I should do in situations but reading about it and doing it are two different things.
    I just get so upset, frustrated and angry at him. I have no patients for the repetitive questions, it's driving me NUTS! At the start of this relationship I handled it, but now it's just getting hard. I got help, learned how to deal with my anger and frustrations, learned where it was coming from but I still get really down on myself when I don't handle the situation like I should.
    I understand it is his illness and not his fault so when he asks something for the 100th time I really try just to answer without showing my frustration but alas, it is difficult.
    There are times when things are so good, perfect almost. We are so in love, planning our wedding together then it just goes bad and I get in a state of hopelessness. I understand he needs me to be the cargiver, he needs my support, my positivity and my understanding and I just feel like at times I just can't give that to him. The pressure of having to be so good to him and for him just gets to me and I have little breakdowns where I just need to think, recover and then I can be there for him. I guess I just feel guilty for not always being there to help him in the right way and then I beat myself up over it.

    Along with the bipolar illness he also has a substance abuse problem. He has been clean and sober 2 years this October (yay for him!) but this is also very hard to deal with. I just feel like a failure and that I'm no good sometimes, I try my best but at times I feel I just make him worst.
    I love him more than anything and just want someone to understand. The response I got from my therapist all the time was "Maybe you can't do this", I HATED hearing that! I know I can and WANT to do this, I just want someone to listen.
    Thanks for listening/reading
    Meg.

    #2
    Hi Meg and Welcome to the Forum,

    My name is Karen and I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I am recovering from a major episode that happened in early March.

    I read your post a couple of times before I responded.

    I understand you are trying as hard as you can and giving as much as you can from the very bottom of your heart but personally for me it is also hard to hear your side of the story as I am the person with the illness and you are the person without the illness, i mean this in the most compasionate way.

    But, if your wiling to share your feelings and listen, I am willing to share my feelings and listen too and I think we could help each other understand what it is like to walk in each others shoes...

    I am married and I know it is very difficult for my husband to understand my illness as well.

    I look forward to hearing more from you.
    Take Care,
    Karen

    Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying...
    "I will try again tomorrow."

    Comment


      #3
      Welcome to the forums Meg. Whatever is going on for your fiance, no matter how much you want to support him, you need to take care of yourself. We cannot be truly available to someone else, if we haven't taken care of ourselves.
      AJ

      Humans punish themselves endlessly
      for not being what they believe they should be.
      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

      Comment


        #4
        Hello Megan and welcome to the forums. Unfortunately there are too many unanswered questions for me to give a good answer. So I will instead give you some questions to ask yourself and your B/F

        1) Is he seeing the best doctor he can? Does he keep all of his appts?

        2) Are you ever invited on appts to see if he is telling the doc the whole truth about his illness? (for some reason many of us either forget to tell the docs things or are a bit less than truthfull sometimes)

        3) Does he take his meds every day as scheduled? Several missed doses in a row can take days to catch up on or sometimes may even permanetly impair that meds abillity to work.

        4) does he do all that is possible to get better? this may include diet, proper sleeping habits and avoiding people, places or events that trigger his illness.

        5) Does he belong to any support groups and/or take additional therapy for his illness?

        6) The largest question of all. While everyone wants to get well, does he want to do what it takes to get better? It's very hard sometimes to get better and not everybody can be well again. There is no 100% cure rate with bipolar. But every body can be better and enjoy life again, but sometimes expectations have to be adjusted.

        7) Finally, are you willing to accept that he has a chronic and difficult illness that he will battle all of his life? He may get considerable better and eventually manage his illness well. But it is not a curable illness an at times there will be flare ups.

        While most who post here do suffer from an illness themselves, some like myself, do have a close family memeber with the illness, so we know how difficult it can be for you. Please continue to post and to ask questions or just to vent. Take Care. paul m
        "Alone we can do so little;
        Together we can do so much"
        Helen Keller

        Comment


          #5
          Thanks everyone for your responses.
          Atlantis--Karen I would love to see what it is like to walk in each others shoes. My fiance tells me all the time what it is like to be him but unfortunately it just isn't the same coming from him as it would be coming from someone else. My therapist also tells me what it is like, but it would be nice to hear from another family member about how your marriage and life works with the bipolar illness. It would give me some hope.
          Thanks for the advice AJ. I do agree with you that if I cannot help myself I am no good to anybody. I think I try to rush myself into getting better sometimes because I feel I have to do that for him, but I do need to take time to heal myself first.
          As for the questions you asked paul I will write my answers (for myself) if that's okay.

          1) I don't know if you would call his therapist the "best doctor". He had what he considered to be the best therapist for him, a good relationship for over a year and then the therapist got to "involved" and really hurt him, so he hasn't gone back to that therapist again. He is currently seeing a different one who seems to be working well with him. And yes, he keeps all his appts. Sometimes I have to give him a little push to go, or suggest perhaps he move up the appt, and he does so. The psychiatrist situation is a bit different, he's old, out a lot, but excellent when he is there...it's very hard to get a good pshy doc here in my province, takes months to get a new referral so we work with what we got, he also attends those appts regularly as well.

          2) Only once have I been invited to one of his appts. That is a good idea, I have never thought about it. We were both considering couples therapy actually to let someone else shed some light onto our situation, but again, it is hard to find someone who specializes in only bp disorder. Do you suggest I go with him to the therapist or the psychiatrist?

          3) Meds on time, every day at the same time. He has found a good dosage that works for him and has worked for him for years.

          4) He now has changed his life to include a better diet, he exercises regularly and sleeps well. It's hard to avoid some situations such as social events and such that contain alcohol but we try to limit them. It's really hard for me because I am an extremely social person who of course drinks occasionally. Now drinking is not his addiction, it's drugs, but that is still hard on him. I understand his addiction but find it hard to balance my life from his. I don't want to cut out my friends but at the same time we cannot do a lot of things together because he finds it hard being in those situations. I have changed my life drastically to accommodate his addiction, but it is, very hard.

          5) No support groups...He has tried NA and AA and just hated it. He says he will give it another try, I remind him every so often that maybe he should but he says it's not "for him". I think support groups would be helpful though.

          6) he 100% wants to do what it takes to get better.

          7) Funny you ask this, as he does too, all the time and my therapist does as well. I do accept fully and 100% that this is a lifelong illness and we will be battling this forever. I understand that it does and has gotten a lot better and I understand that there are going to be times where it just goes all to shit (pardon my french).

          Most times are good, and most days his illness is under control, but the bad days are surely, bad. I appreciate everyone's answers, and I appreciate you all so much for listening to what I have written, thank you.
          Meg.

          Comment


            #6
            Hello Meg and welcome aboard

            Thank you for sharing your story with us. One of the things that stuck out to me was the level of paranoia and the constant questioning. Have they ever considered that he might have Schizoaffective Disorder (BP & Schizophrenia symptoms)?

            I admire your courage and determination in standing by your partner.

            Have you tried talking to the folks at CMHA. They have been invaluable to me here in getting me in touch with resources. Here is there website for your area.
            Woody

            Comment


              #7
              Hello Megan. First, whatever you feel comfortable writing is fine with me. Second, I hope you didn't think I was trying to grill you. But sometimes when we post replies the more info the better.

              I also forgot to commend you on your excellent efforts to find out more about your partners illness. You certainaly have made an effort. I wish more people made the same effort that you have.

              Most mental health support groups are similiar to AA etc. However they are also much different. (I know sounds weird) The mental health support groups that I attend are very loosely organized as far as the meetings go.

              For example, while people may talk about their success or failures I find the meetings are more about information sharing as well as some venting and comforting. Because of this they change in character from meeting to meeting. So if one meeting doesn't suit me, I know one of the following meetings will help. All he can do is try. By the way most groups also either allow friends and loved ones to attend or they have a seperate group for them.

              Couples therapy may help, but as you have said, it is very hard to find someone who knows much about BP. I found that when my wife went to the shrinks appts with me(not every one) it helped all involved. The doc liked it because it gave him a fresh perspective on me, I liked it because I often forgot to bring things up with the doctor and my wife liked it because she could ak some hard hitting questions that I either couldn't answer or didn't want to answer.

              I'm glad he takes his meds on time all of the time and that they generally work for him. But it sounds as if something is missing. Perhaps a short acting med that he might take only occasionially to help curtail the start of paranoid periods(that what my son does) .I take lorazepam for my anxieties. Sometimes Cognetive behavioural therapy can help with those two things as well. Usually the key to anxieties and sometimes paranoia is cut to off the problem before it gets started. (anger too) That is easier said than done but CBT can really help, as can realizing what triggers our problems. Triggers can be a whole reply in itself, so if your unsure of what I mean, just ask.

              I can't comment on somebodies else's friends. There are just to many variables. However I can make a few observations about humans in general. One is that as we age, have children (or not) our lives become much different than they were. Many friendships do not survive all of these changes.Most people do not have the same close friends at 75 that they had at 15 or even 25. Sometimes a good evening out can be very theraputic for the care giver, but true friends will realize that sometimes an alternative to drinks and/or drugs must be found at least part of the time in order for friendships to remain intact and for everybody to participate. If someones spouse had a very serious problem with diabetes, the chances are the birthday party would not include regular cake and ice cream or booze. It would be cruel to do that. Rather other accomadations would be made.

              However, no matter what I have just said, you two sound as if you already doing the most important thing your battling this illness. Good for you both, never give up, it is possible to enjoy life again. Ask my wife and I. It was an extremely long battle for us and many accomadations had to be made by us both, but we are still enjoying life together. In August we will have mrd 34 yrs. Take Care. paul m.
              "Alone we can do so little;
              Together we can do so much"
              Helen Keller

              Comment


                #8
                Woody- I actually just got some numbers from the cmha here in my province and I am going to give them a call regarding some support groups in my area. Regarding the Schizoaffective Disorder I haven't considered it but I have just done some reading on it and it doesn't seem like that is the case. He has no psychosis, or delusions or hallucinations. It's mainly insecurities and with these insecurities stems questions and anxiety as well as paranoid thoughts. Mainly these being that I will leave him, I don't love him, I want someone else. He finds it hard accepting that I accept him. His therapist says he doesn't allow himself to be loved, he doesn't think he is worthy of love, therefore this is where insecurities come into play. I reassure him all the time, but it does get hard on me and it is very frustrating trying to love someone with all your heart when they won't allow me to fully love them.
                I love him with all of my heart and I would and will do anything to try and understand how to help him, I guess at times when I cannot help him I feel useless and like I've done something wrong. But either way thanks for the kudos.

                Paul--As for the mental health groups we have not tried these yet. Only the NA and AA. I am going to suggest it to him to see what his opinion on the matter be. I think it would be nice for both of us to sit down together with people like us in our position. It certainly would make me feel like I am not alone and I sure the same for him. It would be comforting to hear other peoples stories. I will let you know how that goes when I bring it up to him.

                Regarding the therapy together, I will also mention this. He comes back from therapy and pretty well tells me how it all went and says he tells the therapist everything, but it would be nice to join him as well. I guess I just thought I would be intruding. He has never invited me himself so I thought that maybe he thought that was more of "his" time to talk about his feelings.
                He thinks that he bothers me with all his questions and his constant need to talk so maybe he feels I would not want to go with him. I certainly make it seem like that sometimes, so I understand where that feeling would come from. We just need help communicating and a therapist together might help that.

                As for what's missing, he is taking Seroquel (only recently been put on this) which I read and we were told is useful to treat symptoms associated with schizophrenia. This seems to be working better.
                He cannot take lorazopam or any benzodiazepines because of his addiction....We had a problem with this a year ago where a doc subscribed him clonazepam knowing he had a substance abuse problem. He took way to many at a time and with alcohol because of the "high" affect it gave him, so those are totally out of the picture. I had to flush them down the toilet and we never went back to that doc again.

                I will read into the CBT and see what that says, offhand it sounds interesting.

                I also agree with you about the whole friend issue. He has cut himself off from friends who won't accept or who are a bad influence on him. We limit our time spent in bars or where booze is excessive because it's to hard on him. I know we are both doing the right thing, I know we are in the right direction I guess this is the first time I have spoke to someone else besides my mother, therapist and him about it. It's just nice to be surrounded by people who get it, and I think that's where the support groups will come in handy.
                Thanks for all the advice. And I am so glad I found this forum.
                Meg.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by megatron10
                  His therapist says he doesn't allow himself to be loved, he doesn't think he is worthy of love, therefore this is where insecurities come into play. I reassure him all the time, but it does get hard on me and it is very frustrating trying to love someone with all your heart when they won't allow me to fully love them.
                  I can't speak for everyone but what the therapist says rings true for me as well. It is very difficult for me to even like myself, so it becomes very hard to accept love from another person.

                  Then there is always the fear that when the person I love sees the "true" me, the "sick", bipolar, out of my mind me, will they love me then, maybe after one or two episodes, but will the manic and depressive episodes get too much, will the trips to the psyche ward and mountains of pill bottles in the cupboard get too overwhelming...Will the weeks of me having so much energy i can only sleep 2 hours a night followed by laying on the couch in a zombie like state barely able to eat, shower or talk finally wear him down...

                  Of course I am stable for long periods in between these "bad" periods but it is very hard on a marriage...And I am left wondering if the love of my life will leave me because my illness is so horrible and damaging to our realtionship.
                  In his defense, I can hardly live with myself either

                  p.s. Meg I am so glad you found the forum too .
                  Take Care,
                  Karen

                  Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying...
                  "I will try again tomorrow."

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hello Meg, and welcome. Thank you for sharing so honestly, and I'm glad you found this forum too.

                    Congratulations on learning so much and trying so hard to understand your fiance's illness and addiction. You seem to "get it" as much as a person without mental illness can. So don't be too hard on yourself ok? After all you're only human.

                    Some of the forum members have shared some wise words here. I will add that although 12 step programs are not for everybody, and apparently not for your fiance, they do sometimes help those who love someone with an addiction. I don't know if you are familiar with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, but if you are open to a spiritual angle they may be worth checking out. They're usually in the phone book.

                    I look forward to hearing more from you Meg. You truly are not alone in what you're dealing with. I wish you well.
                    uni

                    ~ it's always worth it ~

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Hello Meg. The next bit I talk about may sound like a criticism, but it's not. I insert these only to try and help you understand a bit more about bipolar disorder.

                      First I will do a small poll.

                      Ok everybody if you have bipolar please answer the following questions truthfully.

                      1) Have you ever came home and not told your signifigant other the truth about how your shrink appt went?

                      2) Have you ever lied to your spouse for stupid reasons while having a mood swing?

                      3) Have you ever lied to your spouse because you felt insecure about how they would react to the real answer?

                      4)Have you ever lied or evaded the truth with your shrink?

                      5) Have you ever lied while having a manic episode because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time(to your spouse or shrink)?

                      6) Have you ever lied about being depressed or manic(to your spouse or shrink)?

                      I don't even need to wait for the poll results. 100% will answer yes to some and most of us would say "Heck Yes" to all 6.

                      While it may look like everybody with bipolar is a liar, that's not quite the truth. Sometimes our illness causes us to rationalize that lying is ok, sometimes we want approval from our loved ones so we tell them everything is ok(or we're scared of their reaction if we tell them the truth).

                      Sometimes the illness causes us to do really dumb things that we don't think of as lying. " Gosh Honey, I don't know what happened to the visa bill, are you sure it should have arrived already" (of course I had already hidden it to hide my spending spree).

                      My long overdue points are: try to go to at least a few of his therapy appts, it may reassure you both. Second, sometimes people with bipolar have a very distorted sense of reality during their mood swings. The worse part is we may not even realize that we are having mood swings. By discussing your concerns with his therapist, you both may be able to come up with not only a plan to recogonize his various moods, but how to combat them more effectively. Take Care. paul m
                      "Alone we can do so little;
                      Together we can do so much"
                      Helen Keller

                      Comment

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