Thanks Bella, I'm always being told "I'm strong" - truth is I do what I have to do but am falling to pieces on the inside. I feel like a phoney. I do have Complex PTSD and with that comes depression. I remember my mother trying to burn me in hot water when I was very young. My father screaming that I was a slut and other horrid words when I was only 9 years old...what could I have done to deserve this? My sister remembers all and has suffered her entire life, I blocked out everything so I could get on with life but now it's coming back to me. All the other 'stuff', drugs, ***, rape, beaten, watching someone shoot himself, and getting through more than I can list here, I finally get away from that life and meet my true love only to have him die in my arms when he was only 30 and we had a 3 1/2 month old son. That was 24 years ago. I having a hard time trying to meet new people. I actually don't like people, mostly women as they lie, judge, let you down and put you down behind your back. Men...no thank you, they don't know how to just be friends and I'm past wanting a partner. I've isolated myself now in my home. Even looking outside makes me want to cry as I can't go out. I feel like I'm going INSANE! I was so successful after a horrid childhood and teenage years and when married. Now I'm nothing.....just nothing. I would take my life if it weren't for my son - but I never hear from him so sometimes I wonder if he would care or not. I think he would hate me and that's the only thing stopping me. Thanks for reading such a long post.....it's still hard for me to tell everything.
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Rhgirl I am so sorry to hear of the burden you have had to carry. It is far, far more than one individual should have to endure. You are not nothing rhgirl. You are everything. Please allow yourself to mourn for your lost youth, your lost love, and the lost years. You don't have to apologize to anybody for anything my warrior friend.
I wish you the peace that surpasses all understanding.
In my thoughts and prayersComment
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Hi rhgirl, I genuinely feel for everything you have been through. No one deserves to go through any of that. You are a true survivor of your past and you are a fighter for the inner battles you continue to fight. I know you say you that you're just doing what you have to do to get by, but I hope you recognize that you have the strength that not many others do. You stood by your true love during an unimaginably difficult time, and you raised your son all on your own. You have fought through so much in your life and you deserve to see the light of every day that is to come. You can think of this time as a new chapter in your life for yourself. I understand how difficult it is to find new friends. To be honest, maintaining friendships during dark times is not always easy anyways. I don't have many friends either and I can relate when you say you actually don't like people, I get it. I've gotten used to going out by myself. I feel more comfortable and I don't feel any pressure to please the person I'm with. Plus you can consider the people you've met on this forum your new friends, I know I do. You are not nothing, you are an incredible person, believe that.
BellaComment
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Hi Rhgirl,
First I want to tell you how your story touched me and how your story has similarity to mine. I grew up with an alcoholic father therefore emotional abuse and a depressive mother. I had a few eposides of ***ualt assault and rape but the one I still can't handle is the time my own father came into my bedroom and told me approching my bed with a huge vibrator in one hand telling me he was going to show me how to make love. I screamed like I never screamed and pushed him yelling for him to get out of my bedroom.
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I have been able to forgive the other abuses, physical and ***ualt attacks but can't for the life of me forget what my father did. I also have PSTD, am bipolar, have depressions, anxiety etc. Just when I think I am done with that pain. I have stayed away from him 15 years now. The last time I saw him I was in mid 30's and he still came on to me, saying I was ***y ect.. I could not believe it and told him how sick he was and pushed him close to a window. I saw a flash of him crashing through the window and falling a 2 storey house and I killing him. After that day there is no way I was ever going to see him again as I got too upset and feared one day I would kill him.
I have been feeling like crying and numb at the same time for awhile... well ever since through Facebook my sister in law sent me a message that had his name and comments.. my heart started beating, nausea and I read his comments but could not understand the meaning of his sentences. I had a friend read it and she too could not find the meaning???? He talks like he is God, a prophet...none of it makes sense.
It pisses me off as since I saw his name written and what he wrote I feel uneasy, like just Facebook is him too close to me it is freaking me out. After all these years, I am now retired 2 years on disability because of Bipolar and PTSD. My soul was broken and for the life of me I never returned to normal.
I say you are strong and must be and will be an angel when you leave this world. But now you have your son, so precious to just hang in there another day, and another day...I never got married, still single at 52 and barely get out of the appartment because I am scared and depressed.
May God bless you rhgirl!!!
PinkvioletComment
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