General Topics Not sure how much more I can take

[hellfish]

I have been suffering from OCD, depression and anxiety for 23 years. It's the same old recipe everyone on this sight has probably gone through.

It started when I was 20 years old and now I am 43. I had my severe episodes but it has been a living hell since January 2015- let me explain

I was on a weird combination of Paxil and Ciprelex- and it was working! In January 2015, I started a decline. My psychiatrist decided that we needed to stabilize on one medication and we choose Cipralex. That went horribly and by March I was taken off the Cipralex and put back on the Paxil.

I am sure you all guessed what happened? Withdrawal effects from the Paxil and then withdrawal effects from the Cipralex when I was put back on the Paxil. My psychiatrist was astonished that this had happened as they were both medications in the same class.

I 'existed' in extreme emotional pain working a high stress/high responsibility job. To ease the anxiety the psychatrist prescribed Xanax- well that was not a great idea. If any of you are familiar with the Guns N Roses song Mr. Brownstone, my experiences with Xanax went as follows: 'I use to do a little but a little would not do it it so the little got more and more, just trying to get a little better, a little better than before'

I was initially prescribed 3 x .25 Xanax per day. Well I had a stock load of the stuff from previous times that I never took. I was upto and exceeding 12 pills per day. I managed to ween myself back to 3 x .25 per day. (I did this myself with the advice of my physician)

Finally, by October, I was down to 1/2 .25mg and I was on top of the world. I was back to my old self. I came to learn that old habits dies hard....

For reasons I still can not figure out, I started taking Xanax again- I was not depressed or anything just a little burnt out from my job. I thought it would take the edge off. I climbed to a high dosage and lowered it drastically because I could not function at work.

I started to go through terrible withdrawal symptoms (diagnosed as borderline psychotic) to which the psychiatrist prescribed Librium. (Now I am trying to wean off that med) I have been better but my OCD is raging OUT of control.

I am having OCD thoughts about getting back with a girl that I dated when I was 15 years old ( do the math- over 27 years ago!!!) Granted she was my 'first' but I have not seen or spoken to her in 27 years!!!

I have been with my current wife since I was 16 years old. Not only do these thoughts scare me but what do they mean? I looked up my old girlfriend on Facebook and LinkedIn and she has three kids. I have literally thought about this girl 10 times in 27 years and now I can get her off my mind!!!!!!!!!!

Can someone please offer some advice? I am so depressed, I am anxious all day (even with the Librium) and I don't know what is happening. Is it that my brain is just not in a rational mode?

Any advice, comments, words of support would be helpful. I am at the edge of my rope and it's getting short- I am not sure how long I can go on like this- the unfortunate reality I don't want to admit is that the depression is winning-

Thanks,

Hellfish

[paul m]

Hello Hellfish. Sorry that you are having such a rough time. I will preface this by saying that I have no medical training and I've never suffered from OCD. Plus you may already know much of what follows. A better guide then myself may be the Mayo clinic which has a pretty good primer on OCD http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-c...n/con-20027827

OCD often becomes worse unless the illness is arrested somehow. The most conventional way to slow down the illness and become better is through a combination of psycho-therapy and medication. Proper therapy designed for someone with OCD tends to be hard to find and/or expensive. In Ontario only a few such therapy programs are covered by our health care plan. I do not know about Quebec, but if you have a benefit plan at your job, they may cover some or all of the costs.

General Cognitive Behavioural Therapies (CBT) are a little easier to find, but not nearly as effective for OCD, although sometimes some help is better than none.

In regards to taking Librium instead of Xanax they are both benzodiazepines and they both have similar withdrawal effects. The withdrawal effects can cause major anxiety all on it's own and large amounts of anxiety(stress) are known to trigger OCD.

While it is common to substitute one SSRI ( Paxil and Cipralex are both SSRI's ) for another SSRI to reduce of eliminate the withdrawal symptoms, it doesn't always work. One popular method of reducing withdrawal symptoms is to prescribe prozac, however I am not trying to say that your doctor was wrong as I have no idea about your medical history and prozac has other problems associated with it. Prozac is also used in the treatment of OCD . Crazy Meds has a reasonable primer on it http://www.crazymeds.us/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Meds/Prozac

You ask "Is it that my brain is just not in a rational mode? " I can't speak for you, nor even comment whether you are not in a rationale mod or not. However I can appreciate just how difficult this whole situation is for you. When my brain gets a little less than rationale, it often needs a little help and sometimes that little help can be very hard to find.

Once again I can appreciate your frustrations and I wish you luck in finding a solution. In the meantime keep posting as venting out our frustrations to others who care is often helpful. Take Care. paul m