New Member - Life Turned Upside Down

[Lady in Blue]

Hello, fellow forum members,

I'm very happy to have discovered this online forum. I have had depression and anxiety since childhood, and for many years it was stabilized. I took the lemons and made lemonade out of them, got my degree and a diploma, started my own business and worked part time a few hours a day. Then my father died in 2014, I took care of mom who developed Alzheimer's while trying to get my business off the ground and working part time. When mom died in 2018, everything unraveled - financial security, housing, health and business. Due to environmental illness, particularly from wood burning smoke, there is nowhere on this earth I can live right now, and the building I live in was taken over in April by a conglomerate with three different names who are hell bent on renovations in order to increase the rent beyond the guidelines. I even went to NF to see if going back home to live was an option, but the sulfur from the mill and the wood burning from all the communities across the province put paid to that. Rather than a vacation it was a grief process of finally saying goodbye to my roots, and seeing the state of my home town, which was really sad. The biggest loss I'm facing now is my business, which took 10 years to develop but the model is not working. What really killed it was 10 months of harassment from a college who purchased my services in advance, then decided there were bureaucratic complications. The project has been put on hold while I've forked out so much money in cyber insurance and other IT expenses. But the worst part of that experience was the sense of shame and incompetency I was made to feel, and that will take much longer to recover from. Anyway, the violins are getting quite loud so I'll stop here for now. Thanks for listening.

[AJ]

Hi Lady in Blue and welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us too! Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. Starting up your own business must have been a daunting task. Throw in health issues and sick family members and that's a lot on your plate.

[Rosey]

Lady in Blue, so nice to meet you. I can so relate to your life experience!. I also have depression and anxiety and just came back from the East coast where I laid my dad to rest with my mom. (tears - now I cant see the keyboard) I feel like my life has been on hold for many years now. I sometimes feel that with this episode of depression that I may never recover. It's so hard just to take care of everyday life. I wonder how I ever managed to work and take care of everyday life. Or maybe I'm just feeling the effects of old age and will never have the energy I used to have. I get so sick and tired of my own violin music! I am also trying to start a craft business and now finally have the room ready to use in the house and I'm inspired. I need to take my car in to do a safety today (moved provinces) and worry if I will be able to survive financially.

[Lady in Blue]

Hi AJ, thank you; it's been a depressing day and seeing two responses has cheered me up. Yes, starting my own business was challenging. I had a business idea but it wasn't viable - i.e. could not generate revenue - from the beginning. I kept thinking, hoping, that when the time was right, the solution would present itself. The four biggest challenges were a) being a service based business, the individual clients and agencies didn't have the funding to pay for my service, which I was selling for well under the market value and not even breaking even; b) I had significant mathematical and organizational challenges when it came to administering the business and lousy sales/marketing skills; c) once the demand for services began to increase, the performance anxiety combined with the time it took to produce each report became overwhelming at times; and d) in recent years cyber crime and PIPPA have made online businesses extremely expensive and legislatively untenable; essentially, clients are being confidentialized out of service. You see, I had this dream of making my tool financially accessible across all the provinces in Canada. I even got requests from the States and Australia. It is such a loss, and I'm in limbo because even though my business is over, I have to honour the contracts that have been paid for. Although mom didn't think I had enough business acumen to be self-employed, during the days of her illness she would always say, " Don't mind me, you go do your work." It kills me now to think I spent too much time on my business than with her, only to end up in failure. I can't even get anyone interested in buying the copyright because the business hasn't generated revenue. So I'm going to convert it into a workbook that anyone can buy and I won't have to worry about password protection and cyber insurance and encryption and costly hosting.

[Lady in Blue]

Rosey, I am delighted to meet someone who has a connection to NL. I am so very sorry for your loss. No matter how old they are or how expected it is, nothing prepares you for that moment. Was your father's death sudden or did you have time to come to spend with him and prepare to some extent? My dad died at a veteran's hospital in Toronto, and mom and I saw him shortly before he died. My sister, niece brother, mom and I went to visit him after he was laid out, with a flag draped over him because he was in the war. It was the first time I saw a dead body, and was so afraid of how I'd react. But I surprised myself; however, I'm not sure how much of that was shock. We had a celebration of life at the funeral home. However, with mom it was different. She died at home. I vowed that I would never put her in a nursing home (because she dreaded the thought), and that she would die at home (she hated hospitals). Her death hit me harder than dad's, because I lived with her since 2001. I don't know where I got the inner strength to get through that night, although it felt like a vice was crushing all my muscles and internal organs. The funeral service was very nice, albeit sparsely attended. What made it extra special was that the cantor played my little refrain I used to sing to mom when she was missing home (England). It's hard to move on when you're living in the same apartment. Yes, the daily tasks of everyday life and the loss of energy as we get older make it harder to be resilient to depression, which may, in fact, be an expression of grief. Have you every gone to bereavement groups? I know I had a hard time finding one but New Beginnings and grief journey.com /among friends/have groups and social activities including cruises (not that I would have the money for such exotic adventures). When the facilitators and all the literature said that you never get over grief, I refused to believe it and didn't find that approach very helpful. However, I can see why they would say it when something triggers a grief burst. I think it depends on how much we are alone and how loved or not we feel. You have no doubt been busy with the logistics of death and operating on automatic pilot. Now that everything is settling down, that's when the feelings come. Reach out as you need to.

[uni]

Welcome to the forum, Lady in Blue!

[Lady in Blue]

Thank you, Uni; it's a pleasure to be here.

[Rosey]

Lady in Blue, How sad for you to live with your mom and then lose her. I so hope you can recover from your business losses. Life can be hard sometimes. My dad was in a nursing home with some dementia. The care their was fabulous and he actually was much happier there as he was socially isolated for years. It was the best place for him and we continued to have the care worker that came to the house see him 3 times per week so there was some continuity in his life. He was 92 and died a year and a half after my mom. I lived across the country so did say goodbye to my dad when I visited in the summer. My dad died a year ago Sept. I have done a CBT group which my nurse practitioner referred me too when my mom died and I did a mindful cbt group as a follow up. I also spent time on the What's Your Grief website and just recently (before leaving for NL) saw a grief counsellor here. Unfortunately I got worse rather than better over the summer and don't feel up to seeing her again. it was a grief day for me yesterday and it only happens on occasion now. I feel better today.

On a positive note I get to keep my car with just your usual brake repair stuff and will get some snow tires. Its an old car but I just love it so I'm glad I don't have to worry about a new car for awhile. Taking back to today for the break fluid line repair. and then follow up with new back breaks.

[Rosey]

Forgot to say thank you for the links, Lady in Blue. I will check into them.

[Lady in Blue]

Rosey, thank you. How reassuring and comforting for you and your dad that you found a very good nursing home that broke the isolation and provided continuity through the previous care provider visits, and that you got to see him before he died. Quality of life is so important. I'm also happy to hear you got your car back. I'm unable to drive, but from what I hear, it's very expensive to keep one.