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Stopped meds for six weeks

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    Stopped meds for six weeks

    Hi there, it's been a while since I posted. I am writing today because I think I have made some progress in EMDR therapy. I'm realizing things about the lousy thinking patterns I have developed over the years, like the victim mentality, black and white thinking, hanging on to unworthiness, and I was starting to feel like I was passed the crisis phase and was starting to be more self directed rather than emotionally directed.

    Two days ago I stopped taking Wellbutrin because I finally convinced my doc that the medication was causing incapacitating physical pain for which I had to take more and stronger painkillers and muscle relaxants on a daily basis. She told me to stop taking 200mg SR for the next six weeks at which time she would reassess my situation. I am still taking mirtazapine 30mg before bed and some clonazapam.

    Today, I am thinking dark thoughts again, but pushing them away as I can. I went to church this morning despite every bone in my body wanting to run home and cry. I did cry in church... And those who know me kept whispering that they loved me. It is a really good church where boxes of Kleenex sit next to the bibles as a matter of fact, knowing there are times when tears are the only way to express our deepest needs, and to release them to our higher power. They seem to know that Christ came for the lost and for the sick. No one who is well needs a physician.

    I have tried so many antidepressants that the doctors lift up their hands in futility. I have been writing an inventory of the progress I've made thus far; perhaps today, this is what I need to focus on. My thoughts often wander into thinking I am weak, selfish and unworthy, because my condition is a result of the choice I make. I know that this is not true anymore than someone who has diabetes. However the part of my brain that can help me discern that, is the very part of my brain that is ill. Unlike someone who had diabetes and can use their minds to make sense of and cope with their disease, the very thing that they use to cope, is the very part that is unwell in me.

    I guess I am lucky that I have a God that loves me, no matter what, that there is no pit too deep he can't pull me out of, that there is no problem, he can't solve... however there are times with depression when all coping and faith doesn't matter; but I know it does even if I don't feel it. I just wonder and fear what tests await me that I will have to overcome in the next six weeks. I don't want to go back to the daily tear filled days, when daily dark thoughts of blood shed from imaginary foes that would have me dead encumber my mind. Even though imaginary, they make my heart jump and throb!

    Thanks for listening; please take or leave the matters of faith that I share! In the end if it keeps me alive others may be grateful, even if I am not.

    #2
    Thank you for sharing that DLove4U. I can relate to your description of how the brain is affected by depression. I too have a strong faith that has seen me through many things, but a depressive episode can test it mightily. I for one am glad you are alive!
    uni

    ~ it's always worth it ~

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