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    Dysthymia? SAD?

    I have some understanding of depression and mood disorders, but am terribly confused about what my partner is going through. He is able to function well at a demanding job and he has been able to work up through the ranks as a result. He says his work takes a lot out of him and he often sleeps after work - anywhere between 2-5 hours. Typcially he doesn't eat breakfast, or lunch and has a late dinner if he eats at all (sometime after he wakes up from napping). Even then he says he's not really that hungry. He does very well in social situations but describes himself as a loner and says he would rather just spend time with me. He is so well liked among his colleagues and people I introduce him to like him too, but he will leave social get togethers saying he hates socializing, hates people, and can't wait to get home. I have seen him go from happy, animated and affectionate when the weather is good to suddenly despondent, sullen and remote when the weather turns. Clouds and rain have a particularly bad affect on him, but he has told me he plans to sleep it away. This is often how he deals with rainy weather as well. I have also seen him withdraw and become extremely moody and overwhelmed when faced with pretty minor inconveniences. This is in sharp contrast to the steady, strong person he has to be and is at work. He says his family observed that he was "moody" as a child, and his former wife left partly because of his "moodiness", but this is NOT simply moodiness. I don't have enough knowledge to say what it is - if it's depression it's not typical I don't think. I am unsure of what to say to him. He has a lot of great qualities, but it's a little like being involved with two different people and his mood can switch so quickly I never know which guy I'm going to see from one part of the day to the next. He seems so easily thrown off. I'm worried because his work may move him to the east coast (days or weeks of rain, cloud, fog, etc). I love him very much, but there are times when his mood really sets the tone for the time we spend together and honestly I'm afraid of what moving away with him and leaving my supports behind if he can't cope. I feel the first step is for me to understand. Is there some way I can find out what this is? How can I support him to work through his moods (he does try to work through them)? I want to do or say things that will help, but I have no idea what that would include. He has told me not to try to cheer him up because then he feels pressured to feel something he doesn't feel. Thanks for any advise.

    #2
    Welcome to the forum Sarah,

    Some people with depression can be high functioning. The impression that I am getting from your partner is that he has gotten good a putting on a mask or appearance. Putting on a mask when you are not well can be very energy consuming.

    His lack of appetite could be a symptom of his Dysthymia.

    If you like information about S.A.D. you should check out the web site for the Mayo clinic. There is also a great site at the University of BC with tones of information.

    As for the Seasonal Affective Disorder, I am not a doctor, but it does not sound like S.A.D. Some of us are more sensitive to changes in the weather, but for it to be a diagnosis, it would have to be disabling where he cannot function at all.
    Woody

    Comment


      #3
      Hello Sara and welcome to the forums. Unfortunatly it is sometimes very hard for even a trained doctor to diaganosis a mental illness. Also many physical illnesses will cause the same symptoms.

      The MDAO (Mood Disorders Association Of Ontario) has some good information sheets on mental illness. http://www.mooddisorders.on.ca/ and go to learn more.

      I would suggest first that you have his GP give him a complete physical and perhaps discuss his fatigue etc with the doc. Take Care, paul m
      "Alone we can do so little;
      Together we can do so much"
      Helen Keller

      Comment


        #4
        welcome to the forums Sarah...
        I agree with your mate about not trying to cheer me up when I'm down. it does feel fake.

        keep posting, there are plenty of people here that can answer your questions!

        Anne.
        Anne.

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          #5
          Welcome to the forums Sarah.
          AJ

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

          Comment


            #6
            Hi Sarah,

            I think it's great that you are trying to find information. I am sure it is no easy task for a partner to have to endure someone whos moods shift very often.

            Much of what you wrote described me prior to seeing a Psychiatrist and starting on some meds. I was great at work but was falling apart at home. Eventually the confusion followed me to work until I couldn't hold on and jumped from job to job. My moods were all over the map and extreme. Sometimes for the simplest things. I once tore off a curtain rod because my hair wouldn't style right. Is your partner seeing a psychiatrist?

            As for what to do or say. My spouse used to try to help by trying to calm me down. It didn't help. All it did was add one more element to my confused state. What ended up working was her accepting that I felt what I felt, no matter how irrational. Then, she would give me a small amount of "me" space so I could regroup and start over. The less the issue became, the easier it was for me to regain control. I know it was hard for her because she loved me and wanted to save me from the discomfort but the best way to help was to do nothing. At least, that's how it was for me and sine each person is different, its hard to say what will work.
            Wishing you well,
            Re-O

            You're not as messed up as you think people think you are

            Comment


              #7
              Welcome Sarah!
              uni

              ~ it's always worth it ~

              Comment


                #8
                Thanks for your responses. The advice not to say or do anything is good, but it's so hard sometimes. I get that it's what he needs becasue it doesn't honour his feelings for me to try to cheer him, but that is sort of my way with people so sometimes I find words of encouragement just coming out and then realize that I've messed up. I have good intentions but I'll have to try to give him credit for knowing what he needs rather than trying to be what I think he needs.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hi Sarah and welcome to the forum

                  With regards to saying positive things to a person who is feeling down, I guess it depends on how down they are feeling...If it is a minor set back, encouragement would do a person good, but depression does not always have to come from an outside source, sometimes everything in ones life can be going good, but the overwhelming sadness is unberable and the guilt associated with feeling depressed and not wanting to live when you have so much to be thankful for in your life is crippling

                  When I am not stable the major moods in my life are out of my control, there is no way to "pick myself up or give myself a shake" as some people think when they know someone is depressed. Also, I am glad that someone is there for me when I am sick, but I find people who have never experienced depression or mania, can not understand on the level that is needed to discuss the topic. Like, for example, i could not understand what a cancer patient goes through but I can listen to them, and at times the patient may need to talk to other cancer patients to feel fully understood.

                  It would be best for your husband to see a doctor, and hopefully get a diagnosis, sometimes it is something to do with our overall health that is effecting our moods, other times it can be some type of mood disorder, either way it will help him to start to feel better.
                  Take Care,
                  Karen

                  Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying...
                  "I will try again tomorrow."

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hello Sarah. I can't say what or how exactly how to help your spouse. I cannot speak for others, but I take it as part of my marriage vows to respect my wife. Part of that respect is my trying to get better from a bad illness.

                    I don't like my illness and I certainly don't like my meds, but I do like my wife and she would disappear from my life if I didn't keep trying to get better.

                    Marriage is a partnership, I really hate going to social functions too, but we set limits on when we go, how long we stay and I take along a little lorazepam(a mild sediative) and we are both happier. In order to do that I do need my wive's encouragement, support and understanding, but it is up to me to make the effort.

                    I don't think that your encouraging him is bad. In order for you two to have a long and happy life together you both must find ways to enjoy life. Take Care. paul m
                    "Alone we can do so little;
                    Together we can do so much"
                    Helen Keller

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Winter is coming…

                      We have a bit of snow. My partner has put a sign in his house that says, “Closed until spring 2011”

                      My initial reaction: cute; my second reaction: uh-oh.

                      He has already warned me he plans to avoid the bad weather by staying in bed. He’s not kidding. It’s true he likes to sleep through rain, and will happily sleep through the heat of a summer day as well, but winter is bad because ithe season lasts so long here.

                      I believe he is receiving treatment for social anxiety and possibly depression – although it is unclear to me whether he is following through with the medication as prescribed. He has told me that he’s a loner and would just like to spend time with me. But he isn’t spending time with me. Not really. Over the past two weeks I have hardly seen him. He invites me over on the weekends in the late part of the evening. I go to bed he stays up very late reading, we wake up, we’re intimate, and he tells me I have to go because he has a lot to do. I’ve explained a couple of times now that I would like to be spending more time with him – specifically more time when he’s awake, but nothing changes. He told me the last time I brought this up that he feels our relationship is superficial and that we don’t have much in common. I don’t know how to make things better when he doesn’t like social situations, doesn’t want to go out and do things, and his two most preferred activities are sleeping and reading. If I only see him late in the evening it limits what we can do. Not sounding good? I don't think so either.

                      Well this is where it gets confusing. He recently sent me this message, “I noticed you are fretting lately (about the above) so I want to make sure you know something: I love you and you are the kindest, most wonderful person I’ve met. Don’t be fretful – I really don’t have any complaints except that I miss you every time you are not beside me. And I don’t think what we have is superficial. I want to be the best boy you ever had so I fret when I think you are fretting. Let’s eliminate all that, ok?” What’s that? Oh that would be the sound of my heart melting right now.

                      So he loves me and I love him in spades, clubs, hearts and diamonds.

                      And he misses me, but needs lots of space. LOTS.

                      And he’s going to be less physically and emotionally available over the next few months.

                      And if I want to be with him...then…what?

                      Do I accommodate him because this is clearly the way things are going to be if we’re together? Do I ignore that while my need for love is being met, my need for companionship is not? His behaviours are somewhat – I’m not sure how to describe them – rigid, perhaps? I imagine that when one person has depression that the intensity of their feelings may mean that their needs take precedence over the needs of the other person. I certainly don’t find there to be a healthy balance here. I don’t mean to sound like a temper tantrumming little girl, but what about me? I do a lot to try to make things special and romantic. I don’t expect those efforts returned because doing that is just something I like to do. Yet at the same time I don’t want to have to beg for my partner to spend time with me. I know he loves me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am lonely.

                      I know relationships can be hard, but realistically we have only been together a year. Should they be this hard?

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Hello Sarah. If I was Ann Landers I would just tell you to re-read your last post, specifically the parts where he sez "he feels our relationship is superficial and that we don’t have much in common" and the part where you say "He invites me over on the weekends in the late part of the evening. I go to bed he stays up very late reading, we wake up, we’re intimate, and he tells me I have to go because he has a lot to do."

                        You may love him to death and that is fine. He is making it plain that he doesn't want to change and that is his right too. Emails do not make a relationship, illness does not stop a relationship. Unhappiness and a lack of meaningful communication will stop a relationship dead in it's tracks.

                        Ask yourself something, what happens to your relationship if you become ill and you cannot be intimate for 6 mths or so. Cancer, a difficult pregnancy and a host of other things could easily put intimaticy on hold for 6 mths. I wish you luck with your decison as I am sure it is a difficult one for you. Take Care. paul m
                        "Alone we can do so little;
                        Together we can do so much"
                        Helen Keller

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Sarah, glad you found this forum. I see that you seem loving and caring. Your partner is described as cold, distant and selfish. I think you may deserve better.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Hi Sarah and welcome to the forum.

                            He needs to get some help for himself. It is NOT up to you to fix him, if you think you can you will be disappointed.
                            If you said he was trying to get better or understand what he himself is going through, it might be different. But he is the one who sounds shallow.

                            You have to decide if you can live with the way he treats you (it doesn't sound like he is willing to make a change), and I agree with the others that you deserve better.
                            Stormy

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