been a long time

[saweeet]

It's been a while since I've been on here. Not sure if it's because I've been ok or just busy.
Life is busy as usual. I have acquired a new program, even though the one I've been dealing with is crazy enough.
I went back on my medication 3 days ago. And I know I should stay on it all the time but I find no matter what they give me after 2 weeks I am worse than I was before and I can't think clearly. So I go off them and I seem fine for a couple months. I know I need to give them more time but with the work I do. I need to be able to think clearly all of the time because u never know what is going to occur.
I don't even know what's really the problem. At this point in my life everything is good. I am 3 months away from the bankruptcy on my credit report to disappear. I am moving at the end of the month into a house that I am working on purchasing (my uncle is helping me so it's pretty much a done deal)
I choose to move because as much as I enjoy living with my roommate. The weed smoking is no longer something I want to take part in and living with him I can't say no. I find that things r clearer when I'm not smoking. And I've learned this over the last six months as I have been traveling a lot and not doing it for weeks at a time.
But I'm up and down again. Manic isn't as bad as the depression. It's eating me up inside. Nothing makes me happy right now. I want to sleep all day. And it's hard to go to work and actually do anything.
Everyone says it's just the stress and yes there has been some stress.
I had one of my longest employees give me 10 days notice before she quit on me. And an employee that was unhappy about the way the system is. Walked out on me a day before my other employees last day. So I am currently down 3 staff with 3 programs to run.
I met a man a year ago and in the last little but I have realized that I have wasted a year on someone who has a problem with the distance (live 4 hrs away) and refuses to consider moving. I make a large amount of money working where I am because of how long I have been here and my position. And I've looked into it, I would lose at least 30000 a year by moving. So now I need to find a way to end things and really don't want to. But if I'm wasting my time here I may as well focus my attention else where.
Which is why I am now buying a house. I was given the opportunity for some help and decided I may as well own then rent.
For me this is all a bit to much for me. Which could be why the depression is back. I don't know. I like to figure out why when there might not even be a way. The suicidal thought are back. I think about it all the time. I have seen my councilor and will go back again if I feel worse. I just don't understand why and I'm so frustrated that it makes me want to stay in bed even more.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I'm just in bed thinking about how I hate my life and I'm not happy and I don't know why. Thinking about life being so hard right now and I just need a break. And it never happens. Feeling like it's to much and I just don't wanna deal with it anymore. And sad. And I'm not dealing with sad very well right now.
Don't know how I'm going to spend 22 hrs at work tomorrow when I don't want to leave my bed.

[AJ]

Hi Saweet! Thanks for the update. I wouldn't want your job! Give yourself credit for getting up in the morning and going to work. It sounds like you have a very stressful job.

I'm sorry to hear that life is so hard right now. You have a lot on your plate.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense.

Yes it does!

[saweeet]

I feel like I'm get worse. 2pm today was when I got up and all I'm thinking about is the 50 T3s I have and how I can't. Do any of this anymore.

[AJ]

Do you think it's time to go to the hospital or call a friend?

[saweeet]

My mom and friend know I'm not doing well. Friends things the stress is bring it on. They just don't know about the suicidal thoughts. I don't want to freak them all out. I got someone to come intl today to work at 8pm so I can at least go home and maybe sleep some more. I'm at my new house cleaning and waiting for my mom to show back up.
Honestly going to the hospital here is a joke and so is mental health as I have used them before and they just send you home cause they don't wanna deal with anything. I work with people who have mental illness and I have to transport them to the city because no one will help them here.
Mental health won't help me because I can function most of the time quite well and because it's hard for me to get everything out sometimes. There is a huge negative view of mental illness here. And I hate being look at like I'm crazy.
And I feel like I can control it but I can't because I feel like I'm being pulled down into a black hole when it gets bad.

[AJ]

I consider myself very fortunate to live in a city with a lot of good resources.

[uni]

It's nice to hear from you saweeet, but I'm sorry to find out you're feeling so badly

Please remember that T3's or any other method of ending it all is not the answer. You've been through so much in the past, you can get through this too, you really can. Do you remember the things that worked for you when you were having tough times before? If they helped then, they may be worth trying now. In my own case, sometimes I refer to old posts of mine as reminders of what I did to survive awful times. Just putting it out there as a suggestion.

[saweeet]

I know. It's how I feel. I always think about doing it. Not taking pills but other ways. I got use to it. This time I feel like I really want to. I'm so frustrated over this black hole. I have done every I usually do and this time I'm not able to get up and keep going. I feel lazy, I feel unmotivated. I feel like I'm not in control of anything right now. And I can't be like that. I know I'm not unhappy. I may not extremely happy but life is good. I've got it better than most and opportunities that others don't have. I just need the walls to stop moving towards me. I never really hated being bi polar but today I really do.
I feel like I'm complaining and like a poor me thing. I'm hoping tomorrow wasn't like today. I need to get out of bed regardless if I can or not.

[uni]

Saweeet, did yesterday go better, as you hoped it would?

[Lizzy]

Hi Saweet. Your feelings sound pretty valid in regards to your work and exhaustion. I hope you can give yourself some slack and don't berate yourself.

[saweeet]

Not really. Things r still the same. Kinda lost my mind on everyone the other say. Then crashed hard and now I'm very ill. Was able to stay home yesterday and should have today but don't have anyone to work so I'm working right now.
Half my interviews didn't show up and the ones I did interview I don't really wanna hire then but being down as many staff as I am. I have to consider putting in people I don't think will work out or that will cause me problems in the end. So it's a catch 22. 4 hrs left of work. Most of which is driving.

[saweeet]

So i was told that one of my report stated that they thought I had border line personality disorder.....
Kinda sucks, wanna say that the Dr. has no idea what he is talking about and that I am not like that all. And then i read more into and it really makes me wondering, there are a huge amount of things that i researched that is exactly what I do.
So I went back on my medication... not that I want to but maybe i need to face reality and accept that as hard as I try I can't make any of it go away.
I hired a pyscologist the other day. And will begin talking with her on Tuesday. Not sure how much it will help, but maybe if i just sit there and explain my life and how things are and how i really feel and what goes in my head.
My thoughts of sucided are like way to much right now. Its so hard to explain. I don't beleive that I will do it, im condifent that I won't, i could never hurt the people in my life that much. I just get this feel of being sofocated and then my mind goes straight to something like that. Like its the only option. And not just the thought. But actually planning it out, playing it out in my head and almost waiting for something (a feel or something), and if I don't feel it, then I switch how i do it, and play that out.
Stopped sleeping, had to get sleeping pills, even with it, i don't sleep much because its late before I take them.
I almost told my friend whats been going on in my head lately, she is aware I'm not happy, that some of the changes in my life are causing me stress, as well as work, and that I don't feel exactly right. I think she calls me all the time to ensure i'm ok. And I love her for it, because I think I'm causing her a huge amount of stress. And she won't admitt it. And because of that reason, i choose not to say anything, because I don't need her up all night, worrying i'm going to do something to myself or whatever else.
The wanting to stay in bed 24/7 has left, which concerns me, because I do have some sort of a pattern, huge depression, then no sleeping and then anything can happen after that. Being in the Mental Health field, doesn't benifit me when I live with it every day, because I analayz everything I do and say, which probably causes a lot of the stress as well.
I serious would like to think all the Dr. are wrong, and i'm just a drama queen. And just think i'm wide awake rambling because I'm bored, where as I use this to vent the things in my head. regardless if they make sense or not. regardless if I will feel judged once its read.
Thanks for reading...

[Determined]

No judgement here saweet. Just understanding and hope that you will begin to experience some relief soon. Good job on fighting back so valiantly. It's not an easy thing to do.

[AJ]

Feel free to share whatever you're comfortable sharing Saweet. I like to 'meet' people exactly where they are and not where they pretend to be. No judgement here either. I hope you're feeling better soon.

[paul m]

Hello Saweeet. I can't say whether you have borderline personality disorder(BPD) or not. I'm finding that a lot of docs label people who have bipolar with BPD as well.

When i'm real manic and/or have a bad case of mixed states it is almost impossible to tell whether I have BPD or BP. The only way to tell is to do an in depth examination when I'm not manic and suffering from mixed states, then it's easy to tell that I don't have BPD.

Unfortunately some doctors tend to make a diagnosis and then never come back to check to see if they were right.

I'm not medically educated, but I am involved in several mental health groups and the number of people who have been wrongly diagnosed with BPD is staggering. Take Care. paul m