How do you cope with the loneliness

[Hope307]

I'm single and find myself very socially isolated after what's usually months of not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. I feel like if I only had someone to do something with or talk to it would help pull me out of the depression. It's like I don't have the energy to do it alone. I'm not looking for someone to fix me, just give me a helping hand, the same as when you have a physical job to do and someone helps it makes it so much easier. In my small town there are limited things to do. When I do go somewhere alone I see everyone else with friends laughing and talking and having a good time which makes me feel more alone and depressed. I never get invited to be included, probably because I am so glum. I have no family. I don't have anyone close enough to share what is wrong with me. I try to take small steps like taking my dog to the park to give me opportunity to talk to others but it is only superficial and the deep loneliness is so overwhelming it makes me feel even more depressed.

[Determined]

Welcome Hope. Depression and loneliness go hand in hand. They are a double edged sword and feed off of one another. Coming to the forum is a good place to start. What you are feeling and experiencing is common to those challenged by mood disorders and it is understood that even the simplest of interactions with others can be a monumental task. I know it was for me. Moving to a new city many years ago was not easy but I found that the work place was a good place to begin socializing and branching out. In all the places I worked I would make myself participate in any workplace functions whether it was picnics, golf, going for beverages, volunteering for special task groups, etc. As much as it caused me some discomfort and anxiety getting out there it ultimately benefited me. Over the years I have made some very good friends. Sometimes they come and go but that's to be expected.

I also got myself involved in various sports that interested me. Softball was a great one for me. Not too demanding. Eventually at the suggestion of family members (who lived far from me) I began attending church services where I met some wonderful people, some who have become very dear friends to me to this day. I know it's not easy putting yourself out there Hope but it sounds like you are already making an effort. The fact that you suffer from depression isn't enough to scare people away nor is it anything to be ashamed of. I have found that there are many people sympathetic and understanding to our plight and chances are everyone knows at least one person who is challenged by a mood disorder. Don't sell yourself short Hope. If I have learned anything about mood disorders it's that the people who live with them day to day are among the finest people I have ever met. Caring, compassionate, non-judgemental, and quick to assist are among the many qualities I would attribute to them.

I don't know how old you are or how long you have had this struggle but continue to take the small steps and it will get easier. I hope you will continue to come back to the forum and share how you are doing. There is a lot of years of combined experience here and I know for myself the people here have played a huge role in improving my overall well being.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums Hope.

Most of the friends I have I met through other people. One of my friends has a wide circle of friends. I have made friends through her. I have also made friends at the dog park. The other place I've made friends is volunteering. I have two close friends that I'd call in a crisis. The rest are friends that I do things with, but they're not what I consider close friends.

[Hope307]

I think I am just feeling too low for any of those ideas. I'm so groggy on my meds I have a hard time following the conversation or contributing, don't even want to drive while on them. I've backed out of all the things I used to volunteer in because of the fatigue, not enjoying, grogginess etc. I felt I wasn't able to fulfill my commitment in the volunteer roles. I've been off work for many months and not one person has called me even to invite me to staff social events. When I do go out I find it difficult to talk to people because I have become so withdrawn from not enjoying things that I have nothing to contribute to a conversation- haven't been anywhere, haven't done anything. it is a monumental task just taking to someone.
Is the cognitive decline from the illness or from the drugs? I find my memory so trying. Once a co-worker asked me where my son was going camping and I couldn't come up with a reply. yesterday I couldn't think of the title of the position of my teammate at work. I just have these blank moments. Since I don't do any of the things I used to enjoy I think the most excitement I have in a day is watching my fish! Really, it is relaxing, doesn't take any physical or mental effort even while watching them I can zone out. Now if I met you in a social situation and told you the only thing I have done this week is shower some days, dress most days, got the dishes in the dishwasher once or twice and watched me fish daily I bet you'd be running in the opposite direction pretty quick.
It would be a goal to feel good enough to try any of those suggestions. Right now I am just feeling "nothing". Days pass when I am alone all day and I just look at the clock and watch the minutes until I feel it is ok to go to sleep without sleeping too much.

[paul m]

Hello Hope307 and welcome to the forum. Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions and/or use the forum to vent out some of life's problems.

In regards to your loneliness. You said "Now if I met you in a social situation and told you the only thing I have done this week is shower some days, dress most days, got the dishes in the dishwasher once or twice and watched me fish daily I bet you'd be running in the opposite direction pretty quick"

I agree that would be a conversation stopper with most people, but if you were to meet some from this forum you would lose that bet. I've gone a lot longer than a week without showering or doing dishes or doing much of anything except lay around. Not that I'm proud of that, I'm just trying to point out that many of us understand.

. As you age, it is normal for your memory to play tricks on you. I can't believe how often I forget someones name etc. If my wife , who is the same age as I and doesn't take any meds, didn't have the same problems I would think that I was losing my mind at times.

In regards to not hearing from fellow workers, that too is common, not nice , but common. People don't seem to know how to handle a mental illness. My one son was in the hospital for about a week for an appendix removal that went wrong. He was showered with cards and get well wishes from his aunt's, uncles, many cousins and friends. His brother was in the hospital for 6 wks because of bipolar and never heard a word or got a card from anyone. Once again, not fair, but those same relatives and friends weren't bad people, they just didn't know how to deal with someone with a mental illness.

In regards on how to get better. I can't tell you that. I can tell you that for me it was a series of very small steps. At one time even my wife wasn't speaking to me for several mths and we were in the same house. I still don't have a lot of friends, but I do have a lot of acquaintances that I interact with.

You are right, not too many people want to hear about your problems with depression, so I made it a habit of not talking about my mental problems unless directly asked. That was a start. Secondly I live in a small rural community and my behaviour at one point was decidedly anti social at one time because of my having bipolar. So there are some people who remember my past behaviours and are never going to forgive or forget. I can't change that so I started saying hello to just about everyone I saw or at least nodding a passing hello. Some react badly, but many smiled and said hello back.

I post on several forums and over the years have made many friends there, not immediately, but over time. Sounds simple, but just doing the little of what I have said took a lot of effort, but it was worth it.

If your meds are causing you to feel nothing, talk to your doctor about it. They may be able to change the dose or the med.I don't know what meds you take but Seroquel always made me feel level, that is neither high nor low. It didn't make me feel human. It took away all feelings. I needed it for a while, (and still do on occasion) but once I had gained a bit of strength and my mind had leveled out I got the doctor to take me off of it and change to something else. It made a big difference.

Finally, try to remember the following two things. You didn't get sick in a day and you are not going to get better in a day. Secondly, you are a good person with a bad illness, not a bad person with good excuses. There is a difference.

You are not alone in your struggles and I hope that you will not give up. Life can become good again. I can't say that I'm well, but I do enjoy life again. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Hello and welcome, Hope307.

Thanks for sharing about your situation. From what you've written regarding grogginess, cognitive decline, memory issues and feeling "nothing", I can't help but wonder if the medication you're taking may need adjusting. Perhaps it's worth a chat with your doctor? Just a thought.

I know it's extra hard to try and interact with people when you feel the way you do. I think that by coming here you've made a start in reaching out and getting to know people. Virtual relationships are good conversation practice at the very least. I know I gained a lot of confidence posting on here when I really didn't feel safe with actual face-to-face interaction.

I look forward to reading more of your posts, and please know you are among friends!

[Hope307]

I wonder also how much of my symptoms is the meds and how much is the depression since I feel worse in some respects after being on the meds. I don't know how many appointments I've been to over the last 8 months of being on current meds and my pdr still doesn't hear what I am saying. He didn't listen until I went in at end of Sept and said over the summer I played around with my dosage and feel much better on a higher dose of Effexor. Well he finally listened then, but I still think there is room for improvement. Some days I can sit here all day and not remember that I should be doing anything, let alone remember what it is. Its not like a normal forgetfulness that everybody has but days could go by and I don't even think about what I should be doing, but at the same time I don't really know what to do with myself to pass time. Even if I write it down I don't know to look at my list. I can't do anything cognitive because my problem solving skills are gone. I can't even make a list of errands to do in town because I can only focus on one thing at a time. If I have to go to the bank I can't make a grocery list too. First I have to get the bank done then I can think of my grocery list. Multi tasking is impossible. I used to do some work outside of my day job but now I have to hire it all out because I can't problem solve my way through any tasks. My next appt is not until mid Dec. That's a long time to wait when you can't think of what to do to pass your time!

[paul m]

Hello Hope 307. Finding the right combinations of medication s can be difficult, especially if the
doctor is uncooperative. I have a rule of thumb nowadays, if I don't feel better in 3-4 mths I can get a little demanding of my pdoc. One always has to be careful just how demanding we get, because pdocs are in short supply.

Sometimes if you can fill out a daily mood chart and then show it to the doctor it gives the doctor a better idea of how you are feeling over a period of time. I've listed a couple that you can access by internet, the first one is very simple, the second one you might have to change a category to make it fit. Or your doc may have one. You can also use on line mood charts and you can also google to see what is available. Take Care. paul m

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/MoodChartforDepressionandhowtomonitoryourprogress.pdf

http://www.cqaimh.org/pdf/tool_edu_moodchart.pdf

[Hope307]

Thank you for your helpful comments. I am fairly new to this dx. My psychotherapist has me filling out a chart almost the same as the second one. I just seem to sit at the bottom 2 squares for depressed for months. I feel flat -no up or down. Have felt this way for about 9 or 10 months. Am I being too hard on myself by keeping myself at the bottom or not recognizing that I am feeling better? Am I filling the chart out right? It is like I feel that a chunk of the last 9 or 10 months has been taken out of my life while there is next to no improvement in my depression. it is good to have a rule of thumb, even though 3-4 months seems like a long time

[paul m]

Hello Hope307. There is no absolutely correct way to fill out mood charts.Try discussing with your psychotherapist. Unfortunately, for some 8-9 mths is not a long time. As I mentioned I refuse to take continue with the same medications(or at least the same amounts) if I don't start to feel better in 3-4 mths. Unfortunately sometimes it's very hard to convince doctors to change the prescribed medication.

Many medications do make you feel like a zombie for mths on end. Sometimes that is neccessary to give our brains a rest for a while, however, after 3-4 mths sometimes a cut back in that medication is ok as we have recovered enough to handle things with only a half a dose etc. Plus every med affect each person in a different way.

Using myself as an example, risperadal a powerful antipsytotic, has little effect on me. I may as well be eating candy. Seroquel, another antipyschotic can leave me wandering around like a zombie at 400mg and yet I know other people who take 800mg just to function normally.

I do take seroquel occasionally, as it always ends whatever mood I'm in, but then I have no feeling what so ever. If one of my doctors had his way, I would still be on 400-600 mg of seroquel(and having no life). However I find that with the right doctor, I'm able to reduce the amount of seroquel I take and substitute other meds that have smaller side effects. I do all of this under a doctors supervision.

While you are at it, you may try inquiring around to see if there are any wrap program in your area(Wellness Recovery Action Plan) or CBT or DBT. These are course that are all designed to help you live better without as many meds. Sometimes they are dificult to find, but try various local mental health agencies in your area. Take Care. paul m