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I'm his personal hell, to everyone else

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    I'm his personal hell, to everyone else

    I know it is possible, that couples stay together even with one fighting a mental illness. But what are the odds? I just found out my husband whom I thought was coming around and starting to understand and support me, refers to me as his personal hell to everyone else. I don't see it as a loving pet name to be honest, and I'm sure it isn't. When is it that you say enough. When it's time for the mentally ill to let go and let them live a normal life instead of having them think they are heading back to hell when they come home from work...? I think at this point maybe he's being as supportive as he can for our two children. I'm also worried that he isn't leaving me for he may be scared i'll commit suicide if my life changes too drastically like that... anyone have any insight on similar situations... I know bipolar has claimed many relationships.... and I know it's just as difficult for the spouse if not more... to be the caregiver.... I just don't know what to think anymore... and i'm sure you all know how horrible that can feel inside your brain as every option rolls around in there and all emotions get all tangled and you imagine the end of the world just because, that's how i am programed. Thank you.

    #2
    I'm not sure what to say except I'm sorry you have to go through this.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      Hello JGCR. I can sympathize with you and understand your feelings.

      One part of what you said really caught my eye:

      " When is it that you say enough. When it's time for the mentally ill to let go and let them live a normal life instead of having them think they are heading back to hell when they come home from work...?"

      I thought that too. I even attempted suicide because I thought my wife and young kids would be better off without me. My wife and I did have several separations and I know that at least some of the things my wife said about me were pretty derogatory.

      Fast forward 10-15 yrs and I now know the following. The derogatory remarks that my wife used were partly due to her going through hell and her being really frustrated. I had a doctor(s), a peer support group, eventually a forum to vent on, all of whom respected my privacy and I could vent without the world knowing, plus I had some support and encouragement. My wife had well meaning friends and relatives who really didn't understand , so they tended to give lousy advice. Also they didn't tend to keep it too confidential, sometimes they even embellished or exaggerated what my wife had told them, while relaying the stories to others.

      Some of her remarks were made in anger. Normally, she is a very calm and understanding person,but at times when my illness got out of control I would drive her beyond reason.

      What your husband is saying (or you think he is saying to everyone) is not nice, but it also does not mean that he wants to separate or that he doesn't love you. To be honest, his life is probably a little hellish right now. (and that is not a criticism). My wife's best friend died very slowly of cancer at age 55, she had, had cancer for 10 solid yrs and it finally claimed her a few yrs ago. Her husband describes those 10 yrs as the worst 10 yrs he ever went through, but that he would still be willing to go through more if he could have his wife back.

      Finally, if I had been successful with my suicide attempt many yrs ago, I wouldn't have been able to attend our first grandchild's baptism just this past Sunday. Both of my son's, my son's spouse and my wife all seemed happy that I was there. I was definitely happy to be there.

      So while bipolar does cause some people to get divorced, it doesn't cause everyone to get divorced. (the divorce rate is around 50% for everybody anyway, it's slightly higher for those with a mental illness, but not that much higher)

      I can't say whether your marriage will last or not, but all you can do is hope for the best. Bipolar does tend to make us think the worse. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m
      Last edited by paul m; March 23, 2015, 09:27 PM.
      "Alone we can do so little;
      Together we can do so much"
      Helen Keller

      Comment


        #4
        Well as it stands from this morning, hubby asked for a divorce, said he had enough... to be honest, if I were him, I wouldn't want to be married to me either... it's just too much to deal with, so i guess I don't blame him. We'll see what actually comes of this as the situation is very complicated if we go that route... ugh... but what's living with a mental illness, trying to get better and trying to find a treatment that works without a massave amount of stress on top right? Sure doesn't help the depressive episodes.... this is definitely identified as a trigger, big trigger. And I see my Pdoc tonight... I'm so lost now... like I wasn't before sorry thanks for letting me vent... at least, i'm not the one who abandonned... not yet... but I may have too many fights to fight now...
        Last edited by jgcr; March 31, 2015, 03:05 PM.

        Comment


          #5
          Jgcr I'm so sorry to hear about your husband asking for a divorce.
          AJ

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

          Comment


            #6
            Hello Jgcr. Sorry to hear about your divorce. This may seem like a callous thing to say at a time like this, but make sure that you don't let your guilt about having a mental illness get in the way of getting a proper settlement out of your divorce proceedings.

            I've seen too many people who felt that the divorce was their fault because they had a mental illness. Having a mental illness is no more a reason to leave a spouse than having cancer is. Although you may be blamed for the breakup, or your illness may be blamed, if you had cancer it would be your husband that would be vilified if he left you during your cancer treatments.

            So whether it's a mental or physical illness, a person should not feel guilty and they should be very careful about what they sign. Good Luck with everything and Take Care. paul m
            "Alone we can do so little;
            Together we can do so much"
            Helen Keller

            Comment


              #7
              So sorry to hear this jgcr. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

              Comment


                #8
                hugs to you and yes listen to Paul M about your rights and not sign anything. get a family lawyer now contact legal aid if need be, remember it was in sickness and in health and divorce is really nasty and people take advantage in regards to money. I've been there in all ways and yes the daily stress of feeling alone in a marriage is way worse, now you can focus on doing things to get stronger and able to cope.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hello jgcr . I'm sorry to hear that your husband has said he wants a divorce. I hope you are able to get extra support right now. You mentioned an appointment with your Pdoc; how did it go?
                  uni

                  ~ it's always worth it ~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    What great advice uni!!

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