A light at the end of the tunnel

[Pinkviolet]

Hello everyone,

This morning I was reading posts from Psych Central and WOW how I could relate to one thread that simply said:

Positive Things you have done today?

I realized that I was not the only one struggling with everyday chores, not taking a shower, staying in my pijamas, even getting out of my apt etc. And it just hit me that it was all part of the bipolar disorder.

That it had nothing to do with me, that I was not a weirdo, that I could now identify with people and realize that I was not lazy or a procrastinator. That I have been punishing myself for years for nothing.

How AMAZING to know you are not the only one. How amazing to know why I did not identify with my AA group and how much struggle it was to attend regular meetings.

Looking back I am amazed at everything I was able to accomplish with my disorder throughout my life. Especially since I did not have an easy one, quite a bit traumatic and that has made me live in constant fear all the time.

I was:

-***ually abused by my father
-***ually attacked in a women's public washrooms by a stranger
-raped at gun point by a stranger
-attacked 2 years ago on my own street close to where I live.

No wonder I am single? I have a fear of men and do not trust them. No wonder I struggle to go and get down in that closed space in my building to do my laundry. I mostly wash my clothes by hand. I basically just go down for my bedsheets, blankets, and towels.
No wonder I am afraid to walk on the street, always looking behind me and at night I just don't go out when it's dark as I have no vehicle. Fear of public washrooms, at restaurants, in buildings etc.

I have basically lived in fear most of my life and I am bipolar...mix that together and you get a woman that pretty much isolates herself and struggles with getting out of her apt for a walk, attending groups, doing normal everyday chores.

I am this morning amazed how much I did in my life even with the fear and disorder. I always taught I was weak but I find now that little Sylvie had a lot of courage and still has a lot of courage to continue on.

[AJ]

Pinkviolet you have been through some horrible traumatic events in your life, some of which I can relate to. I think you are courageous woman who chooses every day to carry on.

I found therapy of great benefit but it took me years to be ready to do so.

Even after years of no more traumatic events in my life I am still hypervigilant.

[uni]

Hello Sylvie and Hello AJ I'm so sorry that you've both had to go through such traumatic experiences. I think you both are truly amazing human beings. Abuse and trauma are so often terribly hard to overcome. The fact that you have survived and not only that, want to make life better, is a testament to your strength. Whether it's trauma, or bipolar, or alcohol, or whatever else has been part of your lives, you have survived

I take courage from your courage.

[Pinkviolet]

Thank you Uni and AJ that is sweet of you to say. I take my strenght from knowing I am not the only one.

Enjoy your day today.

Sylvie