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    Hi everyone. Sorry for not checking in more often these past few months. I have realized lately that I used to be an interesting human being who used to have fun. I think, no, I know, that meds (lithium) are taking away my motivation and interest in everything I used to like. I used to run, now I barely walk; I used to paint, now I look at my paint brushes; I used to sing, now I listen to others sing; I used to love cooking and entertaining, now I see it as work. I don't talk or call anyone. But no one calls me either. It's as if I was on a perpetual pause button. I hate it. I am tired of waiting for life to happen. I want my life back. I want to have fun again. When I talk about it to my psychiatrist, he wants to up my meds or try something new and more potent. Well I say no. I have tried everything and I have had all of the side effects I can tolerate. Anyone else feel that way? Please let me know if I am imagining this.
    Bibiane

    #2
    Hi Bibiane. It's good to hear from you!

    I'm pretty sure you aren't "imagining this". You feel how you feel, and it is real. Whatever the cause (it could be any number of things), I've experienced the feelings you describe too. It's usually the depression talking. The pause button that doesn't want to lift. The things you normally enjoy just not of interest. I hear you.

    It sounds like you've made up your mind not to go through the process of changing medication, or the lithium dosage. I was on lithium for a couple of years or so, and it did help, but of course we are each a little different. I recall having my lithium levels tested on a regular basis, I think it was once a month. Has your doctor set up testing for you?

    I can't remember whether or not you've looked into cognitive or cognitive/behavioural therapy in the past. It can do wonders at times, if your brain cells are up to it.

    Another thing that's easy to overlook is having a physical examination. Sometimes the cause of depression is caused by something that shows up that way.

    Can you remember what may have helped you in the past? Sometimes thinking back can be enlightening.

    Yes, you can get your life back, you can have fun again. I say that not to sound trite, but because it has happened to me, a number of times. It can take longer than you hope it will, and try your patience mightily, that's for sure. The only way I've found is to look at small pieces, and do one very small thing for starters. Something as small as taking a shower. Something as small as writing one paragraph. Or making one brush stroke. Small things are huge - an oxymoron, but true when you are on pause.

    When I had to study for exams or write an essay, what got me started was to think of this phrase I came across in a book: "The first five minutes are the worst". I still use it at times. Sometimes I cut it back to "the first minute or two are the worst". It works for me. It may or may not work for you, I don't know.

    For all I know, you may have tried these things already. It may be the lithium, or it may be depression. If you've been seeing your psychiatrist for a long time, and you feeling he isn't able to help, then there's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion. Not all of them look at things the same way.
    uni

    ~ it's always worth it ~

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      #3
      Hi Uni. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Everything you say makes so much sense. And yes I did try most of it and it usually ends up working but this time is different somehow. My brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate. I'm stuck. Can't move forward...
      My lithium levels are fine according to regular blood work. And I have a new psychiatrist who cares and helps a lot usually but I think this time he feels overwhelmed as well. I went back to therapy last week... not sure about that... but I promised my doctor I would give it a try so I will. I hope it does because I am tired of feeling angry at the world. It is not who I am and definitely not who I want to be. I am seriously considering leaving my family to be on my own because right now I am making everyone 's lives unbearable.
      Again, Uni, thank you for your support.
      Bibiane

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        #4
        Hi Bibaine,

        Your first post closes with "Please let me know if I am imagining this". Now you are pondering if you're making everyone's life unbearable. It would be my opinion that you are imagining this, but we all have common experience here and I know that feeling can be all too real.

        I think in view of these feelings, you should be quite cautious of altering your medication routine right now. It may be time for changes, but abandoning medication would be risky.

        Now, coming from me, that would appear to be contradictory advice as I chose some years back to stop taking antidepressants for much the same reason you described. The mere fact that I am still here points to success and I am certainly happy to be free of the side effects, but my decision was and remains risky. One of the signs of depression is suicidal thoughts and believe me, they do not go away. For myself, I have had success with CBT in keeping myself from acting on these impulses, but there always is that small chance that one day the black dogs will win.

        I think that there is no such thing as an absolute guarantee that anyone will not or cannot succumb to depression, but it is a risk we all face. How we manage that risk is what becomes important.

        One consideration must be the effect of both the illness and the medication on our individual physiology. In my case, I am diabetic and my blood sugars have been difficult to control. A recent routine visit to the doctor had me seeing other than my regular physician and it produced an unexpected, but insightful observation. This doctor, knowing little of me personally, was quite inquisitive about the usual suspects of diet and exercise. I assured him that there were no great variables in my routine that would explain my erratic blood sugar readings although I must admit to could be doing a better job at it. He then asked about my mood which is usually lousy. This can be a trigger for increased blood sugar levels through various mechanisms and I don't think he is wrong. Of course, he wants to put me on antidepressants, which I resist largely due to past we with indeed side effects. It all becomes a difficult balance with very individual effects. There certainly is no one size fits all remedy.

        I hope this may be of some help and take care. I'm sure your loved ones still want you to stick around!

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          #5
          Thank you. It helps to know you are not alone with your feelings.
          Bibiane

          Comment


            #6
            Hello Bibaine. Sorry to her that you are having such a rough time. I can't say much that others haven't said already. But you are definitely not alone in your feelings. Take Care. paul m
            "Alone we can do so little;
            Together we can do so much"
            Helen Keller

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              #7
              for you today, bibiane
              uni

              ~ it's always worth it ~

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