New Lifestyle change

[saweeet]

So I'm diving into a whole new life style change.

With the change of medications, i feel so much more stable and energetic. I've spent the last three days working out, and taking my dog for long walks.

I have a long way to go, but at least I've started. I'm stilling having a hard time getting to any NA, and GA meetings. Just due to my work schedule as well as it takes me an hour to get to one close.

I find i have goals now. And those help me to keep motivated. Up until a couple months ago, just do to my manic attacks, and the depression, i felt like there was nothing to live for. A lot of that had to do with my brother-in-law dying, and the feels that surround that. And watching what it has done to both my sister and her husband.

I feel like i should be able to control whats going on around me, and i can't. And because of that, i find it stresses me out and i go back to doing things like drugs or gambling.

The gambling I've been able to control to a point. One reason is i don't have the money, and two i have gotten my boyfriend to help me. In making a budget, then he will take my bank card, and give me extra if i need it for important things. Right now I'm trying to save for a house, so gambling really needs to be controlled.

With the drugs, I'm having a harder time control that issue. It doesn't help when everyone i know does it as well. But for me to continue on this path, i need to put my foot down and walk away from what isn't healthy for my life.

I would like to thank everyone on here. Being able to post things and talk about our illness, helps me to understand that I'm not the only one. And as hard as it feel some days, i can get threw it, and i can live the life i want

[Atlantis]

So I'm diving into a whole new life style change.

I think I'll dive in too! Sounds like a great idea

I haven't gambled in several weeks now, don't want to count the exact days, its too stressful and my memories are too jumbled up now to remember but i know it's been the longest time I haven't gambled in ages.

I had my first day back to work today too, I was a little nervous, my moods were still a little off but overall everything went good.

TTYL,

[saweeet]

Thats good to hear. Working is my driving force that keeps me going.

If you ever wanna talk let me know.

[Sweetest1]

Today is my one year anniversary of being off work.

It's kind of surreal. I really miss the job, but not the stress.

Rebecca

[saweeet]

My job is very stressful, but mainly mentally stressful. As much as i know the stress isn't good for me, its what keeps me going.

jackie

[Sweetest1]

I haven't mentioned on here, because I don't want to trigger people, but I'm a supervisor for the vault team for a casino.

So I just mean I don't want to talk about the job much b/c of obvious reasons of not wanting to be descriptive about machines and casino floors.

It's really stressful to be responsible for moving and processing those kinds of amounts of money, though.

Rebecca

[uni]

I does sound stressful and like a lot of responsibility Sweetest1.

[Atlantis]

I haven't mentioned on here, because I don't want to trigger people, but I'm a supervisor for the vault team for a casino.
Rebecca

You are very thoughtful Rebecca

I would not be able to handle the stress that I am sure comes along with that type of job, i can barely handle the stress of managing my Tim Hortons coffee money for the week

[saweeet]

I use to work in a casino, not in the vault, but cashier in slots. Lots of money going in and out. It was crazy.

I work with disabled individuals now, just as stressful, cause i deal with peoples lives all day. And its hard when i'm not doing well cause they can see it and sense it. It makes for a even worse day, cause i find it causes lots of stress on them, so ill see an increase in behaviors. Not that they are doing it on purpose, but i've worked with most of them for almost 3 years, some i've worked with before so i've known them for 6 years. And i am different then i was back then.

But with this life style change i can include one of my main clients, cause he's very high functioning, so us going to the gym, is a good thing. And once the weather starts getting nice, we will be walking to the gym. When i first came back that's all we did was walk. So i see no excuse for doing it again. And really to walk across town only takes maybe an hour at most. And it helps me me cause it gets me into a better mood, and keeps me healthy, and helps him to learn structure and a healthy lifestyle.

[saweeet]

so i had an appointment to see an addiction counselor today. And as much as i didn't want to go i did, i may have gone there stoned though. I had it in my mind if i showed up, i was leaving everything at the door, so to speak, and using was the number one thing to stop, so i needed that last fix before i said goodbye to it. And I'm glad i finally made that step. Cause she's exactly what I'm looking for.

On top of having the bipolar, i need to understand the reasons behind the drug use and the gambling, and its the only way, that i will be able to cope.

So it sounds like ill be going back to mental health and seeing someone there again, as she wants to be in contact with them, because of the bipolar. Because she has some experience with mental illness but its not her field. Plus i find that she is really easy to talk to. My pdoc that I'm seeing the city, i don't think he truly understands what I'm looking for. Take away the illness, and there are still issues that needs to be resolved, he doesn't seem to think i need to worry about those.

But those are the reason i have no control over the drug use and gambling, when i'm in a weaker state. I know i can't beat this illness, i think im beginning to understand that, but if i have a good support system in place, it will help me to stay away from the things that can destroy what I've got.

[paul m]

Congrats on going, it must have been tough, but you went. Take Care. paul m

[Sweetest1]

Good for you. Every major thing we do starts with a single step. The most important one is the first.

Rebecca

[uni]

Congrats Saweet, on making your appointment! That had to be a big step and you took it.

[Atlantis]

so i had an appointment to see an addiction counselor today. And as much as i didn't want to go i did

Thanks for sharing, I find it hard too, sometimes all i want to do I change my lifestyle, other times i get sucked back into my old behaviors

I'll think about this post and it will help me keep my next appt, thanks

[saweeet]

It was hard, this isn't the first time i've gone. But its the first time i wanted to quit the life style i have and live as normal a life as i can. And as much as i hate the word normal. Its what i want.

Im feeling the withdrawls, plus I'm on a 6 day stretch at work (only had 8 hours off since i started this stretch), half way done, and i feel so ill. I'm going home here in 30 mins (tried to call someone in, no one will come in, so i gotta leave my guy by himself for the night, which is ok, but not something we do often), cause i can't get myself out this funk. Going home i can relax and recharge i hope.

But having that feeling, and then with people who don't believe i can do it. Pisses me off, and it takes a lot to push me over the edge, and when i do, i find an attack isn't far behind. I feel like i'm about to lose complete control of myself.

So im worried, cause my biggest problem is my sister. I try very hard not to play the "pitty me" act. I use to, i don't deny it. Just like i'm very honest about the things i've done in the last 10 years. But when it comes down to it, i can't change the past, and i'm doing what i can to better me. Not make someone feel better about themselves. I don't know maybe i do play the "pitty me", if i do its not on purpose by any means. (with this, i feel i can write anything, and possibly get feedback)

I just can't win with her, anything i say, i'm still this bad person who apparently hurts people on purpose. And i don't think i am, at least i try not to be. I know i hurt people in the past. But what am i suppose to do. On top of a mental illness, i have huge addictions that follow close behind. Im doing what i can to be a better person.

I can't change everything over night, as much as i would like to. I believe there is a trigger for everything, mental illness or not. She's my trigger. And i'm scared. Cause i've got just over 2400 going into my account at midnight tonight, and all the bills and payments that are coming from that, don't come out till Monday or Tuesday. So it may turn into a ****ed up weekend. Lets hope that these medications can control what i can't.