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    Feeling alone..

    I don't know where to start. This is my first time posting on a forum......
    It's hard for me to understand what's going on with my emotions/feelings/thoughts. I'm scared to talk to people around me, for a few reasons.
    1) They think this disorder is just me. Like I am seeking attention or acting out.
    2) Will they understand even if they don't think I am just seeking attention?
    3) I'm embarassed that my 'secret' will get out and I will be made fun of behind my back....
    I've been told plenty of times that I shouldn't worry about what people think of me but, how do I NOT worry about people calling me crazy behind my back? How do I not worry about people assuming that any little emotion I have is going to be because I'm 'mentally unstable'? I haven't come across these things because I haven't put myself out there with friends/family. (Honestly, I don't have much 'friends' and the term 'friend' is dear to me. Not just assigned to anybody who I can laugh with)
    "I dont know what to do anymore." is a phrase I use when I'm feeling overwhelmed + alone. Who do I reach out to? Who will understand what I am going through and not judge me? Who will NOT get sick of me when I feel like there is nothing I can do anymore? Because I feel like I've tried everything. But no matter what happens, there is always one thing I am sure of: I will break down to a point that I cannot and do not want to get out of bed for the day (sometimes a few days).
    I've tried to talk to people. I feel like such a burden. I feel like its pointless because I can't wrap my head around this s#!+ myself, how do I expect someone to hear me out when I don't even know how to explain any of it? .. Once I get going on talking its like I can't stop ranting.

    I'm also worried that every little sad/angry/confused emotion I have will be looked at as an effect of the disorder rather than ne just being me.... But is this really me? .. Do I accept this as a part of my personality/character? I hate the term 'normal' but it's all I long to be
    "Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself." -Groucho Marx

    #2
    Hello MrsAJekyllHyde and welcome. There is still a lot of stigma attached to having a mental illness. While the internet has allowed the average layman to learn a great deal about mental illness it also has been our worse enemy at times as there are a zillion articles that say " You just have to have a little more will power" or "just eat and exercise right and your problems will be gone". I wish.

    I can only talk about my experiences and those who are close to me , everyone is different and so what my experience is, probably may no be your experience.

    First the disorder is not just you. It is a well researched illness and although the cause and effects remain somewhat of a mystery science has came a long way in the last 30 yrs in understanding the illness. A few yrs ago I was privileged to attend a World Bipolar Symposium and there were 700 doctors and researchers there from all over the world. (plus a few of us with the illness that were invited to give our views). 700 hundred highly educated people didn't fly in and pay for a weeks worth of lodging etc if bipolar wasn't a real illness.

    In regards to people understanding? Some will, some won't. But you have to decide whether or not you want people to know, because once it's out, it's out forever. Both my son and I talk about our illness (bipolar) openly if the subject comes up, but I also know many people who have bipolar and the subject just never comes up. Has stigma ever affected my son or I? Yes, I've found it better to be open and not hide, then to be just thought of as weird. I know one lady in my neighbour hood thought for yrs that all the meetings I went to were AA meetings as she didn't realize that I had bipolar and the meetings I was going to were peer support meetings that I was leading and other mental health volunteer work that I do.

    Heck, I don't even understand my illness at times or why my son does some of the things that he does, but I accept my son and my friends problems with bipolar and that is better than understanding.

    In regards to people talking behind my back or making fun of me behind my back, I know what you mean, but people who want to talk about me behind my back or make fun of me are not the kind of people that I want as friends anyways. I don't have a lot of close friends, I have some, but very few, however I have ton's of acquaintances that I can enjoy an evening with or a cup of coffee. In regards to people judging me? I try and not judge people, even people that I don't like. If somebody wants to judge me, that is their problem and they can judge away. I can't stop them so why worry about them.

    In regards to having tried everything, perhaps you have, but sometimes bipolar can takes yrs to tame. I tried just over 30 different medications in over a 100 combinations before I started to get better then I spent 1000's of hrs reading about the illness , attending lectures and webinars and assorted courses to try and get better. I also had to make lifestyle changes, dietary changes and of course a lot of so called friends became ex friends. It was a very long haul. Other that I have known find a way to feel better right away.

    In regards to being normal the Oxford dictionary states normal as "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected," , so on here you are normal, in everyday life 95% of what you do is normal (at least 95%) . You eat, sleep,go to the bathroom, desire human friendship, and you have an illness or problem of some kind. Those are pretty normal human issues. Your problem is a lot rarer than someone suffering from a common cold, but having an illness is pretty common.

    I understand your frustrations, but don't give up hope, ask a lot of question in safe places like this, read a lot about your illness when you are able and generally try to educate yourself about your illness. I've been battling mine for yrs , it hasn't been fun, but I actually enjoy life most days. I'm not glad that I got ill, but I am glad that I found ways to enjoy my life, probably on some days I'm one of the happiest persons I know and I can't ask for more than that.

    So ask questions, use the forum to vent out frustrations and hope for the best. Take Care. paul m
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

    Comment


      #3
      Thank you for your words paul. This really helped me a lot since I read it a few weeks ago. I just havent been able to get my words together to reply. I've been able to reassure myself that I do not need to worry about what others think of me. I came across a confrontation last weekend and I handled it quite well. Im not very proud of how it started and what it was about but in the end I came through better than I expected.

      Thank you.
      "Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself." -Groucho Marx

      Comment


        #4
        Mrs Jekyll Hide ..

        worrying about what others say behind us ? .. that's not only your problem .. I have same problem .. I know that i ( should not worry ) .. but I worry .. and I know several people who have the same problem .. more severe .. there's a name for it .. anxiety .. and it can be even worse .. paranoia ..

        some people have no mental illness ( that's what they think ) but still worry too much about what other people think & say ..

        ..

        We don't have a push button ( on / off ) for this ( worrying ) .. the only thing we can do is be ( too busy to worry ) .. be busy with something we like .. but we know the fact that only few people might like it too .. others might not ..

        ..

        example .. Watching a movie I like makes me busy .. and I wouldn't worry if others don't like the movie .. I can't worry about something like this because I already know that this is ( normal ) .. it's almost impossible to find a movie that everybody likes ..

        ..

        you have to find something you like .. something that can make you leave your bed to go do it .. and maybe you'll find more than one thing ..

        ..

        however .. sometimes my depression is so severe & that makes me less interested in things I usually like .. no matter how I try .. the only thing I can say to myself in cases like this is : " it's only a matter of time Jafar .. tomorrow or maybe the day after things will change and I feel better .. for no obvious reason .. it's just like this .. PUFF .. my depression is gone and my mood is different .. " ..

        ..

        i learned this from other people with mood disorders .. I learned that it's chemicals in our brains .. we can't control it .. and we don't have the knowledge to explain it .. even psychiatrics know very little about it .. the only thing we can do is to wait .. maybe for hours .. maybe for several days ..

        ..

        Maybe you will find a better way to be too busy to ( worry ) .. and we learn from you too ..

        Comment


          #5
          Thank you Jafar. I have found a few things that might pull me out of bed to go do it, but my depression usually makes me feel like Im just not up to the task. Drawing, for instance, is something I LOVE. But i can't draw when Im feeling too down. Or I feel too depressed sometimes that I can't get my wrist/hand to move in the right kind of strokes to draw properly.
          I, too, just wait for the moment that I feel im ready and I jump back into things. (Sometimes I cant stop. Ill finish with a drawing for the day then Ill want to paint or create something new).. My husband is very supportive of my many hobbies and ny daughters love the stuff I come up with (well, pinterest should get most of that credit).

          ​​​​​​i've Always had a worry of what people think. I never thought of it as anxiety or paranoia. I just blamed it on a very low self esteem Ive had for as long as I could renember. I'm getting through that, too. My husband helps a lot with that.

          Im not ever alone really and sometimes I need to be alone. But the feeling of being alone with this disorder is what gets to me at times. But since Ive been on this forum I have felt sooo much better in regards to feeling alone.
          Thank you all for taking time to reply. Its very much appreciated and I usually reflect on the words from here. Even if its a post that isn't mine.
          "Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself." -Groucho Marx

          Comment


            #6
            Hi Mrs Jekyll,

            I also think that a lot of us struggle with the problem of hiding or showing our illness to others. Personnally, hiding has not been good for me for the last 10 years. I thought of it lately as "coming out of the closet". But again, it is personal choice, and you can choose to not talk about it or to tell just few friends. There is a lot of stigma, and that is very annoying. However, I do think people are more and more aware of mental illness (I hate these words), and that people have more and more acceptance toward differences.

            I feel that a good free and safe space to talk are the support group. Try to see if there is one close to your house. Personnally, I meet people there who have experiences similar to mine, and who are accepting of who I'm, people who don't judge and are there to listen what I have to say.

            Finally, as Jafar point out, yes, it can be linked to anxiety -- anxiety and bipolar illness or depression are often related, at least they are with me.

            Comment


              #7
              I have only really opened up to just a few close friends/family. Its usually just me updating them with lil information so they have an idea whats going on with me and dont take it personal. I just say im depressed to put it easier for them.
              I dont really know what to refer to this as.. 'Mental illness', 'mood disorder' .. I usually just refer to it as 'my ****ed-up-ness' to my husband (he doesnt like when I say it but i feel like it helps me express my feelings about it)
              I feel like I am accepting in as the days go by but it's still hard for me. Mostly because of my worry of what others think (i honestly dont know what gets me about that) ..
              But, Im taking it day by day. And today was a great day (its my daughter's birthday today).

              "Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself." -Groucho Marx

              Comment

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