Hello everyone, I am new to these boards and am feeling quite overwhelmed with my recent diagnosis of Bipoloar disorder.. I'm at a complete loss here and have no idea where to go or who to turn to..
Long story short, I am a 31 year old male, diagnose this past summer (July 2017)d with bipolar disorder... Manic swings like crazy, however I have been in a super depressive low for going on2 months straight now.. I was prescribed Resperidone to help with maintaining level moods, which honestly worked great for about 3 weeks.. Then, it was a downward spiral.. Super aggressive behaviour, bad moods, not wanting anything to do with anyone or anything.. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.. I don't even know what "me" is supposed to feel like anymore.
I've been on several different medications including Zoloft, Seroquil, Trazadone, Hydroxyzine (sp?), etc, etc etc I could go on, but can't even remember half the meds I've taken.... I am currently taking Abilify as an alternative to the Respiridone, which is only providing me with the same, yet worse side effects than the Respiridone did.. I'm angry all the time for no reason.. My anxiety is through the bloody roof. Benzodiazapines were the only drugs that actually helped with anything, but my doctor refuses to give me any (which I have since sourced elsewhere on my own).
A brief history.. I had been abusing opiods for the good part of 15 years (you really do not want to know the amount I was taking daily, as it'd probably make your stomach turn). I have since been clean for well over a year and a half.. Conquered that addiction by myself. No help from any one, but doing research, what to expect, supplies I needed (food, water, gravol, immodium, etc, etc). Nonetheless, I haven't touch an opioid since May of 2016 (save for a few times i was in the hospital, I had an abscess removed and was given a few percocet, and my gallbladder removed where I was given Tramadol)
I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do. My doctor refuses to get past the fact I am an addict, and the given nature of benzos being addictive/habit forming, subsequently denying me a benzo to help with this increasingly aggressive anxiety.. I've taken so many SSRI's, anti-psychs, etc, that my brain feels like a bowl of scrambled eggs
I can't eat or keep anything down.. I can't sleep, yet cannot get out of bed.. My body is in a perpetual state of chronic aches and pains, and yet my doctor condescends me and refuses the one thing that I know helps with the symptoms I am facing..
Call this a rant, or what have you, but I need help.. I'm on waiting lists for a proper psychiatrist, I've been to the ER several times only to be refered to a local, what I call, "kids help phone for adults," but they're nothing more than a councellor designed to listen to speak and give light advice. They cannot provide the help I need.
I have many of my own outlets I use to try and cope.. Been playing bass/guitar for over 20 years, I meditate, use breathing techniques, use audio (ASMR) to try and relax, but everything is losing it's effect and doesn't help as good as it used to.
I hate my doctor, flat out. I was in his office one time, in tears, begging for him to help me, only to have him sit back with his arms crossed, and have the moxie to give me a life story about this, that, and the other thing. I had even offered to sign a waiver releasing him from any liability in the event I became addicted to Klonipin. I've conquered addiction before, and for the sake of what's left of my sanity, I am willing to do it again.
I have a 4 year old son I need to think about, but I can't even perform normally and be there for him (also going through a seperation with my ex-wife, which doesn't make things any easier).
I've been trying to find a new doctor, but it's seemingly difficult, as every one are "currently not accepting new patients."
I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I have an idea of what I want to try medication-wise, but won't be able to bring this idea up to him till next week when I have my next appointment. I want to try an SSRI like Fluoxotine mixed with a benzodiazepine like Klonipin. Not even at a high dose. 0.5-1mg two-to-three times a day, as needed. Which given all my research and personal experience with benzos, is WELL MORE than reasonable..
I need out of this low, and nothing is helping... I feel like I could go on, and on, but I'm just so lost.. I'm in pain, but feel nothing, if that makes sense..
I need help..
PS. there's a lot more to this story, but I'm just trying to get the basics out, so feel free to PM for any more details.
Long story short, I am a 31 year old male, diagnose this past summer (July 2017)d with bipolar disorder... Manic swings like crazy, however I have been in a super depressive low for going on2 months straight now.. I was prescribed Resperidone to help with maintaining level moods, which honestly worked great for about 3 weeks.. Then, it was a downward spiral.. Super aggressive behaviour, bad moods, not wanting anything to do with anyone or anything.. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.. I don't even know what "me" is supposed to feel like anymore.
I've been on several different medications including Zoloft, Seroquil, Trazadone, Hydroxyzine (sp?), etc, etc etc I could go on, but can't even remember half the meds I've taken.... I am currently taking Abilify as an alternative to the Respiridone, which is only providing me with the same, yet worse side effects than the Respiridone did.. I'm angry all the time for no reason.. My anxiety is through the bloody roof. Benzodiazapines were the only drugs that actually helped with anything, but my doctor refuses to give me any (which I have since sourced elsewhere on my own).
A brief history.. I had been abusing opiods for the good part of 15 years (you really do not want to know the amount I was taking daily, as it'd probably make your stomach turn). I have since been clean for well over a year and a half.. Conquered that addiction by myself. No help from any one, but doing research, what to expect, supplies I needed (food, water, gravol, immodium, etc, etc). Nonetheless, I haven't touch an opioid since May of 2016 (save for a few times i was in the hospital, I had an abscess removed and was given a few percocet, and my gallbladder removed where I was given Tramadol)
I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do. My doctor refuses to get past the fact I am an addict, and the given nature of benzos being addictive/habit forming, subsequently denying me a benzo to help with this increasingly aggressive anxiety.. I've taken so many SSRI's, anti-psychs, etc, that my brain feels like a bowl of scrambled eggs
I can't eat or keep anything down.. I can't sleep, yet cannot get out of bed.. My body is in a perpetual state of chronic aches and pains, and yet my doctor condescends me and refuses the one thing that I know helps with the symptoms I am facing..
Call this a rant, or what have you, but I need help.. I'm on waiting lists for a proper psychiatrist, I've been to the ER several times only to be refered to a local, what I call, "kids help phone for adults," but they're nothing more than a councellor designed to listen to speak and give light advice. They cannot provide the help I need.
I have many of my own outlets I use to try and cope.. Been playing bass/guitar for over 20 years, I meditate, use breathing techniques, use audio (ASMR) to try and relax, but everything is losing it's effect and doesn't help as good as it used to.
I hate my doctor, flat out. I was in his office one time, in tears, begging for him to help me, only to have him sit back with his arms crossed, and have the moxie to give me a life story about this, that, and the other thing. I had even offered to sign a waiver releasing him from any liability in the event I became addicted to Klonipin. I've conquered addiction before, and for the sake of what's left of my sanity, I am willing to do it again.
I have a 4 year old son I need to think about, but I can't even perform normally and be there for him (also going through a seperation with my ex-wife, which doesn't make things any easier).
I've been trying to find a new doctor, but it's seemingly difficult, as every one are "currently not accepting new patients."
I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I have an idea of what I want to try medication-wise, but won't be able to bring this idea up to him till next week when I have my next appointment. I want to try an SSRI like Fluoxotine mixed with a benzodiazepine like Klonipin. Not even at a high dose. 0.5-1mg two-to-three times a day, as needed. Which given all my research and personal experience with benzos, is WELL MORE than reasonable..
I need out of this low, and nothing is helping... I feel like I could go on, and on, but I'm just so lost.. I'm in pain, but feel nothing, if that makes sense..
I need help..
PS. there's a lot more to this story, but I'm just trying to get the basics out, so feel free to PM for any more details.
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