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    Resurfacing

    My head is clearing finally. Thank god! Mid-September I started to get hypomanic. It eventually turned into a mixed episode with hallucinations, paranoia, and a strong desire to self-harm that I thankfully didn't act on. Then, predictably, that broke and I crashed into a depression. We changed my meds around and did a few management things, and I'm starting to resurface now... thankful to have survived again! I definitely owe several people about 15 apologies each... hoping they'll each take one blanket one rather than me having to list every stupid thing I did and said in the throes of the episode. Especially the person who kept me safe! I know I'll die with this illness, but I'm really trying not to die from it. Sometimes that's more of a committee project....
    Pressure makes diamonds....

    #2
    Hello Gossip. Apologies are always a tricky matter. If you had a broken arm , you wouldn't apologize for it or for being unable to do something or for requiring help at times. If some one helped you out with something in regards to your broken arm you probably would say thanks, but you wouldn't apologize. Same should go for a mental illness. Sometimes society looks at things a little (lot) differently and I've certainly spent a lot of time on apologies that I probably shouldn't have had too so I understand why you would feel the need to apologize.

    I don't think that a person should have to apologize for something beyond their control and for the most part a serious mental illness puts us through times that are beyond our control.. Take Care. paul m
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

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      #3
      Thanks Paul! Realistically if I had a broken arm I probably would apologize. I'm a Canadian female - it's pretty conditioned in by our society, right or wrong. It's a habit I'm working on breaking, but there's a long way to go.... Also, my feeling is that while my illness explains my behaviour, it doesn't excuse it. Unacceptable behaviour is still unacceptable, and I still made choices, whether or not I was thinking clearly when I made them. It's a fine distinction, and I've been told I'm too hard on myself, but that's part of my secret to staying as functional as I do with fairly severe BPI.
      Pressure makes diamonds....

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        #4
        Hello Gossip. I understand that it was my body that did the things. In AA they have a section in the 12 step program where one of the things that you do is make amends for what you did while drunk. The sole exception is if making amends would cause yourself or the other person serious harm, (It's a lot longer than that,but you catch my drift)

        That's sort of what I did. I apologized to those that my actions hurt with the explanation that I had little or no control over my actions at the time. Some people accepted my apology and some didn't , some did not even want to hear about any possible excuses that I had and will forever hate me, I have accepted that and moved on.

        While I'm up on my soap box here, I also state that many(most/all) people around me took no time to learn about my illness and how they could help me. Rather they just seemed content to gossip about what I had done.

        Over the course of a year I end up visiting people in a local mental ward. These wards are lacking flowers and cards that other wards have. Getting your appendix out, you'll get cards. Having a depressive episode and you'll be lucky to get one. People still don't know how to handle someone with a mental illness and it's up to us to educate those that want to learn.

        Society has came along way in how they treat people with a mental illness, but they still need to go much further. OK I'll get down off of my soap box now. Take Care. paul m
        "Alone we can do so little;
        Together we can do so much"
        Helen Keller

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          #5
          I'm standing right beside you on the soap box Paul.
          AJ

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

          Comment


            #6
            No worries Paul, and I agree with you about all of it. Realistically I should have been hospitalized last month. My psychiatrist looked me in the eye yesterday and said that she would have definitely had me admitted if I'd called and told her honestly what was going on, but right or wrong I prioritized my education over my health. Not that the exams I wrote while symptomatic went particularly well.... At first I was lacking insight into how sick I was, and thought that I could handle it on my own. When I realized I was hallucinating through my antipsychotic I figured it out, but I was scared of winding up in a psych ward three hours away from my family. Also really didn't want my roommates to find out what was really going on. But in making those choices I repeatedly lied to someone important to me and broke a promise, and while I wasn't thinking clearly I'm still not okay with that! I'm pretty sure she'll forgive me - she has a mental illness of her own so she gets parts of it. She's away until the beginning of December though, and in the meantime I feel sick about it until I can apologise. And the worst part is, because of the nature of this illness, I can't guarantee it won't happen again as much as I wish I could.
            Pressure makes diamonds....

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              #7
              In the midst of my episode I said something, while overly emotional, to someone I care about. It was misconstrued. She has made it clear through a third party that she never wants me to contact her again. Obviously I'll respect that, but it hurts that she jumped to the wrong conclusion and gave me no chance to explain or apologise. I'm not angry, but I am sad and hurting. And thinking it was a mistake to think she was different and trust her.
              Pressure makes diamonds....

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                #8
                Hi Gossip,

                I am sorry about the hurt of being misunderstood...

                (((hugs)))

                Take care,
                K.

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                  #9
                  Thanks Kaight! I know I'll get through this, but it's going to take some time!
                  Pressure makes diamonds....

                  Comment


                    #10
                    The more I'm thinking about what happened, the more I'm thinking that it wasn't her. It's someone at school, and I'm seriously thinking that the administration heard something and stepped in, and tied her hands. It was administration that told me not to try to contact her again, and who restricted visits with someone else who has been very supportive to no more than once a month (both of these things happened at the same meeting). And I have a fair suspicion of which administrator would have freaked out... he is not an understanding or compassionate person, especially where mental health is concerned. I respect him, but I don't like or trust him for a second!

                    The thing that's bugging me is that it was so out of character for both of them (I've known both of them for over four years)... both at the same time... both delivered through admin... both at the same meeting. Up until that point neither gave me any inkling that something was wrong between us, and it's just so not like them to go to admin without talking to me about whatever had upset them first. When I was told not to attempt to contact her again I of course freaked out and got really emotional (kept my mouth firmly shut so I wouldn't get myself into more trouble), but the more I mull it over the more I think I jumped to conclusions.

                    Yes, I worded something in an email in a way that could have been misinterpreted, and there was an interaction between us that many people saw that could also have been misinterpreted, but whatever it was I seriously think this is coming from admin. I am not to attempt to contact her, but nothing was said about not replying if she contacts me. She's out of the country at the moment, but I'm holding out hope that I'll hear from her when she gets back, though I know that if I'm right her hands may be tied as well....
                    Pressure makes diamonds....

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