Hi everyone I am new and this is my first share. I get comfort reading what you guys go through.
Here's an episode I had about a week ago that lasted 3 days.
I quit smoking October 31/18 to save money and bought a vape to further wean me off. It also seemed to be a much cheaper alternative (I had decided this even though I had no experience with vaping and had no idea what it would cost me monthly...but I make these stupid judgements all the time.
Forward to the end of January. I get my ODSP cheque at the end of the month which is when I buy my vape juices and replacement cotton coils.
Now, I think I vape too much because I was always running out of juice like 4-5 days before my cheque. So this month, I decided to buy MORE than I think I need so that I didn't have that panic at the end of the month.
I got manic and bought about $240 worth of vaping supplies. Then when it all came crashing down and I had a 3-day panic attack/depression because I had waaay overspent and now how was I going to make it through to the end of the month for food and such. (I also have a dependent child that is on my cheque) So I also felt like a horrible person for basically going on a vape shopping spree when my son relies on my cheque also.
I had three days of obsessing on what a stupid, horrible person I am, and why do I keep wasting money with these manic episodes, and I am letting my son down and being selfish. (And BTW, you can't return vaping liquids or cotton coils for safety reasons).
So my mania quickly turned into a depression where I beat myself up and I can't even sleep because I keep thinking about what I did and how stupid and greedy I am and why can I not stop myself when making a manic purchase. And I take 400mg of Seroquel/quetiapine before bed, which usually knocks me out for the night, but I was SO upset about this whole episode, and obsessing SO hard on it, not even the Seroquel put me down.
And BTW, I have about 11/2 months worth of vape juice where I hate 3/4 of the flavours also. But THAT IS MY PUNISHMENT!
I realize that this is a textbook Bi-Polar episode, but it still has real life, harsh consequences. And most of us don't have a guardian angel in our lives to help us out when we do some stupid Bi-Polar stuff.
Anyway, I have finally come to peace with what I did after about a week and have tried to forgive myself. So I slowly came to be able to sleep again.
Just wanted to share the Bi-Polar mess that I got myself into, and hopefully, you guys can relate.
Here's an episode I had about a week ago that lasted 3 days.
I quit smoking October 31/18 to save money and bought a vape to further wean me off. It also seemed to be a much cheaper alternative (I had decided this even though I had no experience with vaping and had no idea what it would cost me monthly...but I make these stupid judgements all the time.
Forward to the end of January. I get my ODSP cheque at the end of the month which is when I buy my vape juices and replacement cotton coils.
Now, I think I vape too much because I was always running out of juice like 4-5 days before my cheque. So this month, I decided to buy MORE than I think I need so that I didn't have that panic at the end of the month.
I got manic and bought about $240 worth of vaping supplies. Then when it all came crashing down and I had a 3-day panic attack/depression because I had waaay overspent and now how was I going to make it through to the end of the month for food and such. (I also have a dependent child that is on my cheque) So I also felt like a horrible person for basically going on a vape shopping spree when my son relies on my cheque also.
I had three days of obsessing on what a stupid, horrible person I am, and why do I keep wasting money with these manic episodes, and I am letting my son down and being selfish. (And BTW, you can't return vaping liquids or cotton coils for safety reasons).
So my mania quickly turned into a depression where I beat myself up and I can't even sleep because I keep thinking about what I did and how stupid and greedy I am and why can I not stop myself when making a manic purchase. And I take 400mg of Seroquel/quetiapine before bed, which usually knocks me out for the night, but I was SO upset about this whole episode, and obsessing SO hard on it, not even the Seroquel put me down.
And BTW, I have about 11/2 months worth of vape juice where I hate 3/4 of the flavours also. But THAT IS MY PUNISHMENT!
I realize that this is a textbook Bi-Polar episode, but it still has real life, harsh consequences. And most of us don't have a guardian angel in our lives to help us out when we do some stupid Bi-Polar stuff.
Anyway, I have finally come to peace with what I did after about a week and have tried to forgive myself. So I slowly came to be able to sleep again.
Just wanted to share the Bi-Polar mess that I got myself into, and hopefully, you guys can relate.
Comment