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    Break down

    I had a break down this past weekend in front of several newer friends. We are all in the same super intense college program (7 classes and semester and two pages worth of deadlines for this semester). Most of us including myself are living out of province away from our usual support systems (my self included) and many of us have mental health problems and/or mood disorders, mainly anxiety and depression. I have type 2 bipolar and have been medicated and receiving therapy for the 10 years prior to this program. The pace and expectations of this program are unhealthy for me and most of my class but it is my dream career. We have managed to create a decent support network among ourselves but it is difficult when everyone is in the same boat regarding time, and energy.
    when I first moved here in September and became friends with these people I was in a more hypo manic cycle and my new friends got the impression that I am stronger and more secure than I am.
    Getting back to this weekend, some of my close friends from the program and I were having a party out of town to celebrate the start of reading week. During the party some drama occurred and one of the girls needed the room we were staying in that night to herself. Because I was a side character in this drama I felt like it was my fault but was unable to talk it through with her before she went to sleep. This caused me a ton of anxiety and I was unable to retreat to a quiet space to process that experience. Upon waking up hours later she assured me that our friend ship was still in tact but the emotional damage to me was already done. I hadn’t slept that night from worry and ended up staying up for about 56 hours straight. I ended up crying and screaming in a room for most of Monday morning, hearing phantom voices of my friends talking about how to get rid of me.
    They seemed to understand and told me it would be better once I slept. It I was still struggling really hard to sleep. I knew I needed someone to just hold me until I slept and told them that but after doing so for a bit they gave up and started packing and having breakfast while I cried. They then told me I had to get in the car with my friend that had been part of the anxiety situation because they all needed to get back to the city, even though I had told them being around her was causing me more anxiety. My one friend said I had to do it for them, as they had school work to do even though they had just spent a bunch of time telling me I need to look out for myself first. I told them I couldn’t do it because it was bad for my mental health and they made me do it anyways. (To clarify there were multiple drivers and vehicles out there) Now I feel betrayed and sad and exhausted. I don’t go back to this program but I don’t want to give up on my dream. I have already lost my partner of 5 years to this program and I feel like a failure.
    I feel betrayed at this point. They told me they needed me to let them know when I needed help and I did and they didn’t listen to what I needed. I am mad at them for abandoning them when I have supported them in their struggles. It doesn’t seem fair but I really don’t have any other people to turn to here.
    I have managed to get some sleep and get in touch with my psychiatrist in Manitoba and can speak to her more about it this afternoon.
    but I still feel awful, abandoned, over looked and generally hurt. I don’t feel I can trust them fully and I don’t want to spent 40+ hours a week with them around for the next 6 months. I also don’t to say anything mean to them because that’s not fair.
    I cuurently feel like disappearing.
    Does any one have any tips or advice for a situation like this ?

    #2
    Hello BlackBean and welcome. Unfortunately I can't give meaningful advice on your weekend as I am not qualified in any way to give advice, especially, medical advice. However I don't think that you are a failure. Looking at the positives you are taking a heavy duty course and until now it seems you've done well just to stay in that heavy of a course. It sounds like you have some good supports in place or at least you thought you did and that's all you can do. Many people that we consider friends scatter when we hit a real rough spot. It's not fair, but it happens. You have maintained contact with your psychiatrist and that is very important.

    I've made and lost a lot of friends during my journey. Usually it's a combo of things, some my fault and some other people's fault. It sounds as if you have made it quite far along in a difficult course and for that you should congratulate yourself. I'm sorry that I don't have a more detailed response. Take Care. paul m
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

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      #3
      Welcome to the forums BlackBean.
      AJ

      Humans punish themselves endlessly
      for not being what they believe they should be.
      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

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