Hi all,
I am new here, but I am not at all new to bipolar. I was diagnosed type 1 15 years ago.
Anyway, the issue that is of concern at the moment is regarding how my moods have an effect on my life. I am currently working on a master's degree in history, which means I also work as a teaching assistant during the school year. Last Fall I began the school year in a terrible condition. I was first manic which then warped into a mixed mood episode. My mania is most often aggressive and argumentative. I feel like the world is slowing me down and I need to correct it and hurry things along. As one can imagine this does not mix well with other humans. (ha! ugh) So, when it came time to teach I threw one of my students out of class for being rude (and ultimately had them removed from my seminar, because how dare they) I also threatened to throw another student out, and I was very argumentative overall. However, eventually I dropped into depression and was nicer, but I stopped caring and would end classes early a lot of the time. In the end, besides the few students who I helped closely, I received a lot of really negative feedback when I got my reviews back. I realise I gave them plenty of ammunition, but it still stings. A lot of what happened felt beyond my control, as if I am watching myself talking and I am unable to stop myself (during mania). I was also accused, in my final grade from a professor, of not doing the readings when I had read everything, I would just zone out a lot because I was depressed and could not concentrate. Anyway, my point is, I am frustrated. I have worked hard, and I am still attempting to work hard but this devil of an illness creeps in and I do not have the ability to say "Sorry I was an a**hole, it was just mania."
-Jessica
I am new here, but I am not at all new to bipolar. I was diagnosed type 1 15 years ago.
Anyway, the issue that is of concern at the moment is regarding how my moods have an effect on my life. I am currently working on a master's degree in history, which means I also work as a teaching assistant during the school year. Last Fall I began the school year in a terrible condition. I was first manic which then warped into a mixed mood episode. My mania is most often aggressive and argumentative. I feel like the world is slowing me down and I need to correct it and hurry things along. As one can imagine this does not mix well with other humans. (ha! ugh) So, when it came time to teach I threw one of my students out of class for being rude (and ultimately had them removed from my seminar, because how dare they) I also threatened to throw another student out, and I was very argumentative overall. However, eventually I dropped into depression and was nicer, but I stopped caring and would end classes early a lot of the time. In the end, besides the few students who I helped closely, I received a lot of really negative feedback when I got my reviews back. I realise I gave them plenty of ammunition, but it still stings. A lot of what happened felt beyond my control, as if I am watching myself talking and I am unable to stop myself (during mania). I was also accused, in my final grade from a professor, of not doing the readings when I had read everything, I would just zone out a lot because I was depressed and could not concentrate. Anyway, my point is, I am frustrated. I have worked hard, and I am still attempting to work hard but this devil of an illness creeps in and I do not have the ability to say "Sorry I was an a**hole, it was just mania."
-Jessica
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