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    How do I get back up?

    Everything is so complicated. I feel like I have been shoved down by life so many times that I just can't get back up anymore.

    I am 39.

    Mother and father divorced since I was 3. My alcoholic mother abandoned me when I was 14. My father never liked me for some reason, so he has never really been in my life. I have been on my own since I was 15 years old.

    So called friends always took advantage of me. Boyfriends one after another abused me. And I let them, because I had no one to turn to. No where to go. Not one family member or true friend to help me.

    I was pregnant at 19. Had my boy. Moved in with my son's father a year later. I was desperate to make this little family work. I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted my son's father to be a good dad. I wanted to change my life around and really make it a good life.

    My son's father just abused me and cheated every chance he could get. I left, but he took my son. I went back to him, because I loved my son so much I couldn't be away from him.

    We bought a house and started over. I tried my hardest again. I wanted the family I never had. I made it 11 years. I couldn't handle the abuse anymore. It got to the point that my son's father was teaching and allowing my son to abuse me as well. My depression was getting too dark and I had to leave.

    It killed to have to leave my son with his dad, but that is where he wanted to be. My son stopped talking to me because he believed all of the lies his dad told him. I feel like I failed my son.

    I fell into a deep depression. I missed my boy horribly. I had social anxiety so bad that it was hard for me to go out into public or talk to anyone. I found a counsellor and groups on depression and anxiety. I worked so hard to make myself better. I knew I would never be cured, but I had a handle on things now.

    I re-connected with a male school friend. We were married just last year. I was so happy things were FINALLY working out for me. I was still working on bettering myself and now maybe I could build the family I always wanted again. Things were looking good.

    I should know by now that as soon as I get up and dust myself off, I will be kicked in the teeth again. Dec 2016...diagnosed with breast cancer. And there it is. I was only working part time, so no benefits for me. CPP denied my claim. I can't work because of chemo and other treatment I have to do.

    My husband is great! I love him so much... but now I feel like a burden to him. I had plans of getting a better job this year and for us to move to a better place. Having children is not in the cards anymore because of how long my treatment will be and what it will do to me. Another thing ripped from me.

    His small family is not supportive. Actually, it seems they like to cause problems whenever possible. I have literally no family at all and no friends. It's just my husband and I.

    I feel so beat down. My depression and anxiety has come back full force. I don't know where to go from here. How do I get back up?

    My husband and I are getting along well, but life has been throwing us more problems then we can solve.

    How do I find peace and happiness in our lives? I feel like I can never be happy again. I don't want to drag my husband down with me.

    I am trying to be happy with what little we have, but it's so hard when things keep getting taken from me.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums Aloha1978. That's an interesting name you've chosen. (I've spent a lot of time in Hawaii and very much appreciate everything about the aloha spirit.)

    You have been through some very difficult things in your life, and from your post I would say that you're a courageous women.

    You have gotten up countless times over the years, when some would have just given up.

    When I look at the whole of my life it is very easy to feel overwhelmed. It's just all too much. I can manage by focusing on one or two things at a time. Sometimes I can manage alot, and other times tying my shoes and walking to the store is enough for one day.

    I'm sorry to hear about all the abuse you have been through. Good for you for walking away. Leaving a bad situation for the unknown is not an easy thing to do.

    Family for some can be very toxic. Sometimes we need to create our own family.

    I have a lot of aquaintenances, a few friends but only one that I'd call in a crisis. I consider myself fortunate that way. I never would have met her if if I hadn't put myself out there and gone to a luncheon.

    It's not not easy to meet others when not feeling well. Some have found volunteer work a good
    place to meet like minded people. Again it's not easy to do when you're depressed and or anxious.

    Do do you have a family doctor? It might be a place to start. He or she can evaluate any unaddressed factors that could be contributing to your feelings or depression and anxiety. Low thyroid hormone levels can for example really bring your mood down and zap your energy.

    i hope things get better for you soon. Take care.



    O
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      AJ,

      Thank you for your response.

      Something about Hawaii has always resonated with me. Even to this day, I feel that is where I should be living my life.

      I have thought about volunteering, however I can't because I am currently undergoing chemotherapy. I have to watch exposing myself germs and viruses.

      I won't be able to see my family doctor for a couple of weeks. I think I will need to go back on meds again. I really don't want to though because I am sensitive to medications and get bad side effects. I have had my thyroid checked. The doctor says it's fine, but I do feel like something is "off" with it.

      I am seeing my counsellor this Sunday. He is a such a nice guy, but he is not very helpful. He just let's me vent, but doesn't help me, help myself, to get through it. Also, the group's I used to go to no longer exist.

      My husband and I have been talking about joining the ymca. It just comes down to money. Also my social anxiety is very bad again and it's hard for me to be in front of people.

      I have been trying to make my own family over the years, but I can't seem to find the right people. As soon as I start trusting someone, they show me who they really are and it's not usually a nice person.

      Your right, I do need to focus on just a few things at a time. It was something I was taught in those groups. Keep dividing problems until it's a small enough piece to deal with. I just have so many problems lately that need more prompt attention. So I try and focus on happy good things, but lately there is not many.

      Comment


        #4
        If you do discuss starting medication with your doctor, run it by the cancer treatment pharmacist to see if there's any drug drug interactions that need to be considered.

        Yes I can see why you need to be careful about exposing yourself to people while having chemo. You don't want to add to your risk of getting an infection while your immune system is suppressed.

        It it sounds like this would be a time to be gentle with yourself. You have a lot on your plate. I'm sure having chemo wipes you out, never mind anything else in life.

        Take care.
        AJ

        Humans punish themselves endlessly
        for not being what they believe they should be.
        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

        Comment


          #5
          Hi there aloha1978. I just wanted to say welcome to the forums!

          I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough go as of the moment and I certainly hope things improve for you.

          Welcome again, feel better!
          Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.

          Comment


            #6
            Thank you AJ and bucky310.

            Comment


              #7
              Find other things that make you happy and keep doing that. Your son will wise up on his own between 19-25 he will be back and actually empathetic. I love fly fishing i am away in nature for the whole day with my 100+ year old bamboo rod and 1951 woven creel. I spend the day completely absorbed by the past and present like a river runs through it. there is nothing but beauty surrounding me it is damn near impossible to have a bad day doing something you truly love. Nobody can come and ruin my day, cause its just me and the wildlife. being alone is awesome nobody to bug me or piss me off. I haven't touch a women since 2008 and could careless if i do. actually I am now at the point its better if I don't. Its like quieting smoking, i did it Nov 24 2016 after 37 years, and I actually do not miss it.

              Be yourself first then be something to someone else. now is the time to reinvent yourself and build your self esteem.

              Buddy Mack.
              "If we new what we were doing we wouldn't call it research......" Albert Einstein

              Comment


                #8
                I joined the YMCA a few years ago and I found that it is based on income. If you bring in your last few pay stubs they will scale it to your income. I don't know where you live, but have you connected with CMHA? They might be able to offer some support and there are sometimes Self-Help groups available. Are there any other therapists in your area that might be more helpful? You are so courageous facing each obstacle. My boyfriend keeps reminding me that he is here to support me and he wants to be. It sounds like your husband is the same.

                Comment


                  #9
                  aloha1978 .... I REALLY REALLY appreciate where you are coming from and I admire your courage and strength to have come this far. I can relate because I have had a lifelong disability and had over 20 surgeries (lost count). I think you've been given some great advice here, 1-take things one at a time 2-see your doc and straighten out the meds (if your anxious about the side effects, even small doses of the right drug can work wonders) and I would add one thing, again from my own experience: Try to focus only on the positives from your past difficulties, so let's say that you only think about the fact that you DID survive all those things and you DID get up each time you were dealt a blow. Keep it bracketed only at that...after all, if it's in the past it can't hurt you again unless you choose to relive it, right? Try to draw strength from your experiences, go ahead and take credit for having overcome so much! It helped me to read your post because it helped me put my own issues in context. I wish you all the best of luck and I'm glad you are here.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by Stenacron Man View Post
                    Find other things that make you happy and keep doing that. Your son will wise up on his own between 19-25 he will be back and actually empathetic. I love fly fishing i am away in nature for the whole day with my 100+ year old bamboo rod and 1951 woven creel. I spend the day completely absorbed by the past and present like a river runs through it. there is nothing but beauty surrounding me it is damn near impossible to have a bad day doing something you truly love. Nobody can come and ruin my day, cause its just me and the wildlife. being alone is awesome nobody to bug me or piss me off. I haven't touch a women since 2008 and could careless if i do. actually I am now at the point its better if I don't. Its like quieting smoking, i did it Nov 24 2016 after 37 years, and I actually do not miss it.

                    Be yourself first then be something to someone else. now is the time to reinvent yourself and build your self esteem.

                    Buddy Mack.
                    I am new here and I jopt this forum helps

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Welcome to the forum Katia1559. Please feel free to share as little or as much of yourself as you are comfortable with.

                      You'll find this to be a pretty supportive and friendly group.
                      AJ

                      Humans punish themselves endlessly
                      for not being what they believe they should be.
                      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                      Comment

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