the unloveable me

[purgatory]

I know I've bored you over the years about my core interrelationships or lack of. It's been over a year since I've last been able to speak to my daughter, my parents despise me. I knew I was going to be shunned for moving away (less than 9k) with partner. He was actually the first guy I dated since the divorce of 2005. They spewed hate that I never did anything for them etc. I used up vacation for mom's cancer, then when she had her heart issues, then when she had a knee replacement (that's just the highlights of the last 10 years). Dad same during his cancer and other health issues. I've always done what I was told then I knew what they were doing while I trusted them while recovering from brain surgery, divorce, breakdown, work all in one year. It caught me off guard the pain. I knew it would happen and have told my friend and partner yup one of my uncles passed away and the funeral was yesterday. I didn't know. I have one relative out of the goodness of her faith touch base with me once a month or so. She was so nervous as an after thoght that she told me and kept saying not to every let the familiga know so as they don't shun her too. No one seemed surprised I wasn't there nor even breathed my name. I never did a thing to all of them, in fact I was the only one that routinely sent postcards, happy birthday cards, xmas cards etc. Never asked for anything. I'm working with a cbt therapist on a study poor guy. We are trying to work with why I think I'm unlovable. I guess I'm glad they forced the medical retirement on me cause the black dog is definitely upon me. thanks much for letting me whine. I keep trying but I'm so tired and why?

[AJ]

Hi Purgatory. I have never been 'bored' with anything you have posted.

I won't pretend to understand the inner workings of your family. I will say that everybody deserves to be treated with respect. It sounds like you have been very supportive to your family. It seems to me that you are not the one with the problem. It is sometimes easier to blame ourselves for things gone awry, rather than accept that a situation is just out of our control. I catch myself doing it on occasion.

Sometimes families can be toxic. It can be hard to come to terms with that. It is a loss of relationships that we grew up with.

There is nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with people who are supportive and accepting. Sometimes we have to create our own families.

[paul m]

Hello Purgatory. You haven't bored us with your problems. Problems are why the forum is here. I'll agree with AJ in that some families are toxic. While I kid about being divorced from my family, it's not so far from the truth. In the separation agreement. so to speak, I have a clause that states there will be no transference of information unless it is necessary and/or pleasant.

I have long since come to terms with the fact that I could win a Nobel peace prize and some people would say "he cheated, or look at how he treated his family (insert various lies here) or blind luck.

So while I ask for info on various people who should be closer to me, I neither accept criticism of them nor do I accept criticism of myself. Some members o my family used to almost make it into a sport of being critical of anyone who couldn't be at a function (get together, wedding , funeral etc). I refuse to take part anymore. If I don't see some people for years, that is their problem and not mine, nor am I even remotely interested about what those people have to say about me.

Please also keep in mind that depression makes us have a worse self image of ourselves than we really deserve , it's just the nature of the illness. Depression certainly can make us feel unlovable. Take Care. paul m

[bucky310]

Hi Purgatory,

Your problems are far from boring. We're here to support each other. I'm sorry to hear it's not going well right now.

I did, however, want to share something that paul's post reminded me of. It was a talk that Ajahn Brahm was making and a joke he told about Donald Trump.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuNPkq-uFrA&feature=youtu.be&t=102

The moral being something like "if people want to find faults in you, they will".

I hope you feel better soon.

[purgatory]

hi thanks all. It had always been with my immediate family since I was a child so I would remember word for word but also write things down exactly then there came voice recorders and emails to prove I wasn't crazy. Hence both my pdoc and cbt therapist say I'm a very black or white for thinking not into shades of grey (yeah pun there since that books' relationship was wayyyyyyy wrong lol). Yeah the depression makes the disappointment and sadness heavier I knew even as a child and yearn to run away from them. I may have mentioned my mother had no idea which schools I went to but oh yeah my brother no problem. As for my child my mother especially in the last few years kept saying that she raised her largely. My ass I'd pick her up right after work, then of course my dad would offer goodies if she went over after an hour or so. or sleep over the times it felt like a damn tug of war. Ah yes my mother would let the kid not go to school so they could go shopping or whatever then I would find out via third party. Again putting foot etc down but being ignored.

The other thing is why do they believe the worse of me (the extended family) when I never ever gave cause in fact I was always the dependable one? However, my father was/is the Don of the family and he loves it. Even with my cousins all generations, no one including my Aunt who is older but female is too afraid to anger him

I always referred myself as being invisible because that's what I was unless I did something for myself which I wasn't to do. I was never to date after the divorce. Did I mention the kid was almost 19 when I did start dating my partner and when she found out she scream , slam her bedroom door and wouldn't come out.

That's the most painful of all, I was always there for her, during surgeries, nursing her through them and every single illness, I was always home and I took whatever my ex was dishing out on me silently. I really miss being a mom, her especially I hate that because there will never be a future (and this is not my depression at all lots of experience) I've been known to my colleagues etc that I'm a very very details type of person and that I'm bang on about what will happen in work structures (the fiefdoms). As I told my pdoc I had to always watch mannerisms, tones etc as a child to know when my father or mother would really lose it and to hide, especially during my marriage. Humans are predictable really at their nature(didn't know how to phrase that one).

I told my partner that I will not be joining him and his family for xmas and he needs to arrange a ride (I can't trust his driving and ethanol content) he's like no we have to be together blah blah. I told him this xmas is going to be really difficult for me but to please enjoy his family gathering. I always wanted to not have to go to some family holiday drama whether it was my family growing up, definitely during marriage etc. My brother never makes the 25th always with his in laws so all the pressure was on me no matter if I would have a kidney stone happening. I just don't want to recognize it except what day of the week it is.

God I'm blabbering. Too much has been going on, including my medical retirement yes pay centre and pheonix is holding up pension which means months without money arghhhhhh.

thank to all of you again all of you are great and actually understand.

[paul m]

Hello Purgatory. I do sympathize with you. However if i can make a couple of observations. You sound like a good person, so why do you beat yourself up endlessly over things that you had no control over? You tried to do the right things, but your parents refused to allow that to happen. I'm sure that was exceedingly hurtful, but you cannot change it now.

If I was Anne Landers I would say that your parents were manipulative and cruel and that you should not allow them to control your life. AND they are still controlling your life. Your refusal to go to you B/F's parents is an example. I presume that you don't want to go because it will bring up bitter memories of the past and that you would become very upset. I also presume that is just what your parents would like to see happen.

Take my word for it. You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future, you can only control right now. You also cannot change the behavior of someone else.

Whenever I live in the past or at least constantly think about the past and how things could have been different just sets me back.

I can't forget the past, nor can I forgive some people, but I can put them in the back of my mind and not in the front. I can't control the future, but I can control my own future to a certain extent by learning from my past mistakes. Sometimes that learning process is painful and sometimes I have to make painful decisions, but that gives me choices and if I chose correctly, then the future becomes brighter and I look forward to it.

None of the above is a criticism. I'm not Ann Landers ,nor do I have the wisdom or knowledge to suggest that I am. This Christmas I may see some of my family, I may not and that is fine with me. If I see them I will be pleasant and if it even starts to become unpleasant I will walk away or leave and I don't care what any one thinks.

If I may make make a suggestion, and this is what I used to do when my wife wanted to go to something and I didn't. I would drive her there, stay as long or as short as I wanted and then leave and come back later to pick her up. Sometimes I just drove around the corner and read a book. If someone asked what was wrong, I just said that I had anxiety problems that I was working on. I rarely got asked. I still do this today. Good Luck with everything. Take Care. paul m

[purgatory]

hi Paul M your advice is sound and I keep preaching those words but my brain is stubborn The only family member my paternal aunt calls me and it's just between us as she is leary of angering the 'Don' of the family and I so understand. She phoned to wish me happy new year which is good cause I thought she was too fearful to call on Christmas which she has done for decades. Apparently, when she did her christmas calls to all her siblings and reached my parents house she spoke also to my brother. She then asked to speak to me cause they said I was there. She knows my voice (I had to hide the fact that she and I spoke regularly over the decades as my father had forbidden me to do so. Though I'm not surprised but still reeling a bit my daughter spoke to my aunt pretending to be me. My aunt didn't call them on it tis not worth it. Of course, they hadn't told me about the death of my maternal uncle mid December either.

[paul m]

Hello Purgatory. My brain is stubborn too. Either that or I'm a very sloooowww learner, probably a bit of both LOL. Take Care. paul m

[Kaight]

Hi Purgatory,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It must be very draining to live is such hostility. I hope that you will (soon) find some peace, even if only for short moments... you are long overdue.

Take care,
Kaight