My Partner is pushing me away. Seeking advice.

[WorriedPartner]

Hi,

this is is my first time posting. I’m in sort of a crisis right now and don’t know what to do. Me and my partner have been seeing one another for 4 months now. The whole time he has been very open about his feelings and his struggle with depression and anxiety. He’s struggled with it for many years, he started going to the doctors every week and is taking a number of medications. But About three weeks he hit an extreme low point, he was suicidal and in and out of the ER. Yesterday out of the blue he said he needed to break up. That he doesn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship or to be Romantic with anyone. I understand that he needs his space to deal with this on his own. But he believes he needs to do it by himself, he thinks he’s a burden and is bringing people down. I’m not sure how to proceed In this situation because he doesn’t want to accept my support. He constantly is pushing me away and saying I’m over bearing. But then last night he messages me saying he’s having a panic attack and messed everything up. We talked for a bit but then this morning when I reached out to see if he was okay he said he doesn’t want my help , and that he wasn’t seeking my support. He said last night he was trying to see if I was okay, but the whole situation seemed like he was seeking some sort of validation. I’m just utterly confused by what’s going on because last night he seemed like he wanted my help but when I give him support he shuts down. I’m looking for any advice on what I should do or if there’s any way I can help. I don’t want to leave him, but I can only handle being pushed away so much. Do I just wait for him to come to me? Should I keep trying to help? Will he ever need my support?

[AJ]

Hi WorriedPartner and welcome to the forums. Do you think your partner would consider couples counselling to help clarify your relationship?

yesterday out of the blue he said he needed to break up. That he doesn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship or to be Romantic with anyone.

Do you think that part of that might be about wanting to 'spare' you having to deal with what's going on for him? It sounds like you are getting mixed messages if he called you when he was having a panic attack.

In my dark days it was very hard to be in a relationship in some ways. I appreciated the support but I was always worried about being a burden. Emotionally I was not as available as I wanted to be either. It is tough on a partner no matter how much they care.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some clarity. It might help to choose a time that your partner is having a 'better' day. Depending on the response, you'll need to decide how that fits into your life, if it does. It is great that you want to be so supportive, that you cared enough to come here and post, however you also need to take care of yourself. In the end, you both need to do what's best for yourselves. I know it sounds selfish, but we can only offer a supportive hand. He or she needs to decide whether to accept it or not. Your time, energy and happiness are important too.

[Tony Testa]

Worried Partner, the hard truth is that you can't improve the situation. He's incapable of turning lemons into lemoncello and you can't do it for him. The good days are fleeting and once the dark clouds return you'll be left in the peripheral again. I know of what I speak, I've turned so many women away I've lost count. He'll have to learn to help himself, dealing with social anxiety and the feeling that you cannot be loved is almost impossible. It's only a 4 month relationship, get out! It may be the spur to his self improvement, hopefully he'll learn not to make the same mistakes with a future partner. Help yourself, preserve your sanity. There are other potential mates that will love and respect you for who you are without dragging you through the emotional mud.

Sad but true.

[wantstounderstand]

In addition to this conversation. When does one know when to quit. my DW is attending DBT Therapy and seeing her Therapist up to 2 additional days a week. In turn my MIL and I are attending the Family Connections Program at the same location to help us help her. But I am finding myself more and more drained and not sure if I can handle this.