I'm 26. I've had depression all my life-- starting from a bad childhood, dad was physically and emotionally abusive, my mom was very depressed and in later childhood became an alcoholic and crack addict, splitting off and becoming estranged from the family at large. My depression got worse following that as you'd expect, and I basically bombed all of highschool. barely went to school. always had shyness and anxiety but it started getting worse, I dont know in what order or why. I'd skip classes because my depression would mean I wouldnt show up on time or often enough, and the two would reinforce until i failed the class.Years back I had a period where I drank heavily to cope with my depression, for the most part I smoke pot, and continue to. Probably too much, its certainly gotten in the way of my day to day life, but ive also quit pot for extended periods and I dont think my quality of life really changes much for the better. I went to college, numerous numerous times so far. I cant focus. I'm depressed, i hate everything i pick. I drop in and out of various programs. I've been depressed and anxious so long, my life is very small, I dont have a lot of interests, and even my interests dont interest me all that much.
As a result, whenever I start feeling better, more optimistic about life, ready to try and date and stop being a shut in, I go back to school, discover I have no passion for whatever it is im studying [since i have no interests], start to forsee a lonely future where I am isolated romantically, estranged from my job, utterly joyless dead on the inside and trapped trapped trapped. I'm in school again, and I hate it. I have some money because of a loan from the Govt' but otherwise, I have nothing in life. I'm dependent on my abusive dad, I dont have a license, i cant hold down a job, my sisters moved away from my town years ago. I have one friend, hes poor and lives with his parents!
I'm at the end of my ropes. everytime i think ive gotten the depression kicked and I get a job, my anxiety kicks in, or vise versa. I dont know what to do in life to give myself a sense of purpose to build towards, because ive been depressed for so long theres nothing in life I value or hold much interest in, even when I'm feeling better*-- and this is most definitely an upswing ive been on, having tried psychedelics in the last few months and found myself surprisingly more optimistic. Thats the only reason im even bothering making this post, with the hopes that someone can give me some advice. anything. How do you build a life when for as long as you can remember you were just gritting your teeth barely trying to hold on?
* I wish i could put my life towards religion but im an atheist, i wish i could put myself towards some kind of political or social goal but im a cynic. I cant see much use putting my life towards saving humanity as im not a huge fan of humanity, and I think were ****ed anyways. Were going to go extinct. This is a broad issue of mine: I've been depressed so long I dont know when i actually dont like things or if its just my depression talking, and I dont know what aspects of my world view [i.e the human species is doomed so any existential worth one could get from a career or some kind of social task is ephemeral and pointless at best] are inherent to my depression or actually rational evaluations. In any case, everything I can think of to give my life inspiration seems pointless, or impossible. Slowly over the years my social sphere has dwindled and my hopes and aspirations and interests have dwindled. I'm basically just some sad man alone in a room playing video games I dont even like.
As a result, whenever I start feeling better, more optimistic about life, ready to try and date and stop being a shut in, I go back to school, discover I have no passion for whatever it is im studying [since i have no interests], start to forsee a lonely future where I am isolated romantically, estranged from my job, utterly joyless dead on the inside and trapped trapped trapped. I'm in school again, and I hate it. I have some money because of a loan from the Govt' but otherwise, I have nothing in life. I'm dependent on my abusive dad, I dont have a license, i cant hold down a job, my sisters moved away from my town years ago. I have one friend, hes poor and lives with his parents!
I'm at the end of my ropes. everytime i think ive gotten the depression kicked and I get a job, my anxiety kicks in, or vise versa. I dont know what to do in life to give myself a sense of purpose to build towards, because ive been depressed for so long theres nothing in life I value or hold much interest in, even when I'm feeling better*-- and this is most definitely an upswing ive been on, having tried psychedelics in the last few months and found myself surprisingly more optimistic. Thats the only reason im even bothering making this post, with the hopes that someone can give me some advice. anything. How do you build a life when for as long as you can remember you were just gritting your teeth barely trying to hold on?
* I wish i could put my life towards religion but im an atheist, i wish i could put myself towards some kind of political or social goal but im a cynic. I cant see much use putting my life towards saving humanity as im not a huge fan of humanity, and I think were ****ed anyways. Were going to go extinct. This is a broad issue of mine: I've been depressed so long I dont know when i actually dont like things or if its just my depression talking, and I dont know what aspects of my world view [i.e the human species is doomed so any existential worth one could get from a career or some kind of social task is ephemeral and pointless at best] are inherent to my depression or actually rational evaluations. In any case, everything I can think of to give my life inspiration seems pointless, or impossible. Slowly over the years my social sphere has dwindled and my hopes and aspirations and interests have dwindled. I'm basically just some sad man alone in a room playing video games I dont even like.
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