so lonely even if someone is in a room

[purgatory]

Hi even after everything has happeed to me one after another, the worse is when your common in law becomes your roommate no matter what I tried. I miss even a human touch. Now to save money of course the car and a couple of other necessary issues used mup a huge saving.

I'd rather be lonely living by myself. It's been over a year since my spine issues I've been using my tool box but I don't know today it's awful. thank you for listening

[AJ]

If I could give you a hug, I would. I know that a cyber hug is not going to do it. Being disconnected, physically and emotionally, from someone who has been an important person in our life can be very lonely. I've been in that position and in many ways, it is worse than not being in a relationship at all.

[purgatory]

thank you you understand exactly what I was trying to type. wow been a really lousy year and a half keeps hitting me.. Unlike others who have also been diagnosed with border personality, I never ever jump from one relationship to another. Since I was 16 minimum 2 year break this time I waited 12 years. I've not succedded in one interpersonal relationship none wow having a parent and relative try to lock you up and they having seen you for lots of years proved what I felt since a young child. This relationship had a great chance till the nerve roots in spine compressed then he withdrewed. He won't say anything to me about it except I love you want to stay. He's 50 always high *** drive I also but nothing. It's hitting all my diagnosis I keep trying. I don't do confrontations It's at the point I texted him and we are in the same condo. Most times he won't respond. wow. I really don't want to leave in hopes but May 2017 is a long time for hoping for even hand holding. I have to outright not cave and actually leave. I'm 50 and between the ex, parents taking most and I mean most including signing over my house right after brain surgery leaving ex and 72 hour lock up for a good reason all with a couple of months. I learned to always be thankful for any attention from my parents, say lots of thank you etc. But begging to even talk hold hands is a cycle I recognize and god another failure. Sorry when I said lonely I really meant it. sorry about me going on about it.

[AJ]

No need to apologize Purgatory. Expressing your frustrations is perfectly ok!

[Debbs]

Isn't it amazing how we apologise for being lonely? There are no 2 situations exacty the same but loneliness feels the same no matter what. I always look at other people's situations that are worse than mine & feel guilty but I still have a right to feel like this, we all do! I spent 13 yrs married to a man that was bipolar & alcoholic. Then it wasn't a recognised condition so he was labelled an alcoholic with a personality disorder & compulsive liar! I honestly thought I could fix him back then. We had my 2 boys. We split up when my boys were 4 & 6. After a few years of getting my life back together i met my last husband & nearly 9 years ago we moved to Canada. Nearly 4 years ago in the space of 3 weeks I went from believing I was married to the man of my dreams to single! He is a longhaul truck driver & was having an affair for 18 months & I had no idea. I havnt seen or spoke to him since 3 weeks after I found out he was leaving me! It was like he suddenly died but he didn't it was his choice!
Since then I am divorced again and damaged goods as i trust no-one in a relationship sense so have no intention of risking my heart again. My eldest (24) was diagnosed bipolar 3yrs ago, my youngest (22) has anxiety & depression & all my family live in the UK.
I love where I live & I could never start again in the UK but I am so damn lonely. I live in a small village which I love but I spend my life going to work & worrying about my boys. Last weekend I heard my ex married the woman he ran off with and was on their honeymoon!
I look around at everyone & my family all the time & wonder what I ever wrong that I could end up in this situation!
I have thought about doing volunteer work but it's so hard where I live and I work full-time.
So here's the thing whether you are alone, with someone or in a room of 100 people loneliness feels the same!
I guess for me I have to realise that I can't change the past & not everything is within my control. I need to learn to like myself again so I can enjoy my own company! It's just very hard & I feel even more lonely when im constantly worrying about my bipolar & nobody around me really understands. I don't know how to switch that maternal worry button off. It makes me feel physically sick!
Tomorrow is another day!!!!

[purgatory]

thank you Debbs and my sympathies of people using and leaving. I get it 100 percent. I don't have even have my daughter my parents have tons of money and I kid you not and even as a child knew they didn't love me. I now have the documented proof. They were peeved when my pdoc said run from all three too toxic. Last words from the father was who is going to look after us. They adore my sibling the boy of course even though he's a leech and moved over an hour away and only comes around for more money but hey I'm a female and unloveable.

[purgatory]

I'm really thinking of getting my first tattoo (I've always thought of them as ick but) I think at 50 I can no longer deny "unloveable" is me. Pls don't say noone is unlovable kind that it is , it's the cards that were dealt me.

[Debbs]

Hey.. Go for it I say!!! I have 4 tattoos. I am 53, I had my first one about 25yrs ago & the last one I had done 2 yrs ago! It is me, each one means something & what's important to me & makes a statement!
I love them!
My 1st one is for me & depicts my personality & my second one is for my 2 boys.
When I had my 3rd one done for my Dad after I lost him 6yrs ago my ex hated it & wasn't at all supportive so I have to admit when I had my last one done 2 yrs after he left me I got some extra satisfaction LOL.
Of course it had no bearing on my decision I had it for me (its actually for my Mum & a similar design to my Dads to match. She is my best friend but is in the UK). I miss her all the time
My point is never be afraid to be an individual & try something new! It helps me to learn to like myself again when I make the decision to do something for me & to hell with what anyone else thinks!!!
I love Tattoos. They are very personal & show individuality! ❤

[Debbs]

Wow feeling so low today. Some days life is just such hard work I had my eldest son on the phone for nearly an hour last night having issues with his girlfriend again! I wanna be there for him but he rings me up every time they argue & I told him last night it wasn't healthy or normal. I feel sick every time his number comes up in the phone.
Its normally every few days. He will be 25 next month & I feel like I'm living in his relationship! I think she is a trigger for him. His bpd really flares up. I know he loves her but that's not always enough. I cant tell him what to do he has to figure it out. I know he is not easy to be with & I don't think he is on the right meds either. He was over medicating wen he got them!
I stopped making his appointments for him or getting his meds. He has to take responsibility for himself & im not sure she understands the illness. I'm not even sure if he has contacted his psychiatrist. His normal one was retiring & recommended 2 near him but I'm not even sure if he contacted them yet.
I am making myself ill worrying but he is the only one who can sort himself out & I do understand that. I just really dont know how to switch off. I am on my own & my friends & family dont get it.
They live together as well and I'm not sure if he has anywhere else to go. I live nearly 2hrs away & he hates where I live so I know I am a last resort for him. I feel guilty too cos that worries me as well. Wen he's at home it's a nightmare. We clash so bad & him & my younger son (with anxiety & deppresion) always end up arguing but I love him so much and I wont see him on the street. I know he has a couple of friends there so i am hoping he will get himself sorted. I know he dont wanna live here so I would be a last option. I really want them to work out but all they seem to do is argue & I feel like I'm living in the relationship with them!!! I don't know what the answer's are & I know he has to sort everything out himself. I know ican't fix him & he has to learn to live with his illness but OMG it's so hard to watch. I just want him to be happy.
I feel like the world is on my shoulder's right now. I feel so so lonely with it all. Not eating & sleeping properly. My life consists of working, sleeping when I can & constantly worrying about my boys!
I dont know how to be there for him but stay detatched af the same time for my own health.
I know he is not my little boy anymore but he is my son & its breaking my heart
I'm sorry I'm rambling. I just feel so lost with it all today. I am at work but all i wanna do is curl up in the fetal position, cry & cry & get rid of this constant knot in my stomach
Sorry, feeling very sorry for myself today

[13dreams]

I tried to pm you Debbs

[Debbs]

Hi 13dreams
I haven't got any inbox messages? Not quite sure what we are doing wrong.
If any moderators/administrators see this post perhaps you can advise us please & thankyou.

[AJ]

Hi Debbs. Under user settings/account you can turn on private messaging. It is not turned on by default. I turned it on for you. Let me know if you need any more help.

[Debbs]

Thankyou AJ!

[AJ]

You're welcome.