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    Lost

    I have been working at the same organization for 10 years. In those ten years I have been on and off work several times. I like my job when it is stable meaning I go in do my thing and leave. Problem is I get moved around once in a while and that sends me into a deep depression to the point where I just can't face work. I know I need to stay at this job for it has a great pension. However, I don't know if I can face another 15 years of it. I'm 50 years old. I'm currently looking into another position at another organization but this organization pays less and has no pension. I sometimes struggle to make ends meet now. Also if I go into this other position will it make me happier. I'm truly frightened of failure.

    I have been fighting depression all my life. It's like I'm cruising along being OK and then suddenly the bottom falls out so to speak. I end up in bed or isolating myself to the basement and just want to be left alone. I have a stable marriage and a loving wife (I think). I have two kids in their teens who are pretty good. Although I do worry about my son. He is also on meds but self medicates as well. I worry about him constantly. I feel I am incapable of love. My wife seems like a friend to me even though we are very close. I don't really know what the feeling of love is. I care for my family and don't want anything to happen to them but I don't know about love.

    I had a psychiatrist whom I had a great relationship with and he help me a lot. Unfortunately he lost his license to practice and I haven't bee able to find a new one. I've tried but they are not taking on any new patients. My family doctor is great and she helps but is not a psychiatrist.

    I sit here and type this while depressed. This is the 5th day in a row I have taken off work. Don't know if I should go back or take some time off. It comes down to a money issue as well as the family thinking oh he's off work again. I care a lot of what other people think of me. Sometimes I wonder if they really think I have depression or I just do not want to work. They just do not understand how I feel and it is very frustrating. Sometimes I think my doctor has the same feelings (Oh it's him again. He doesn't want to work again) All of this is just so overwhelming. I have depression and I hate it. I'm not lazy I have an illness.

    Okay I've rambled enough for my first post.

    Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums MrPostman. Thank you for sharing a little of yourself with us. Work can be a challenge at the best of times, never mind if you're also dealing with a mental illness. Unfortunatley people do not have the same understanding and compassion for those who suffer from mental illness. I had to stop worrying about what others were thinking of me, and just focus on what I needed to do to get better. That usually involved a change in medication, some other lifestyle changes, and sometimes time off work.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

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      #3
      Hello Mr Postman and welcome. Don't give up trying to get a psychiatrist, but in the meantime have you tried a psychologist. A psychologist cannot prescribe medicine but can be of help in other ways. Your benefit plan may cover part or all of the cost. Take Care. paul m
      "Alone we can do so little;
      Together we can do so much"
      Helen Keller

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        #4
        Hello MrPostman, and welcome. Depression doesn't mean you're lazy, it's an illness. But depression will talk to you and get you to call yourself all kinds of negative things. Remember that's the depression talking, and not reality.

        I relate very much to what you've said. Been there, done that, repeat.... here's my two cents:

        I've let go of certain expectations. People will misunderstand, not care to understand, or greatly understand and even empathize.
        Bureaucracies and corporations are faceless, so their actions are not as personal as we feel them to be.
        To stop looking for a good psychiatrist or psychologist means you won't find one. To keep looking means you might. They are out there, just not easy to get to.
        When I took some time off work to look after myself, I could wait until I had better perspective as to what to do about my job. I'd tell myself not to quit right now, give it a week and see how I feel then. It's amazing how much that did for me.
        We aren't alone in this, far from it.

        I hope this gives you a little bit of insight and encouragement.
        uni

        ~ it's always worth it ~

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