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Possibly depression-like symptoms?

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    Possibly depression-like symptoms?

    Sometimes I feel like I pour so much energy into something that I can’t feel any excitement anymore. And I look up and everything looks so bleak and pointless and I lose the motivation to continue or do anything else. It kind of feels like my inside I’m squirming with dread realizing how I feel. The pointlessness usually goes away after a while but doesn’t seem to fully disappear until the next morning.

    So its kind of a cycle of getting excited about something and pouring myself into it then the above.

    Usually I make myself finish video projects (I like putting family videos together) which yields some feeling of accomplishment but when I feel down like that, it makes me feel like my accomplishment is little and that the finished project really actually kind of sucks and that it’s stupid to feel happy or excited about it because of that. And then there’s books I get so excited about writing then lose interest after about a chapter or two. Don’t know if that’s related.

    Nights I feel worse. A lot of nights after everyone goes to bed I have to work up the energy to get ready for bed myself, in the meantime lying on the couch feeling alone and almost miserable. My mom usually offers to have a bedtime chat about the day but sometimes I don’t feel like getting up so I stay on the couch, which makes it worse (because I always feel a bit better after talking to her).

    Get bored after a while and make myself get ready for bed convincing myself I’ll feel better in the morning. I usually do. Even though everyone has already gone to work by the time I get up and I’m alone anyway, the brightness and new day make me feel better and usually excited to work on a video or something similar. Sometimes the cycle from the previous day repeats. But sometimes I can feel good all day.

    (I find this not so much when I’m working because my mind is distracted I guess? But after a work day sometimes I feel absolutely exhausted and kind of similar to what I described above, especially if I’m working an evening shift)

    I also find i tend to obsess over one thing though. Right now it’s making videos and I don’t feel like doing much else (except maybe checking social media or watching tv). I enjoy family time and playing games and watching movies with them but don’t seem to have the energy to ride my horse or go four wheeling or go for a walk, which I usually love. But I will go skiing with my family for the day.

    I don’t know when this started. I’ve kind of had bad spells that last a few days to 2 weeks (but rarely longer) over the last few years but it always went away. Whenever that happened I would check off most of the symptoms of major depression (sadness, loss of interest in activities, low self esteem, feeling hopeless, tired, no energy, felt much less talkative and I think I actually worked slower because of how I felt, but my sleep and eating habits didn’t change or at least not much) in myself (but a moderate version) but it wouldn’t last long enough and would go away before I ever had a chance to do anything about it. And these spells were always random, nothing seemed to cause them. This would happen every 2 months or so. Hasn’t happened for a while but I still sometimes feel how I described above, for a couple of days then that goes away. Not sure about the time frame or how often this happens as I find it hard to keep track even writing it down.

    As it is now, I sleep about 10 or sometimes more hours every night and still feel tired. I sleep 7-9 usually if I work early and don’t feel any worse but I’ll sleep a solid 12 hours after a couple nights of that (I always wake up a couple times during the night though). I’ve lost 10 pounds in a few months not trying but I’m pretty sure that’s not related to anything, just been working more so have less time to eat bad stuff lol. I don’t have a particularly healthy diet in general though so maybe that’s part of my problem? Yet I’ve had blood tests and never tested low for any important vitamins or minerals. I haven’t felt like riding my horse or doing too much else in a while but it’s winter so I could also put it down to that. But I enjoy (most of the time) watching tv or hanging out with my family. I can’t stand sitting still doing nothing most of the time. I do feel sad quite a bit, sometimes it’s after everyone goes to bed or if something happens to make me upset but other times it seems like there’s no reason.

    I can still laugh and have fun with my family but then I feel worse when I’m alone. But sometimes I don’t want to talk or be around too many people (never applies to my family).

    Also, if I have a day off and have a plan for the day (like working on a video, even though that’s not important and I could do it anytime) and then something else turns up that I have or want to do (like looking at new insulin pumps since I’m diabetic, something I hate doing, or going to look at kittens [my old cat passed away recently so we’re looking into getting a couple of kittens], something I love to do but bothers me anyway if I had a different idea for how the day was going to go), I get stressed out feeling like I don’t have time for everything.

    I would like to know if any of this could be related to some form of depression. I can’t relate to much when people describe their major depression symptoms because I’m really not that bad. But I still have a feeling that something isn’t right. But maybe that’s just normal and what I’m experiencing is regular everyday sadness. I’m too scared to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m ungrateful or that I’m trying to belittle mental illness and trying to make how I feel seem worse than it is, because I can still function normally, sometimes it’s just harder. And I know people with clinical depression feel much worse than I do but I don’t know, something just doesn’t feel right.

    Trying online tests doesn’t help because they ask “for the last 2 weeks” and it either doesn’t last that long or I can’t remember how I felt over the past 2 weeks. Writing it down doesn’t help either because I can think I’m okay but then a couple days later I’m thinking “wow I feel much better today”. On the other hand if it’s not bad enough to remember or be able to write down then it can’t really be that bad can it?

    Sorry, I know this is really long and all over the place and I’m not sure it makes much sense. It’s really hard for me to describe but I tried my best. I’m just very confused and really I want to know whether what I feel is completely normal and if anyone else has ever questioned their mental health this way.

    i feel like someone should just tell me I’m imagining things and that I’m fine and nothing is wrong with me but I can’t help feeling like theres something. I guess I’m really looking for suggestions for what could cause me to feel this way? Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this. Thanks for any replies.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums PaperStars. You did indeed post in the Depression section, but it would have been ok if you hadn't. We're pretty relaxed about that on this forum, unlike a lot of windows tech forums.

    If you think/feel that things are not okay, then they're not. Don't let anyone dismiss your thoughts or feelings about how you're doing!

    Sometimes there is no 'reason(s)' for how I feel, I just do. Physical health, and other life stresses can contribute to my state of well being, but sometimes I just can't put a finger on it. There are some life changes that can makes a difference, and sometimes there aren't. The important thing is to accept where I am and figure out where to go from there.

    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      Thank you for your reply AJ. It took a while to work up the courage to even post this here, even online where no one knows me! It does always seem to me like no one would understand that I feel this way, because my life looks pretty good from the outside. I don’t have a lot of major stresses that most people my age would have (I’m 22, still live at home as my family has always been very close and I would rather pay a bit of rent than live on my own, I have a decent steady job and quite a few hobbies when I have the energy to do them), but I do still feel stressed out quite a lot, even over small things that most wouldn’t stress over. I guess I have to stop thinking so much about what other people think!

      I get what you say about there sometimes being no reason for feeling down too. Sometimes I can pinpoint a reason but other times I come up with nothing, I just do, just like you said.

      Comment


        #4
        Well I'm glad you did post PaperStars.

        People call me a worrywart. I can worry about certain things. Flying worries me, not crashing, just missing the flight, or a connection, or lost luggage! I actually get quite anxious about it. My travelling companions don't quite get it.

        I'm also one of those, prepare for the worst and plan for the best, kind of person. It is a good thing when hiking in the back woods in the winter, but a bit of a drag when doing an activity expecting a disaster to happen any minute.
        AJ

        Humans punish themselves endlessly
        for not being what they believe they should be.
        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

        Comment


          #5
          Hello and welcome PaperStars. Can it be related to depression. I can't diagnose as I'm not medically qualified, but it does sound that depression is entering your life. Depression can be very short term( a day) or much longer lasting. As well anxieties often go hand and hand with depression.
          We don't need a reason to have depression to spring up, it can come on all of a sudden (so can anxieties) .

          Please feel free to ask more questions, answer other people's post and/or use the forum to vent out some of life's frustrations. Take Care. paul m
          "Alone we can do so little;
          Together we can do so much"
          Helen Keller

          Comment


            #6
            AJ- yes, I worry about the same things when flying! I don’t think I’ll ever fly anywhere alone. I get totally lost just walking through an airport though. And then I worry about really stupid stuff too... I sing at my church sometimes, and I’m perfectly fine being on stage in front of everyone (or at least no more worried than the average person would be), but walking up to the stage and back to my chair afterwards is what makes me the most anxious, because it’s then that I feel all eyes on me... I’m pretty sure I used to have some level of social anxiety but Im much better now than I used to be. Working as a cashier seems to have helped me get through most of my worries. At least I can actually reply to people when they talk to me instead of feeling like I can’t say a word, and eating near other people no longer makes me feel like I’m about to choke on my food (unless maybe I’m trying to talk to them at the same time).

            paul- Thank you very much for the welcome
            and your reply. You take care also!

            Comment


              #7
              Hello PaperStars, and welcome!

              Thanks for getting up the courage to post, and sharing some of your story In reading it I find many elements of my own experiences over the years.

              Whether you have the disorder called depression, I really can't say. Some of us seem to be born more prone to changes in our moods than others. If the mood changes interfere badly enough in a person's life, then a diagnosis may help and you can go from there. Other times, people just ride with it and learn some tools to use when things get rougher. I know for sure that bouncing things off of people in this forum, or just venting or whatever, has been a great way for me to get perspective and help me figure things out. I hope you're able to find the same.
              uni

              ~ it's always worth it ~

              Comment


                #8
                Thank you uni! I think it’s very possible I’m one of those people prone to mood changes. I think that mostly started happening when I was around 14...starting high school, I had just gotten my horse, was struggling to find out who I was. Although I felt I should be the happiest I’d ever been, I couldn’t pull myself out of a dark sad feeling many days. But I was having a hard time with my horse, because she was more than I could handle at the time and that definitely took its toll on me. Still, even after we became comfortable with each other, and years later when she was no longer a challenge for me, I still had these darker, sad periods of time that seemed to get worse after my first (and only) year of university.

                But I really can’t remember much from back then. I feel like I used to be so much happier when I was younger, I was always so positive and always out doing something. I think maybe some of that childhood happiness just goes away when you get past a certain age and realize the world isn’t as perfect as you thought it was. But I do also wonder if I feel down more than I should. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to “wake up” someday and be myself again, then I end up really happy for a while and forget about all of that and life is good. Then that happiness goes away and I pretty much forget I ever felt happy. I wish there was an easier way to manage the mood changes because I feel exhausted sometimes trying to keep my spirits up, but I’m hoping I will at least find the energy to start getting some light exercise once some of the snow and ice goes away. Sometimes I find exercise helps, other times it makes me feel worse, but it’s worth a try!

                thanks for your comments and I hope that I will be able to find that too!

                Comment


                  #9
                  PaperStars, I believe that awareness is half the battle, and it sounds like you're fairly aware of your moods. Sometimes I wonder if we all have kind of an internal compass (pretty sure I often ignore mine) and when too many alarm bells go off, it's time to check the situation out. What I personally do is journal or talk to a friend, or read something helpful or come onto the forum. When mega alarm bells go off (after some time in denial) I phone a mental health professional.

                  Thanks for mentioning exercise. I need the reminder! I'm convinced it's the magic pill for most of our human ailments. This does not, however, mean that I necessarily fill my prescription
                  uni

                  ~ it's always worth it ~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    uni, yes I think I am fairly aware of how I feel, although why is another story...sometimes the dumbest things can make me feel bad, other times I can’t think of a reason but know there is one (and sometimes there really is no reason I should). I’m trying to be more aware of why I feel a certain way now, and exactly how I feel, so I try to tell myself “I feel this feeling because of this or because this happened”. I’m not sure how that’s working yet though, as sometimes when I feel down it’s hard to remember to try to figure out why . It’s so easy to just think “wow I feel really bad. When am I gonna be happy again?” Even if it’s only been a couple of days. But lately I’ve mostly just been feeling that way at night, sometimes in the morning; and during the day I’m fine as long as I’m doing something that makes me think or work hard.

                    I am also a creative type so I’m always writing, journaling, reading, etc. I like to sing too. I find that sometimes when I write or sing a lot (or go for a walk or a run) though, I seem to lose all feeling and it’s like I spilled all the feeling out of me. It’s kind of weird feeling just numb like that. I think that happens anytime though so it’s not just when I feel sad. When I am sad it’s usually hard to find the energy to do any of that but I really should try more because I think it’s might help.

                    Lol and yes, exercise does seem to be a cure-all. I actually wrote a research paper on the benefits of regular exercise in high school. That doesn’t mean I always fill my prescription either though! Hehe

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Of course, everything depends on the circumstances that are causing the depression, but I think changing the city or the place you live in can be one of the options to ease the condition. Many forms of depression are just symptoms of a need for a change, it may be a change of the job or scenery. You can start everything all over again, which is an important factor. If you ever consider doing it, I can recommend Moving Help Today company.
                      Last edited by kyo19; January 4, 2022, 09:20 AM.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Some of the things the initial poster noted can be seen in people with depression but some of these traits can also be related to other mental health illnesses. PaperStars please speak to a doctor or psychiatrist and complete an assessment tool, this will help determine if you have depression and the severity of the depression. Depression is mainly treated in two ways, medication and counselling. Some people combine the two and some people use one or the other. I hope Paperstars is getting the help that they need. CMHA is offering free counselling by phone during the pandemic if your interested. Kyo19 i think a change in ones environment may help someone with mild depressive symptoms and is an excellent suggestion. Thank you for sharing this on the forum.

                        Mocha231

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