Overwhelmed

[Seashell]

First post for me. I think I'm going to go point form just to let you get a picture.
I turn 60 this year, suffered depression since I was 4
Also, fibromyalgia and anxiety since 80's
Grief is knocking on my door, my mom just over two years and my friend of 45 years last year.
Enough?
My oldest son is a constant worry with schizophrenia.
My marriage has broken up, we separated almost a year ago. On our 36th anniversary. Only we live on the same property.
My husband blames everything on my depression. I feel like a pathetic loser and like I have been cast aside broken. For some reason I have a lot of acquaintances, and no friends. I have given my entire life to my marriage and am living alone for the first time ever.
I have been thinking that maybe my family would understand if I committed suicide. This is not a good sign for me and that is why I am here.
I can't stop crying or find joy or energy.

[paul m]

Hello Seashell and welcome. I too have a lot of acquaintances and few true friends. Part of that is my fault as I feel as if I've been burned many times before by supposed friends and I don't want to put myself out there. Probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it leaves me in a safe spot that I am content with so I figure why change things. It takes work to maintain friends and sometimes I just don't have the energy. Not good excuses , but they are the only ones that I have. Also some people make and keep friends very easily( I'm not one of those people). I find that I make and keep acquaintances and that satisfies my need for social contact.

It's always tough to lose a friend and/or some relatives. You have my sympathies. In regards to your husband blaming you. Unfortunately that happens. But just because it happens doesn't make it right. There are lots of physical problems that could leave us unable to continue life as we once knew it. I mean whether it is a physical illness or a mental one, the results may be the same . We are incapacitated for a length of time in some way and it's not our fault. Your husband could just as easily came down with a physical ailment that will leave him unable to do much.

Sorry to hear about your son. I can understand it being a constant worry, our son has bipolar(as do I).

In regards to ending it all, Not good thoughts, people will miss you. If you can't stop crying etc you need to talk with your doc about a different antidepressant or a different cocktail of medications, It took me years to find the right combo of meds and now I have more good days than bad and I'm glad my suicide attempts were failures.

Don't give up on your self. I thought that I would never be happy either, but things did eventually change. The illness is not your fault nor is it fair to apply label and say that this or that was your fault. A mental illness is not something we ask for . Take Care. paul m

[Seashell]

Thanks for your input, I don't take meds any more, I find that the side effects too bad and complicate other medical conditions.

[Lady in Blue]

Seashell, I'm sorry to hear of all your struggles. I find difficult situations tend to come in clusters, which makes one think I can't take anymore. How horrible to break up on your anniversary! Entering that age bracket can be disconcerting (I just passed the barrier), and I believe it brings on existential challenges (i.e. meaning in life, how far you've come, level of satisfaction regarding what you did in your life). I also have fibromyalgia, and know how it can add to the depression - apparently there are neurotransmitter/brain/central nervous system/sleep irregularities). Having an adult child with a disability is certainly an added stressor. I am also new to the grief experience - my mom died about a year and a half ago. There's something about the death of a mother that can make one feel orphaned and insecure - that comforting safety net is gone. It may be early days for you in terms of the grief process, which can be physically and emotionally exhausting and be the reason you don't have any energy . Thinking that your family would understand if you committed suicide speaks to the sense of shame and guilt you feel from internalizing your husband's tendency to blame everything on your depression. Understandable that you would protect yourself from becoming vulnerable by risking friendships. Do you get any sense of relief from crying?

[eikroy]

Seashell, Hello I hope you are feeling a bit better from the time of posting this forum.

Something that I think may help you right now is to change your focus. I can see that you're a very caring person as your entire post mainly revolves around others rather than yourself. It is really a gift to have to be a caring person. Often when we think of our past we choose the wrong memories to work off of, and unfortunately, the way our brains work is once we focus on a negative situation all other negative situations that have ever happened to us in life come back all at once and relate to what is happening now to us, it can be a very vicious cycle and can leave you feeling like giving up. You can start by forcing a positive idea into your head, you can do this by visualizing or finding that thing that makes you feel ok and hold on to that as long as you can until eventually your new positive way of thinking is the primitive thought pattern that your subconscious mind will take without having to put in the effort.

If you are interested I believe the story of Colonel Sanders might help you find some hope and inspiration. I'll leave a link: https://www.mashed.com/131055/the-tr...lonel-sanders/ I always find when I'm hit with tragedy reading stories of others prevailing who have experienced similar or worse things than myself helps me find the strength to move forward.

[Rosey]

Oh @Seashell....I also hope you are feeling better. Let us know. Please know that you are not alone. I also have a son with schizophrenia and struggle with depression and anxiety. Do you get panic attacks? Also please know that you cannot cause your son to have schizophrenia no more than you can cure his schizophrenia. Marriages end quite often when coupes are not able to stay on the same page or support each other through it. It's a tough one. If you want to talk you can connect with me through this site and we can talk privately if you like. Hugs to you.