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    #31
    Good Luck. Take Care. paul m
    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller

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      #32
      So how did the meeting go Uni?
      AJ

      Humans punish themselves endlessly
      for not being what they believe they should be.
      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

      Comment


        #33
        We had a pretty respectful airing of views, and I felt as though we really heard each other. We talked for quite a long time, but to cut to the chase:

        He said that he believed there was no hope for the relationship. I said I believed it was still worth saving, with a commitment to more in-depth counseling than we had a few years ago.

        But it takes two to tango, and we only had me.... so we returned each other's house keys, I told him to let me know if he changes his mind, he said he had mixed feelings at that point, and I haven't heard from him since. So I figure -- and am acting as if -- it's over for good. That's what my mind thinks; my heart is a bit slow to take it in.
        Last edited by uni; June 3rd, 2019, 12:24 AM.
        uni

        ~ it's always worth it ~

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          #34
          Hugs Uni. The heart sometimes takes some time to catch up to the mind.
          AJ

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

          Comment


            #35
            Thanks AJ. That's very true. I did shed quite a lot of tears right afterward, then went into numb/neutral mode The awful truth is coming through in fits and starts now. Does not feel good at all
            uni

            ~ it's always worth it ~

            Comment


              #36
              AJ

              Humans punish themselves endlessly
              for not being what they believe they should be.
              -Don Miguel Ruiz-

              Comment


                #37
                Hello Uni. Sorry about your relationship. . Take Care. paul m
                "Alone we can do so little;
                Together we can do so much"
                Helen Keller

                Comment


                  #38
                  Thank you so much AJ and Paul. It's surprising how meaningful a few virtual hugs can be

                  I just re-read this whole thread and see that there's so much more to the events of the past month or two than I could ever explain here. So much thought and effort on both our parts, so much soul searching on both our parts, so many questions within ourselves, such an emotional roller coaster for both of us. So much love, so much pain.

                  It seems like an oxymoron that two people can love each other so much and apparently be unable to have a happy relationship. Impossible to explain, only someone who has been in a similar type of relationship can really "get it". And of course when you're in the middle of it you see nothing but tall trees all around, and it's impossible to see the forest. Maybe someday I will see the forest. I hope so.

                  I have grown and changed since we met, as has he. Our situation has changed, Things and people and places around us have changed. Even our bodies have changed. That's life happening, it happens to everyone. I think you either learn to pull together while going through these things, or you don't. We have had a lot of trouble learning how to operate as a team.

                  Can you imagine two horses pulling a wagon through a snowstorm, and they are insisting on heading in different directions? Or one of them stops completely? And then it starts to go, but the other one stops? Then they stand and look at each other and miraculously move forward together and make it through the storm. How wonderful! But another storm comes along eventually, and they haven't been practicing teamwork very well in the meantime, and barely make it through. But they do make it through all the same, and enjoy the spring and summer and fall, and life is pretty good again!

                  But another winter is bound to come around - and another and another - and it's very tiring trying to get this team thing figured out. So guidance is sought from someone who works with teams, and it brings a few pointers and some encouragement and hope. And the team makes it through several more storms, with less gnashing of teeth, and enjoys a lot of scenery along the way. But they keep stumbling, and instead of improving overall, the teamwork gets worse.

                  Old injuries flare up, some from long ago, before the team was ever put together. So they do first aid as needed, and carry on, limping but that's ok. Right? Guess what. It's not ok. Because they lose momentum, they hurt more, they turn and pull this way and that, they make some progress but they are both in pain. Each one is so preoccupied with their own disabilities that they don't see
                  what the other one is dealing with. And it's nobody's fault; they're just trying to look after themselves.

                  Finally one horse just stops, because the pain is too great. The other horse is pulling to continue the journey, but agrees a break might be needed

                  After some time, the horse who wants to carry on sees that there is no hope for this team as long as its partner is at a standstill. Maybe a good veterinarian can help. A specialist on teams, someone who really knows their stuff. Maybe some physio for both of them, some extended treatment, some restorative therapy, whatever it takes, and hang the expense. It's a long shot, but the alternative is to quit trying.

                  The obstacle to this plan is that both team members must be on board with it. A team of one, hanging onto a sliver of hope, and injured badly to boot, as well as being lost in a snowstorm and quite possibly an unsuitable team member from the start, can not make this journey happen alone.

                  So the harness is unhooked (it was badly frayed anyway) and the horses limp away in one direction or another, heads bowed, to lick their wounds in the hope they will heal. And meanwhile, with luck, find some shelter among their horse friends.

                  The End.


                  uni

                  ~ it's always worth it ~

                  Comment


                    #39
                    That's a very good analogy Uni.
                    AJ

                    Humans punish themselves endlessly
                    for not being what they believe they should be.
                    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                    Comment


                      #40
                      I continue to feel sick and awful Carrying stuff around inside of me instead of crying like I know would be good. It seems like this has to get worse before it will get better. Or some such thing. Thank heaven for friends and all of that, but boy I hate this. So much.

                      I'm functioning but at a pretty low level. I guess I have to just let time pass. Really don't want this to turn into a full depressive episode. Will keep my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Last time, he said that one particular psychologist at the health region might be suitable for me, but he couldn't remember her name. Hopefully he comes up with it tomorrow. Meanwhile, I have a second appointment this Friday with the psychologist who moved to private practice. She has a waiting list and I should let her know pretty quickly whether I'm going to keep the appointment or not. The way I feel right now, making decisions is not something I'm doing well. Greatly lacking perspective here....


                      In the course of writing this, it occurs to me to ask myself "If this were happening to a dear friend of mine, what would I think she'd be wise to do?".... and the answer that popped into my head was:

                      "Spring for the psychologist you know, just one more time. You feel comfortable with her, you have faith in her abilities, and she knows you and your history. Sure she's very expensive, but worth it to you right now. Have you forgotten the money you squirreled away "in case of emergency"? (Actually I kinda did, because I haven't needed it for ages, and figured my car would need serious attention. Turns out it's me. Good grief.)

                      "You can still go ahead and make an appointment with the health region psychologist.. Nothing to lose there, And it's probably a good idea to at least meet with her anyway, for future reference. As much as you probably don't want to hear this, there's a good chance you may be a candidate for counseling again sometime. So in a way, it's research on what/who's available out there these days. Because the oldies are retiring and the newbies are moving in. Not unlike GP's or dentists or pharmacists." Or for that matter, and possibly with more traumatic consequences, hair stylists

                      Although the sick awfulness in my gut is still with me, posting here and "talking it out" with those of you on the forum has helped me to feel less alone, and also to make a decision. It's so nice to have traveling companions in the wilderness!

                      If you've read this far, thank you. I wish you, and me, well
                      uni

                      ~ it's always worth it ~

                      Comment


                        #41
                        Hello Uni. Here's wishing you well.. Take Care. paul m
                        "Alone we can do so little;
                        Together we can do so much"
                        Helen Keller

                        Comment


                          #42
                          You haven't lost your sense of humour Uni. That is a very good thing. I hope you're feeling better soon.
                          AJ

                          Humans punish themselves endlessly
                          for not being what they believe they should be.
                          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                          Comment


                            #43
                            Thanks so much Paul and AJ. Yes I surprise myself with the odd humourous moment, and it helps a wee bit

                            On an unrelated note, have you ever been vaccinated for shingles? It takes two shots a few months apart. They warn you about possible pain and flu like symptoms for a few days after the shot. I got the first one in March, and had some general body soreness, but nothing much, for a day or two afterward. Well, I got the second one yesterday and holy crap! I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck. Every muscle in my body seems to be in pain. I have a new appreciation for what people with chronic illness go through. So my hat's off to both of you, Paul and AJ, because I know you have ongoing physical issues.

                            I hope today has a good thing or two happen for all of us
                            uni

                            ~ it's always worth it ~

                            Comment


                              #44
                              One good thing actually happened for me today, At least I hope it will turn out to be good. I found cookies & cream frozen yogourt on sale "for the unbelievably low low price of only $3.25!" And there was only one left. I've never had that flavour before so I hope I like it. Anyway I can sit and mindlessly eat it while watching a mindless DVD tonight. Whoo-hoo ain't life grand?
                              uni

                              ~ it's always worth it ~

                              Comment


                                #45
                                Reading your post gave me a great idea. Time to break open the box of ice cream in the freezer.
                                AJ

                                Humans punish themselves endlessly
                                for not being what they believe they should be.
                                -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                                Comment

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