My boyfriend and I have had major relationship problems in the past. And here we go again. I feel sick about it. I don't know if there's hope for us or not. I can't even think straight. My emotions are in a turmoil.. I'm drawing on my faith and friends, and whatever support I can get. It gets me through the day but it doesn't change a thing.
Today I read some of my past journal entries. I see that I have personal stumbling blocks that may sink any relationship I try to have with anyone. I've gone for help, he's gone for help, we've gone for help together, and it always comes back to emotional issues I can't seem to get past. I end up thinking I'll never be anything but mixed up, out of step. and incapable of sustaining my part in a healthy relationship.
I don't want to lose my boyfriend because of my wonkiness/craziness/illness/issues but it looks like that's exactly what's happening. I don't blame him though. He didn't make me this way, and he doesn't need the grief I seem to bring to his life. He deserves happiness, and maybe the best way I can love him is to let him go, if that's what he decides. My heart is breaking here, but I'm pretty sure his has already broken and he's had enough. He says he doesn't want to be around me, talk to me or text with me. I don't know if we have broken up, or he just needs a break from me (it has happened before). I don't know if I'll hear from him again. Meanwhile, I leave on a week-long trip in a few days.
If he doesn't get in touch before I leave, do I go against his request and try to contact him, or take him at his word and leave him alone? If I try to contact him what might come of it? What kind of shape will I be in to go on a trip? If I don't, and am full of uncertainly, what kind of shape will I be in? What if I wait, and try after I get home? No clear answer. No right way.
This is one of those times when I have to hang on to the roller coaster really tight and do whatever I can to preserve some kind of peace of mind, even a bit here and there, enough to get me through the next few days, and not think too far beyond or I'll be in an even worse state. One day at a time, maybe one hour at a time.
I hate this.
If you've read this far, thank you. Just putting it out there has done me a small bit of good, and as always I'm so very grateful for this forum.
Today I read some of my past journal entries. I see that I have personal stumbling blocks that may sink any relationship I try to have with anyone. I've gone for help, he's gone for help, we've gone for help together, and it always comes back to emotional issues I can't seem to get past. I end up thinking I'll never be anything but mixed up, out of step. and incapable of sustaining my part in a healthy relationship.
I don't want to lose my boyfriend because of my wonkiness/craziness/illness/issues but it looks like that's exactly what's happening. I don't blame him though. He didn't make me this way, and he doesn't need the grief I seem to bring to his life. He deserves happiness, and maybe the best way I can love him is to let him go, if that's what he decides. My heart is breaking here, but I'm pretty sure his has already broken and he's had enough. He says he doesn't want to be around me, talk to me or text with me. I don't know if we have broken up, or he just needs a break from me (it has happened before). I don't know if I'll hear from him again. Meanwhile, I leave on a week-long trip in a few days.
If he doesn't get in touch before I leave, do I go against his request and try to contact him, or take him at his word and leave him alone? If I try to contact him what might come of it? What kind of shape will I be in to go on a trip? If I don't, and am full of uncertainly, what kind of shape will I be in? What if I wait, and try after I get home? No clear answer. No right way.
This is one of those times when I have to hang on to the roller coaster really tight and do whatever I can to preserve some kind of peace of mind, even a bit here and there, enough to get me through the next few days, and not think too far beyond or I'll be in an even worse state. One day at a time, maybe one hour at a time.
I hate this.
If you've read this far, thank you. Just putting it out there has done me a small bit of good, and as always I'm so very grateful for this forum.
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