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Here we go again

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  • uni
    started a topic Here we go again

    Here we go again

    My boyfriend and I have had major relationship problems in the past. And here we go again. I feel sick about it. I don't know if there's hope for us or not. I can't even think straight. My emotions are in a turmoil.. I'm drawing on my faith and friends, and whatever support I can get. It gets me through the day but it doesn't change a thing.

    Today I read some of my past journal entries. I see that I have personal stumbling blocks that may sink any relationship I try to have with anyone. I've gone for help, he's gone for help, we've gone for help together, and it always comes back to emotional issues I can't seem to get past. I end up thinking I'll never be anything but mixed up, out of step. and incapable of sustaining my part in a healthy relationship.

    I don't want to lose my boyfriend because of my wonkiness/craziness/illness/issues but it looks like that's exactly what's happening. I don't blame him though. He didn't make me this way, and he doesn't need the grief I seem to bring to his life. He deserves happiness, and maybe the best way I can love him is to let him go, if that's what he decides. My heart is breaking here, but I'm pretty sure his has already broken and he's had enough. He says he doesn't want to be around me, talk to me or text with me. I don't know if we have broken up, or he just needs a break from me (it has happened before). I don't know if I'll hear from him again. Meanwhile, I leave on a week-long trip in a few days.

    If he doesn't get in touch before I leave, do I go against his request and try to contact him, or take him at his word and leave him alone? If I try to contact him what might come of it? What kind of shape will I be in to go on a trip? If I don't, and am full of uncertainly, what kind of shape will I be in? What if I wait, and try after I get home? No clear answer. No right way.

    This is one of those times when I have to hang on to the roller coaster really tight and do whatever I can to preserve some kind of peace of mind, even a bit here and there, enough to get me through the next few days, and not think too far beyond or I'll be in an even worse state. One day at a time, maybe one hour at a time.

    I hate this.

    If you've read this far, thank you. Just putting it out there has done me a small bit of good, and as always I'm so very grateful for this forum.

    Last edited by uni; April 11th, 2019, 12:30 PM. Reason: Trying to find the right words

  • uni
    replied
    Ah yes, the gas prices of the past... It helps to have a vehicle that gets good mileage.. B/f and I used to go all the time. That's one of the things I miss. So lately I've gone on my own or with a friend a couple of times.. I thought about taking a drive this past weekend, but didn't feel like fighting all the lake traffic around here. But he beauty of retirement is that you can take a Sunday drive on a weekday if you want to.

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  • AJ
    replied
    Did you go for a 'Sunday drive"? Remember those days, before the high gas prices...

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  • uni
    replied
    I got the car back on Friday. It's so nice to have wheels again!

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  • AJ
    replied
    Ouch! I hope you get it back for the weekend Uni.

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  • uni
    replied
    Unfortunately it will be about a $900 fix, mostly labour of course But at least it's fixable, and my car is worth it to me. Parts were ordered and arrived today, so hopefully it will be up and running in time for the weekend.

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  • AJ
    replied
    You'll get more fresh air over the weekend. Hopefully it's not an expensive fix Uni.

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  • paul m
    replied
    Hello Uni. I hope that there is nothing serious wrong with your car. Take Care. paul m

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  • uni
    replied
    I had considered taking a similar jaunt this weekend. Unfortunately my car's brake warning light came on last night, so no road trips until it's looked at. And that won't happen until Monday at the earliest. Meanwhile I'm not using my car, just to be on the safe side. I can walk or take a bus or cab if I have to, or talk nice to a friend. At least it's not winter. It has occurred to me that if I was still with my boyfriend this would not be a problem. Reality, ick.

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  • AJ
    replied
    Good for you for doing the trip.

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  • paul m
    replied
    Hello Uni. I'm glad that you enjoyed your trip. Take Care. paul m

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  • uni
    replied
    I never was big on meditation either, and still only do a few minutes at a time. I've played around with different ones on youtube and have found a couple that work fairly well for me. Apparently it's normal to have the troublesome thoughts come to mind. They will undoubtedly come, the trick is learning how to send them on their merry way.

    I made progress in another area today. I took a spontaneous little excursion to a small town b/f and I used to sometimes go to for a meal. Today I did a few touristy things there, taking my time. Same place, different experience. The drive there and back was pretty lonely, but I put some music on, which helped. I would have preferred to bring a friend, but nobody was available. I'm glad I didn't let that hold me back though.

    As a bonus I had an enlightening chat with a store clerk about the local area, something that may not have happened had I been with b/f or someone else for that matter. I find that often happens if you go places alone; people are more likely to talk.

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  • paul m
    replied
    Hello Uni. I'm sure that you are still lovable. In regards to meditation I hear that some people have great results. For me it doesn't work as I tend to think about the problems that I shouldn't be thinking about. Take Care. paul m

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  • uni
    replied
    Thank you so much Paul. I appreciate the virtual hugs and the time and effort you put into posting. I hope you're getting by ok.

    I keep a rough homemade mood chart, and can see that I'm having fewer times of emotional turmoil, and more times of engaging in life with some actual interest. It's still a rough go, and will be for some time I expect (if past experience is any indication). It seems to be a question of letting time pass, and how to fill that time while it does. I aim for some sort of balance between time alone and time with others. Also doing necessities, walking a bit, numbing out sometimes, and other times just feeling what I must feel. Writing about it is a great help -- to a surprising extent actually.

    Two days ago a friend informed me that my b/f (I can't bring myself to call him my ex yet ) saw her in a parking lot and called hello to her and they waved. I told her at least he's not taking anything out on my friends! But that night I dreamed about him for the first time since breaking up. In the dream we reconciled and I felt so happy. Then of course I woke up. Crap! But it was nice to spend a little while with him, even if it was only in dreamland.

    And now it's today. My psychologist had strongly suggested meditation to get out of the overwhelming confusion in my mind, so I've been dabbling in it.. This morning I found a meditation video that reminds me I'm loveable (apparently I still am, despite feeling distinctly the opposite). I do feel a little better after the reminder.

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  • paul m
    replied
    Hello Uni. It must be tough to keep seeing your old B/F. My heart goes out to you. Take Care. paul m

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