Introducing myself/having a hard time after a breakup

[1989Dawn]

Hi everyone. My name is Dawn. This is my first post so it's going to be a long one. What I'm hoping to find here is people who go through the same things I am. I feel very alone. I suffer from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm going through a breakup that I'm blaming completely on myself. I'm growing angrier at myself by the day and I know I'll live with the regret forever of letting him go and not getting help sooner. I feel like I really could have fixed our relationship if I had tried fixing myself earlier. What I mean by that is, he had been kindly suggesting therapy to me since we started dating and I finally decided I needed help almost 3 years into the relationship.By this time, he had already had enough. It was starting to effect his own mental health and he broke up with me after 3 years. I have so much anger towards myself that I can't seem to shake. I know I will live with this regret forever. He was such an amazing person. He was kind, funny, extremely patient, and he never once yelled at me. He had tried for so long to help me and just couldn't hold on anymore even though I had finally started therapy and helping myself. It was too late. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself or fully move on.

My depression seems to come and go. (I am on medication, have been for many years.) But right now, it's taking everything out of me. I feel very alone as I don't really have friends. I have my coworkers and acquaintances. I have a great family but I'm extremely private with them. I don't like sharing details of my life with them and especially not my problems. I feel a lot more comfortable talking to complete strangers than I do my family. My ex was the one I turned to. He was my best friend.

I genuinely like how I'm spending my time right now (when I actually do things.) I've found some new hobbies I'm really enjoying but sometimes I can't even gather up the energy to do them. I cry every single night and beat myself up for losing the love of my life. I'm also very scared I'll never find someone else. And I have evidence to back it up. I was alone until I was 25 years old. No one even LOOKED at me before then. The chances of finding someone else that I click with are slim. I'm not someone who will just be with anyone for the sake of being in a relationship. I know what I'm looking for and my ex had every quality I wanted in a person plus more.

I need help. I need someone to talk to who understands what it's like to live with depression and even BPD. My therapist does help but it would be nice to find some friends who have experienced similar feelings/situations as well.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate your time and any help offered. Even messages of support.. Thank you.

[paul m]

Hello 1989 Dawn and welcome t the forum. When a person has a mental illness it becomes harder to meet other people. and can be very hard for that relation to last. I facilitate an in person peer support group and over the years we had two couples meet and get married. Both were single due to a mooddisorder. We also have a fair number of people who have a mood disorder, but who have stuck it out and make a life for themselves. My wife and I have been 43 yrs. There have been large arguments in our life, but not as bad as my parents ,nor as often,

You have started in a good area by reading books. I have included a couple a website that may help, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topi...er/index.shtml .

Just a word of warning:about Doc's and shrinks. Some can be quick on the whatever button saying that you have BPD or PTSP . Those two and Bipolar can be real close together when it comes to statistics and illness marker. One item a doctor taught me was to stand in front of the mirror and say over and over that you are a good person with a bad and difficult to treat illness.
Please don't hesitate to answer more questions. Take Care paul m

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums 1989Dawn.

[1989Dawn]

Thank you, Paul and AJ.

[1989Dawn]

Hello 1989 Dawn and welcome t the forum. When a person has a mental illness it becomes harder to meet other people. and can be very hard for that relation to last. I facilitate an in person peer support group

I'm actually on a waitlist for a Depression support group in my area. I'm hoping to get a call in the next couple of months for it. I wish there was more available.

[AJ]

I hope the wait isn't too long 1989Dawn.

[uni]

Hello and welcome 1989Dawn. I'm sorry to hear you'e in the middle of such troubles. I went through a breakup a few months ago (not over it yet) and can relate to your feelings. I find it hard to counter the self blame and coulda shoulda woulda stuff,

I know that having a mental illness, even if mild, complicates relationships. Still, we do the best we can with what we have at the time. Easy to say, hard to believe sometimes. Time is our friend, but that doesn't make us heal any faster. Much as I'd like to, I can't take away your heartbreak (nor even my own) but please know you're not alone

I did come across something a while back that gave me pause for thought; so for what it's worth:

"Yes, this person didn't want you, but that hardly makes you worthless. Fabulously beautiful and handsome movie stars and models have been dumped and cheated on. It wasn't because they weren't attractive or interesting enough that somebody left them. It was because they weren't a match."