I'm trying not to let my anxiety, and potential related depression get away on me 
I need to have a colonoscopy in a few days and I'm scared. A couple of months back a routine "poop test" came back "abnormal". Of course my mind goes to the worst case scenario which has me with cancer and heaven knows what all involved. I've been doing quite well with just going along and not worrying about it for the most part. After all, the great majority of colonoscopies don't find cancer. They may find other, non life threatening things, or nothing at all. So I remind myself of that. I have no physical symptoms. I saw blood in my stool the day I did the test (something I'd never notice before) but since then none. So these things are in my favour.
About 15 years ago I had a colonoscopy and it was torturous. They didn't give any meds back then to calm you, then part way through the procedure something fudged up with their equipment and I was stuck lying there for an extra 10 or 15 minutes with the nurse talking to me, trying to get my mind off things. The results were fine, not a thing wrong with me. I was being checked out due to having lots of nausea and upset stomach. To this day I believe the cause was too many psych med changes over too short a time.
Fast forward to now. We've got Covid spiralling up where I live. A hospital is not where anyone wants to be, but that's where I have to go. I've never met the doctor who will do the procedure, but I looked him up on the web and he seems ok, no bad reports. I have a friend who will drive me there and back. She's careful about following the Covid rules, as is her family (her daughter works in palliative care) but a couple of grandkids stay overnight with her recently. We;ll have our masks on in the vehicle.
Last spring I was rooting through a cabinet and came across two N95 masks that I'd had for several years and forgot about. My ex-boyfriend gave them to me when I did a bit of sanding. His son worked with drywall and that's how he got them. So I'm considering wearing one, instead of a cloth mask, when I go to the hospital. I don't know if it's a good idea in a way, because what if the workers look at me and think "Why is she wearing that? We might have a shortage down the road." This is how my mind wants to go, to the what-if's.
I was the support person for a good friend who last year had an unexpected abnormal poop test. He ended up having bowel surgery for cancer. He's okay and aside from 6 months blood checkups and a lessened ability to lift stuff he's doing well. But it's all very fresh in my mind. Also losing my brother to cancer this past summer. And when my dad was in his eighties he had colon cancer and got a colostomy bag. So I think anyone in my shoes would have reason for anxiety. Which makes me sort of "normal" I suppose.
Over the next couple of days I have to prepare by going on a special diet and then drinking mega amounts of a special liquid to clean me out. My appointment is super early in the morning three days from now. I don't want to waste these days with worry and feeling down. I think a good cry would be a stress reliever but that hasn't happened. So I'm left with doing the best I can to enjoy the day, use the tools that know work for me, lean on support people as needed,. And of course keep my faith, remembering this too shall pass.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. Now it's time to breathe, take a shower, go for a walk in the nice mild weather, then sit down with a coffee or tea and maybe phone someone.. I have two Christmas cards to write (more if I feel like it) and might even put up my tree (it's out of the storage closet, so that's a start). Tonight I have a 12-step Zoom meeting, which is always good for my perspective; I'm looking forward to it. Tomorrow, as it happens, is a telephone appointment with my psychiatrist. Then a book club (for which I have read no book) Zoom "party" if I feel up to it. And on Thursday another virtual meeting for some volunteer work. So there's no lack of ways to occupy myself.
Now you know way more about my life today than you ever wanted to! I know this post has been lengthy; if you've made it this far, thank you!
I need to have a colonoscopy in a few days and I'm scared. A couple of months back a routine "poop test" came back "abnormal". Of course my mind goes to the worst case scenario which has me with cancer and heaven knows what all involved. I've been doing quite well with just going along and not worrying about it for the most part. After all, the great majority of colonoscopies don't find cancer. They may find other, non life threatening things, or nothing at all. So I remind myself of that. I have no physical symptoms. I saw blood in my stool the day I did the test (something I'd never notice before) but since then none. So these things are in my favour.
About 15 years ago I had a colonoscopy and it was torturous. They didn't give any meds back then to calm you, then part way through the procedure something fudged up with their equipment and I was stuck lying there for an extra 10 or 15 minutes with the nurse talking to me, trying to get my mind off things. The results were fine, not a thing wrong with me. I was being checked out due to having lots of nausea and upset stomach. To this day I believe the cause was too many psych med changes over too short a time.
Fast forward to now. We've got Covid spiralling up where I live. A hospital is not where anyone wants to be, but that's where I have to go. I've never met the doctor who will do the procedure, but I looked him up on the web and he seems ok, no bad reports. I have a friend who will drive me there and back. She's careful about following the Covid rules, as is her family (her daughter works in palliative care) but a couple of grandkids stay overnight with her recently. We;ll have our masks on in the vehicle.
Last spring I was rooting through a cabinet and came across two N95 masks that I'd had for several years and forgot about. My ex-boyfriend gave them to me when I did a bit of sanding. His son worked with drywall and that's how he got them. So I'm considering wearing one, instead of a cloth mask, when I go to the hospital. I don't know if it's a good idea in a way, because what if the workers look at me and think "Why is she wearing that? We might have a shortage down the road." This is how my mind wants to go, to the what-if's.
I was the support person for a good friend who last year had an unexpected abnormal poop test. He ended up having bowel surgery for cancer. He's okay and aside from 6 months blood checkups and a lessened ability to lift stuff he's doing well. But it's all very fresh in my mind. Also losing my brother to cancer this past summer. And when my dad was in his eighties he had colon cancer and got a colostomy bag. So I think anyone in my shoes would have reason for anxiety. Which makes me sort of "normal" I suppose.
Over the next couple of days I have to prepare by going on a special diet and then drinking mega amounts of a special liquid to clean me out. My appointment is super early in the morning three days from now. I don't want to waste these days with worry and feeling down. I think a good cry would be a stress reliever but that hasn't happened. So I'm left with doing the best I can to enjoy the day, use the tools that know work for me, lean on support people as needed,. And of course keep my faith, remembering this too shall pass.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. Now it's time to breathe, take a shower, go for a walk in the nice mild weather, then sit down with a coffee or tea and maybe phone someone.. I have two Christmas cards to write (more if I feel like it) and might even put up my tree (it's out of the storage closet, so that's a start). Tonight I have a 12-step Zoom meeting, which is always good for my perspective; I'm looking forward to it. Tomorrow, as it happens, is a telephone appointment with my psychiatrist. Then a book club (for which I have read no book) Zoom "party" if I feel up to it. And on Thursday another virtual meeting for some volunteer work. So there's no lack of ways to occupy myself.
Now you know way more about my life today than you ever wanted to! I know this post has been lengthy; if you've made it this far, thank you!
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