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  • Parent of 25 year old

    Please help me figure out what to do. I am a divorced mom of 2 adult children still living at home. My son is 25, suffers from severe anxiety and is quick to lash out when he is required to do anything. His pdoc retired and he soon stopped attending his daily anxiety/mental health group. He went to see a new dr today but of course is full of complaints and anger. He spends his days on the computer in the basement and I am wondering if I should remove it? The deal would be he goes back to the group at least 3 times a week. Pretty sure if I do this he will completely lose his mind and be very abusive and belligerent towards me. He will not leave me alone. I have nowhere to turn.

  • #2
    Hi there...
    I feel your pain & I know for me this forum helps me just knowing that I'm not alone going through this!
    I joined in January & my story is in the help for families section under Needs Support if you want to read it. My oldest son is 25 next month & has bpd, depression & anxiety & adhd! My younger son is 22 & has anxiety & depression.
    I am divorced too & all my family are in the UK.
    6 months ago my oldest son moved out & lives nearly 2hrs north of me & my youngest is still at home.
    When my oldest was at home it was a total nightmare with constant arguments or tears! I never knew what the next day would bring. Now he lives away I live a different nightmare as I spend my life worrying about him & jumping everytime the phone rings! He has been through many ups & downs over the last few years with deppresion, alcohol abuse & self-medicating with his meds. I dread that I may get a call asking to come home but I wud never see him on the street. I feel guilty about this but i also know I would be a last resort as he hates where I live in a small town! I just want him to be happy but I have come to realise that he has to take control of his life & I cant do it for him. Last month I stopped making his appointments & picking up his meds & told him he needed to sort it out. He calls me every time he is down which is often & he knows I'm here for him but I have stepped back a lot now. Having said that I am also making myself Ill constantly worrying & living with that horrible knot never leaving my stomach.
    I find it very lonely cos people don't understand mental illness & as a Mum I can't just switch off cos he is 25. He is still my son no matter what.
    I am at present trying to find some kind of counseling for me but it is hard to know where to find that as the parent not the one with bpd! My life revolves around my boys even though I know it shouldn't!! My younger son is still at home & easier to be around as he is not volatile but he doesn't work so I live paycheck to paycheck paying my bills & keeping him too. It's hard.
    My eldest gets assistance but I still help him out too when I can.
    I worry about them both so much. I am on my own & their real father has had nothing to do with them for years & lives in the UK & their stepfather who left me nearly 4yrs ago cut them off when the divorce was finalized last year. He has now remarried the woman he left me for! So I feel like I am both parents & the load on my shoulders gets very heavy.
    I totally relate to the sense of hopeless you feel & I wish I had magic answers. It is exhausting
    I do believe that by stepping back a little it has made him a little more independent. I think I have tried to do too much in the past & in a sense enabled him somewhat. So now I try to be there but with limitations. I constantly tell him I love him but I am also much more firm with him. I want him to know that I am there for him but not to the point he is dependant on me. It was harder for sure when he lived at home but in some ways I worry more now. I feel like I'm living on a knife edge waiting for the next phone call!
    Ultimately the thing I have finally realised is that he is the only person that can come to terms with his illness & learn to live with it. It will never go away & I cant fix him. That was always a big thing for me. As a Mum when your child however old is hurting or in pain you want to fix it & make it better but as an adult they are the only ones that can do that. It's the hardest thing to watch as a parent & be helpless!
    I hope reading this you dont feel quite so alone. Just today I have someone making some enquiries about where to make contact with people to talk to for families that live with this. I am so so lonely with it some days. I just want to curl up in the fetal position & cry I always remind myself on the really bad days that he hates feeling like this & that nobody would chose to feel that way so however bad I am feeling he is feeling worse! I know of people that are much older & living with bpd on a normal level that are stabilised & I pray that one day that will be him.
    I have to find a way to live my life without putting myself in the ground worrying about my boy's!
    I am still working on that!
    I hope that like me you find a little comfort just knowing you are not alone with this! I am right there with you x

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    • #3
      Thank you so much for the reply. I feel very similar to you. My kidsí father hasnít seen them in years also. You are right our children have to be the ones to deal with this themselves we canít fix them. I am finally realizing this.

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      • #4
        Yes but even realising this it doesn't make it any easier for us. In some respects worse as we have no control over it.
        So make sure you take care if yourself too x

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        • #5
          I think I just need to detach and live for myself. He will end up in some terrible places but I have done everything I could. Believe me I tried on banging on every door I could. Now time for me to stop.

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          • #6
            I get it & I really hope things work out for you. That takes a lot of courage & you deserve to be happy too! I don't know if that makes me stronger or weaker I just know I cant walk away from it! They are my boys ❤
            I don't think there are any right or wrong answers in these situations!
            Take care of yourself x

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            • #7
              Hello 13dreams and welcome. I can symathize with you (and with Debbs) . Our son went through a lot of misery as a teen and then as a 20 something. It got so that he wouldn't look for help due to a series of bad docs. I don't think that the docs were all that bad, but in his mind they were and that is the same thing. Change can be extremely hard when you are ill. Particularly if you have had some bad experiences. We ended up bargaining with our son, we picked up some of his expenses if he tried to find treeatment and then follow it. It took a long time as we couldn't be too rigid or we risked losing him altogether. I have no good answers, but I wish you good luck. Our son finally did come around to a large degree and I hope yours will too. Take Care. paul m.
              "Alone we can do so little;
              Together we can do so much"
              Helen Keller

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              • #8
                Thankyou Paul.
                Its always helpful to hear positive words!! It helps look towards the future

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                • #9
                  Thank you so much for your reply Paul! That might be a useful idea for me to keep in mind. (Offering financial help to encourage him to seek and follow treatment). My son also doesnít like this new doctor. Sigh.

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