Food Flailing around

[uni]

Well, here's where I'm at. I've been flailing around with my eating for the past few weeks and it is really getting to me. I tell myself I'm my own worst enemy and beat myself up, which only makes things worse because then I want to hide from the world.

I'm not overweight according to the BMI (body mass index) charts, so it's not that. I know all about calories and nutrition and exercise and fitness, so it's not that. It seems to be about destructive habits and why I'm not changing them. And that's not just with eating, it's with other things too.

I can come on here and say I stuffed my face with junk in front of the TV last night or I haven't been moving my body lately, and although it helps to vent, the behaviours continue. Do I want to invite health problems that are avoidable (I know some aren't but some are)? No. Do I want to feel pukey when I wake up in the morning? No. Do I want to wear my nice clothes that are too tight (and this takes into account shape-shifting thanks to ageing)? Hell yes.

I eat, all too often, to avoid feeling. Emotional eating, it's called. Lately I've been sensing old emotional triggers being activated, and I don't like it. I have had them activated before, many times, but I avoid looking at them, avoid going there, because it feels uncomfortable and I'd rather not. But I guess I will have to if I want anything to change. It scares me. A lot.

Feeding my body low-grade fuel, not giving it the activity it craves, hiding behind my apartment door because of fears that I don't understand is *not* how I want to live. I have made strides in overcoming this sort of thing in the past, and yet here it is again, and getting worse.

I have had what I call big-D major depression too often in my life, and I know its power. I also know that something *else* is at work here, which is actually more confusing to me than big-D depression, because I haven't faced it or accepted it in the same way. What the &*#$ is going on here?

Any input would be appreciated.

[Lizzy]

Just off the top it seems like a very heavy trip you're giving yourself considering you are still within the BMI. I think healthy eating is a great goal & tomorrow is another day to try again. We're just works in progress right?
The triggers you mention, are something to consider more closely. Maybe you want to explore that "something else".

[paul m]

Hello Uni. None of the following may be happening to you, rather it's just my collection of experiences.

My depression always worsens in the spring. Or rather it's being getting very slowly worse all winter. Happens to a lot of people. Not easy to pop out of, but I know that by carefully adjusting my meds and showing a little patience my depression will lift by May.

I used to feel guilty about shape changes, weight changes, lack of exercise, you name it. The only thing that made me do was eat more and exercise less. I have accepted that I am going to have health problems as I age. Heck I've had physical problems all of my life, why would I be any different as I get older. Accepting that I'm not going to be the first vastly over weight person to live to be 90 has actually helped me with my attitude towards life.

A person with a mental illness should always be on the lookout for changes in their mental well being. Sometimes we can go down hill simply because a med no longer works as well for us. As much as I hate changing the amount of meds I take, this winter I had to increase the amount of lithium I take. For no known reason. It turned out to be a small adjustment, but still one I had to make.

Chnage in my life usually doesn't help my moods. That change can be something that I can control, but don't, like not getting enough exercise or it can be something that I can't control, like our son having problems. Still everybody has to learn to live with change. I just do it poorly. But because I recognize that I do it poorly does help me make the change, albiet very slowly.

Well I've rambled enough. I hope that you feel better soon. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Thanks for the input Lizzy and Paul, it means a lot to me and I'm thoroughly considering everything you've said.

I don't think I've properly explained myself, actually. That's because I am confused and seem unable to put "where I'm at" into words. It's a bit like I'm lost in the woods like Hansel and Gretel. My connection with God has even been experiencing some short circuits. This just happens sometimes. I guess if I stop and remember what I learned the other times, then it might help me now.

Lizzy, I think you are right about needing to explore that "something else". And Paul I do realize that, like you say, with age there is bound to be negative health stuff that I will have to accept. What strikes a greater chord is your mention of change and the effects it can have. I think change may be a large element here. This past year of adjusting to retirement, as wonderful as it's been, has involved a lot of changes, big and small.

When it comes to the eating bugaboo, I know, and can feel, the difference between when I eat "normally" and when I'm eating to block out reality. Self-medicating, I've heard it called, by way of food rather than drugs or alcohol. The emotional eating is like a red flag to me, and not the problem in itself, but rather a symptom of or reaction to something else. Unfortunately, symptom or not, it can trigger a downward spiral with some all-or-nothing-thinking, the kind where you say "well I blew it again, what's the use of trying, why bother doing exercise or anything, I'll never wear those nice clothes again, now I don't even feel like going anywhere or seeing people in this frame of mind" etc. etc. Next thing you know, you're not answering the phone because what's the use... Cognitive distortion: the reason CBT courses exist. Maybe I need a refresher course. Cognitive distortion can be a very real factor in bringing on a full-blown depressive episode, so I take it seriously because I know my susceptibilities (is there such a word?)

Anyway, I'm nowhere near not answering the phone, or not wanting to be with people, or not looking presentable. In fact I even went shopping last week and bought some new clothes that fit my shape at present. I have a lot of interest in my hobbies. I have my sense of humour for the most part. These are not red flags for a depressive episode, and I find that comforting, because I'm probably over-vigilant about red flags. Part of anxiety, I suppose.

I do have trouble sleeping many nights though (as I've mentioned in a different thread), which I know *can* be a red flag for a depressive episode, along with over-or-undereating. Not sleeping leaves me vulnerable to outer forces like irritating people, criticism, weather, the Safeway bakery, slow drivers and all that. Depressing news reports. Troubles friends are having. Things get larger than life when you haven't slept. Btw last night I had a decent sleep, in fact I wanted it to continue, but I have commitments today with other people so I got up. So I'm still at a sleep deficit I guess, and must take that into account as I write this.

Thanks for reading this. Writing it has been good for me. I sometimes find myself posting on the forum rather than writing in my journal because here I can get feedback. I don't want to stop journaling though, because there's nothing quite like it, and my diaries and pens have been steadfast friends to me since I was twelve.

Now I'm off to the witch's house if I can find it. A whole house made of candy, jeez, that could provide an escape from reality for a long time...

[AJ]

Oh Uni, I wish I had sonme words of wisdom but I don't so I just want to pass on a hug.

[astronaut]

hey Uni,

I've been reading this thread and like AJ, I also wish I had some wise words of wisdom.
I do hope that your sleep improves though because I think you're right that that might be a factor in this "not quite right" feeling
you've been having.
be well,
astronaut

[Kaight]

"well I blew it again, what's the use of trying, why bother doing exercise or anything, I'll never wear those nice clothes again, now I don't even feel like going anywhere or seeing people in this frame of mind"

Uni – did you sneak into my brain with a tape recorder?

I think I kind of understand where you are right now. Sounds like maybe you’re at the edge of the chasm of depression, you’re looking down into the abyss, all to aware of what it’s like within.

I often find myself at the edge, so afraid of stepping in mud and slipping into the hole. I become hyper-vigilant, analyzing everything, trying to control everything. It’s like disaster alert and all my energy goes into staying out of the hole. Only this leads to (as you mentioned) distorted thinking. Over eating means I’ve lost control. Not exercising – again – loss of control. I got angry? Must be a symptom. I think it ends up as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Based on your post below and all your other posts I think you have a great set of tools to go at this with. Best of luck with the evil magnetic force of the Safeway bakery!

Wow... I could rally go for some gingerbread right now...

Kaight

[uni]

I feel so grateful for such empathy and understanding - and I can tell from what you all say that you *do* empathize and understand.

AJ, the hug is much appreciated. Astronaut, you are so right about the sleep; I've had a few good nights in a row now, and it makes a big difference. Kaight, I think you are very in tune with where I'm at right now. It's hard sometimes to separate the red flags from the fear, and it does require a lot of energy to fight any loss of control. I would do better by simply accepting yesterday and living today with appreciation for being alive, period.

As for the Safeway bakery, it doesn't become magnetic unless I'm vulnerable. Nor does the ice cream aisle or other people's homemade goodies. I have no trouble with them when I'm in a healthy frame of mind. In that case, I can enjoy "yummies" in moderation, or happily skip them, it's neither here nor there.

I'm an emotional person by nature, and when I get too tired my emotions can easily overtake me. Even when I'm rested they can - and sometimes do - for the smallest reasons. I know it's emotions at play when I eat junk - or anything else - alone, at night, mindlessly. At least I recognize that much, but I haven't yet figured out how to deal with those emotions. I'm not even sure what they are, let alone what's causing them. I hope I do though, because this is getting in the way of daily life and pissing me off . Hmm...it would appear that one of those emotions is anger...

I think you have a great set of tools to go at this with.

That I do, Kaight. I also have a strong independent streak. This can be an asset or a liability. It has taken years of help from many quarters (doctors, meds, counselling, you name it) for me to get and stay relatively healthy, and I want to remember that. I will do whatever it takes to be well, but it seems (big surprise) that I can't do it all alone. Every time I try, I get into trouble. I don't even realize I'm trying to run the whole show until I get all out of whack, and then it's "Oh boy - again? What's up with this?" Drat, better take a look. Drat, better talk to a friend or something...

My goodness, why is it always the same old lessons I need to learn?

I guess I need other people and God, just like always, to jog my memory and prod me to grow. But even knowing that, there are still times when I just want to stay put. Freaking growing pains

[astronaut]

Hey Uni,

glad to hear that you got a bit more sleep in these past few nights. I also appreciate your long post because it helps me to feel like
I know you better which is nice! I wish I had more suggestions about the emotional eating thing. I am not actually all that certain
whether I am an emotional person or not. I have spent so much of the past few years being apathetic a lot of the time that I am
not sure if I could be described as "emotional." I don't tend to overeat sweets even either; it just never was my coping mechanism.
I do eat a lot though but it usually isn't a problem because I am so active most of the time. Could you impose a rule on yourself
that you cannot eat anything past a certain time at night (say 7:00) and that might help reduce the night time munchies? It's
better to save your bigger meals for earlier in the day if you can.

I do sometimes go through periods of anger too but I haven't for a while now so I feel like I don't quite remember what it is like.
Sometimes I like feeling anger because at least it is something; it makes me feel strong and alive somehow.

You have also mentioned several times in other posts that this is your first year of retirement and I know that retirement can
have a considerable emotional effect on people whether or not they have a mood disorder. That is a huge life change and big life
changes like that can sometimes take a year to get used to. Even if there is less work stress, change in structure and
expectations, and social interactions, and even income can all affect us in various ways.
That's all I've got to say right now, I guess.
I hope you have a good weekend,
astronaut

[uni]

Astronaut, when you talk about being apathetic I know what that's like too. It does kind of take the fun out of life when things just don't matter much. I spent a lot of years that way, which I now attribute to being over-medicated. I do hope you become able to experience more emotion as time goes by.

I couldn't agree more with what you've said about adjusting to retirement. I've had a great time "playing" this past year, but am entering a new phase now. I remain *very* happy to be done with my job, and to have freedom. Freedom, however, means lots of choices. Some of my choices have been good for me, and some detrimental. I feel like Columbus heading for a new world, without having got my sea legs yet. Or like I'm in retirement school, in the kindergarten class. Thankfully, I have always loved both learning and travel, so the adventure suits me .

The last couple of weeks have been instrumental in activating introspection for me. I've had encounters and experiences (which I won't go into here) that are acting like crowbars to get me looking at myself and my life. It feels very uncomfortable, but almost in a good way (if that makes any sense). Suffice it to say that it's time I dealt with some old issues that I've been stuffing for many years. I've stuffed them (and lately my face, the closer they get to the surface) because they are so painful to look at. But I'm tired of dragging them around, and the time has come to work through them. I'd love to zap them with a light sabre or something, but I have a feeling this will be a little more painstaking. Dammit .

And then there's daily life. I want, and need, to build more structure into my days and weeks, but am not sure how to go about it. It seems to come down to time management, something that has never been my strong point. I fritter away a lot of time and know I'd feel better accomplishing more than I do. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY FUN DISTRACTIONS OUT THERE! (I'll get down to work after this next one...) As for the time I spend reading and posting on this forum: there's a little switch inside me that tells me when I've done enough, or whether it's time I did more. I have that same switch for pretty much everything, but I ignore it and/or go into denial at times.

When it comes to emotional eating, too often I override the switch . And although I like your suggestion, Astronaut, about not eating past 7 pm, I have tried it in the past and failed miserably. However, now that you have mentioned it, I am going to give it a try tonight. I will try to stop and think about what I'm feeling when I want to eat mindlessly. I hope I can do it. I don't trust myself, but I will try .

Anyway, there is lots more I could put in this post, but my switch is activating, so that will do for now. Thanks for reading.

[paul m]

Hello All. Astronaut makes a good point in regards to night time eating. I agree that not eating after a certain time would be beneficial, but I too have never been able to do that. It's like eating a proper breakfast does get me off to a good start in the day, I just never seem to do it.

The one thing that I have been able to do and it seems to be helping me have less cravings is putting off eating anything with a heavy sugar content until later in the day. I don't eat jam toast and I don't put sugar in my coffee, when I have cereal I watch for the hidden sugar. That seems to help a lot with my later in the day cravings. Yeah I know not eating anything with a high sugar content would be better, but that isn't going to happen some days. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Paul, I like the sugar tactic you mentioned. I guess I've been doing the same thing without realizing it. I have to force myself to eat enough protein most of the time, but sugar I don't have to force down

As for the night time eating, I held off until after 10 pm last night. Not exactly what I'd hoped for, but at least I delayed the munchies for a time. Tonight I'm aiming for an apple, maybe two, before bed. It's a compromise I used to live with, and hope I can again.

Emotionally, my feelings were close to the surface today. I did some reading, some praying, went for coffee and light conversation with a couple of people, and attended my 12-step group. I also shed a few tears in the afternoon and did a bit of grieving for things past. All necessary, and all helpful.

[astronaut]

Good luck with the night time eating thing, Uni. Take care of yourself,
astronaut

[uni]

Thank you Astronaut. I did better with it last night (kept it to three apples) and slept well.

I woke up this morning all stuffed up and headachey, with a bit of a sore throat and sneezing; I think my sister has given me her cold. Feeling physically blah makes us more vulnerable to feeling down mentally and emotionally; also this past week I've had a sore back (very rare for me) which hasn't helped my mood.

Anyway, I had a few more tears in bed this morning. I was feeling guilt for some past transgressions, and had a talk with God. After that I got out of bed feeling grateful for a new day, another new beginning. So this is a good start; we'll see what the rest of the day brings...

[Kaight]

Uni – how did your not eating past 7pm go? Sometimes when I find myself eating mindlessly I make myself go to bed. It seems to be the only thing that works. Sometimes I go to bed very early.

I had a really good thing going for a while – I managed to teach my brain to ask my stomach when it was hungry and only ate then. This is how I found out just how often I was eating for reasons other than hunger. Emotional was one reason. Social was another. I didn’t want leftovers, cookies taste yummy, my jaw was bored, because popcorn makes a movie better, cake makes any day a party day…. Well, I think you get the point! It took a lot of practice at first, but after a bit of time I found myself asking my stomach over my brain on a regular basis. Never feeling stuffed was the positive reinforcement I got. Of course for this to work there has to be a strong component of self worth… sounds like you are struggling right now Uni … I thought I’d share anyways as, at least for me, eating mindlessly usually leaves me feeling worse and I really want you to feel better, not worse!

I also concur with what Paul said about sweets. I found that anytime I had cereal for breakfast (some sugar laden variety) I’d get hungry again really soon and crave sweets… and give into those cravings throughout the day. This also goes for sugar in my coffee. When I eat plain oatmeal or toast with peanut butter, for example, I stay fuller longer and don’t have the same sweet cravings. Of course when I’m feeling a bit low on myself I bit of maple syrup usually finds its way into my coffee… and a cookie or two finds its way into my lunch… the mind seems to always be in charge – whether or not it’s up to the challenge!

Sorry to hear you’ve got a cold. I’m just getting over one myself. You’re defiantly right about being sick making us more vulnerable to feeling down… I’ve been very frustrated the last couple of days! One good thing I find is that there is a little window at the end where the cold symptoms start to lift and I feel like everything’s going to be OK. Now if only I could keep that positivism forever!

Kaight