It's been quite a while since I posted about food and related issues, so I figure it's about time. Interesting things have been happening for me. I'm learning that, left to their own devices, my body and my appetite instinctively know what's best. Who knew? I guess I had totally lost any trust in them, and felt they were becoming the enemy. Which of course made me very scared. Now I am not so scared.
Here's what happened. I went traveling. I hadn't felt so good in years. I got involved in some interesting activities which involved lots of walking and daily physical use of my body. I spent time among active, interesting people with whom I ate, drank, and was merry. The weather suited me. I was tired at the end of the day, I slept pretty well most nights, and I woke up wanting breakfast. I ate regular, nourishing meals. I enjoyed treats - in moderation. And the amazing part was, I didn't even have to really think about it, I just did it.
Now, fast forward to today. I am back to eating out of loneliness and boredom. I'm not sleeping too badly, but not too well either. I stay up late and sleep in the next day. I'm back to hanging around inactive people (mainly my loved ones, bless their sedentary hearts) who don't encourage physical activity and like to eat out a lot and snack in between. I feel like we have the same conversations over and over, and do the same things over and over. And as enjoyable as those conversations and things might be, they are getting old. And I feel sort of sad about it.
But I know - have been reminded - that I still have it in me to be happily, non-anxiously, healthy. Given the right conditions (some of which must be arranged by me), I can eat and exercise in a workable, non-compulsive way. I can enjoy the company of others without major anxiety. I have it in me to come up with fun and interesting things to talk about and do, some of which hopefully will appeal to those around me too, and we can do them together. Depression robbed me of so much of that over the years. More than I realized.
I used to have my very own life, Uni's life. Then slowly, over time, I lost it. I got about as depressed as a person can get and still not kill themselves. Then I cried, literally, for help from whoever would listen. Very, very slowly I began to get better, leaning heavily on others at first. Over time, I gradually learned to walk again emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I still trip and fall regularly, but even so I feel able to help others to walk again if they ask me to. Which helps me as much, or more, as them. I believe we are all in this together. But I'm digressing...
When it comes to my current situation, I'm well aware that holidays away are not the same as daily life. However, why can't I borrow some of my holiday behaviours and use them now that I'm back home? That's what I plan to do - although at the moment I'm not sure what that entails. In any case, I'll sort it out. It just feels good to know that there are things I can do.
I'm having trouble finding the right words to explain myself here. I guess I just want to share that good things and good feelings do sometimes happen. Uni's life, my very own life, is growing....
Here's what happened. I went traveling. I hadn't felt so good in years. I got involved in some interesting activities which involved lots of walking and daily physical use of my body. I spent time among active, interesting people with whom I ate, drank, and was merry. The weather suited me. I was tired at the end of the day, I slept pretty well most nights, and I woke up wanting breakfast. I ate regular, nourishing meals. I enjoyed treats - in moderation. And the amazing part was, I didn't even have to really think about it, I just did it.
Now, fast forward to today. I am back to eating out of loneliness and boredom. I'm not sleeping too badly, but not too well either. I stay up late and sleep in the next day. I'm back to hanging around inactive people (mainly my loved ones, bless their sedentary hearts) who don't encourage physical activity and like to eat out a lot and snack in between. I feel like we have the same conversations over and over, and do the same things over and over. And as enjoyable as those conversations and things might be, they are getting old. And I feel sort of sad about it.
But I know - have been reminded - that I still have it in me to be happily, non-anxiously, healthy. Given the right conditions (some of which must be arranged by me), I can eat and exercise in a workable, non-compulsive way. I can enjoy the company of others without major anxiety. I have it in me to come up with fun and interesting things to talk about and do, some of which hopefully will appeal to those around me too, and we can do them together. Depression robbed me of so much of that over the years. More than I realized.
I used to have my very own life, Uni's life. Then slowly, over time, I lost it. I got about as depressed as a person can get and still not kill themselves. Then I cried, literally, for help from whoever would listen. Very, very slowly I began to get better, leaning heavily on others at first. Over time, I gradually learned to walk again emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I still trip and fall regularly, but even so I feel able to help others to walk again if they ask me to. Which helps me as much, or more, as them. I believe we are all in this together. But I'm digressing...
When it comes to my current situation, I'm well aware that holidays away are not the same as daily life. However, why can't I borrow some of my holiday behaviours and use them now that I'm back home? That's what I plan to do - although at the moment I'm not sure what that entails. In any case, I'll sort it out. It just feels good to know that there are things I can do.
I'm having trouble finding the right words to explain myself here. I guess I just want to share that good things and good feelings do sometimes happen. Uni's life, my very own life, is growing....
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