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Lonely

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    Lonely







    Lately Iíve been dealing with a lot of mixed emotions. I canít figure out what feeling is hurting me most. I also donít know where to start when dealing with them. Iíve tried medication, therapy, and simply asking a loved one for help but Iím not making any progress. Iíve struggled with drugs and alcohol for the majority of my life. Things had gotten real bad to the point where I attempted suicide multiple times. I was put in jail for a short period of time due to self harm. Thankfully the charges I faced were dropped and I was given another chance. During the time I was looking for support and a reason to live I found myself getting pulled deeper into the dark place I created for myself. First I had blamed everyone else for where I was, I was mad so I would lash out on anyone who I thought was disrespecting me or hurt me. I began to isolate myself. I wanted a fresh start with new friends who cared for me. What I found were people who wanted a part of the drama. They would stir the pot and damage me more. I was emotionally unstable and completely broke down. I would say things I never thought would come from my mouth. I would yell, fight, and try to be the monster I thought everyone had saw me as. Eventually I didnít talk to anyone or leave the house. I accepted my life the way it was and I took my meds. I got addicted to them but didnít care. I started using meth and all of a sudden I stopped being the hermit in my basement. I got outside I did things. I talked to people. I started working again...but now I had a secret. Everyone thought I was doing great and on the outside it sure looked like I was. Inside I was dying because I had that secret. I started dating a girl which I knew was a bad idea because I had that secret. But I was selfish and used her as an excuse to get clean and feel less alone. I hid that secret from everyone until I finally decided to quit the drug. Then I wouldnít have to tell anyone. Well I felt guilty and one day I got into an argument with the gf and she could tell I was hiding something so I came clean about everything. I had been sober for 3 months when this happened but it crushed her. Need less to say her and my best friend had left me. Before doing so she agreed to give it a second chance if I told my dad and talk to an addiction council. I agreed to it and I did both those things. The last words she said to me was ďdonít worry, Iím not abandoning you.Ē Those words have never hurt so bad in my life. That word has never had more meaning to it than the way it does now. I was completely abandoned. My dad didnít seem concerned about the addiction he figured I had learnt my lesson by them leaving. Then he told me I couldnít tell the rest of the family because they wouldnít be able to handle it well. Iím an addict and Iíve come to terms with that, Iíve accepted it. I tell whoever I want because Iím not embarrassed anymore. The problem is that I feel like Iím an embarrassment. The people I thought that would be there were gone. Itís been a lonely battle and Iíve had my ups and downs. Iím doing a lot better than I was a year ago but I just canít shake these feelings and I donít know how to move forward. One thing that bothers me the most is the stigma that drug has. According to the internet Iím a monster that canít be trusted or loved. It really hurts and makes it that much harder to stay sober especially when youíre just as disgusted in yourself as the people youíve told. I wonít go back to that drug, itís caused enough hurt in my life. All I ever wanted was to be happy, I have no idea what makes me happy anymore or what to do. I just work to pay the bills and go to the gym because thatís all I can do now.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums Krty. A few things struck me reading your post.

    The first was that you were thrown in jail for suicide attempts. Do they not have a hospital where you live, or anywhere near by?!

    The second is your strength and determination to stop using the alcohol and drugs. That is no small feat.

    Are there any resources in your area that might be helpful? Councilling? Support groups?


    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

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      #3
      Well I got caught trying to steal a gun from my friends house. There were a couple charges which ended up getting dropped. I checked myself in to a hospital for a while after that and yeah Iíve tried counciling but my benefits got cut off a couple months ago so I havenít gone back. Iíve started a new job in a different city which keeps me occupied most of the time. I usually work everyday which is nice in a way that I donít have time to think too much. The downside is I donít have a social life anymore being in a new city and I donít get out of the house other than to work.

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        #4
        Hello Krty. I'm not sure you're still checking the forum, but in any case hello and welcome.
        uni

        ~ it's always worth it ~

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