Would love some insight....

[CoolBeans]

Hi there!

I wasn't sure if I should post here, or in the "introduce yourself" section, but I decided on here.

My boyfriend has serious anxiety and depression issues that are affecting our relationship. By the sounds of it, he has always had these problems, but they have become worse. He has regular emotional outbursts (of anxiety) and it affects daily activities. He doesn't sleep, or oversleeps. He is physically achy, often. He refuses to get help, because he thinks they're going to medicate him against his will, and he will somehow not be the person he is now. He thinks these problems will just eventually get better on their own, and he'll "live with it".

I've left him pamphlets, listened, suggested, held his hand, offered to go as support, and to no avail.

It's starting to take a toll on me, and our relationship I fear. I feel like I can't handle it anymore, and I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, but it's beginning to affect me, and I don't think I can let that happen.

I'm sure there are some of you out there that have experienced something similar before, and I'm hoping that you might be able to provide some insight for me. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for listening

CB

[astronaut]

Hi CoolBeans,

Posting on this thread is as good a place as any to start with so no worries.

It sounds like you are a really caring person who is trying to do all the right things. I can understand though how his moods may be taxing on your relationship.

I have never been in a relationship before; however, I have had the experience of becoming somewhat alienated from my friends and losing other friends when I have been in a depressive state. I truly am hard to be around when things get rough.

You could try urging your boyfriend to just get a physical. It is important to rule out other physical ailments which could be causing some of his symptoms before jumping to the conclusion that he is mentally ill and needs meds. While he is getting his physical, as long as he is truthful and the doctor is insightful, they should be able to detect that some mood problems are occuring.

You can let him know that no one can make him take meds against his will (unless he is completely out of his mind I guess). His worry that meds might somehow change who he is, is a common worry. I have identity crisis often, especially when I was experimenting with different meds. It is scary, you begin to wonder: which is the real me, which is the medications, and which is the disorder?!

When it comes down to it, if meds are recommended over other forms of "talk therapy" or CBT, he can try taking the meds and if they don't feel right to him, he can come off of them or try another medication or combo of meds. If the meds make him feel a lot better then he might be more cooporative in his continuation of the meds. It is also possible for someone to take meds, feel better and then come off of them because they feel good and then have a relapse because they came off of their meds... Meds really are a tricky, psychological issue.

Often it is best to utilize a combination of a type of "talk therapy" with meds. By doing this, he can bring up his qualms about the medications with his social worker/psychotherapist/peer support worker/whomever. By bringing up these issues with a professional he may be able to learn coping mechanisms to deal with his worries about taking the meds.

This seems hard on you and I commend the hard work and love that you have shown toward him through his struggles. You are also right in that you need to take care of yourself too. I hope you find some more information from others on the forum.

be well,
astronaut

[paul m]

Hello CoolBeans and welcome. I will just echo what Astonaut has said. She has given you some really good advice. I will add a bit on CBT. (cognetive behavioural therapy)

A good CBT course has a cure rate of about 40-50% for people with depression and higher for those with anxiety issues. Most people with those illnesses usually recieve at least some benefit from CBT even if not helped 100%. The main benefit is that it is drug free and the techniques involved last a lifetime.

Some areas have inexpensive or free CBT courses that are quite good. (a poor cbt course is useless) In other area one must pay for them and they can be costly in the range of $800-1000. However as the course will last the rest of a persons life, say 40 years, that is only$20-25 per year. Sometimes the expensive courses will offer a reduced rate or allow payment over the 8-10 weeks of the course. However the real benefit is in improving how we feel. Certainly not everyone is cured who takes these courses, but there are also not side effects either and that can be a problem with medication. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums CoolBeans.

[A.E.V.]

welcome coolbeans!!

[ladyswan]

Hi Coolbeans,

Welcome to the forum.

I was in a very similar relationship a few years ago and know it isn't easy. It took me over a year to convince him to get help for the same reasons and when he did his therapist eventually suggested medications after doing 6 months of CBT. He discontinued therapy after that and eventually stopped the meds.

I wish it had some sort of happy ending to tell you about but in the end I suggested he move back in with his parents because he couldn't work or take care of himself and I had nothing left to give him. He was too sick for me to help and unless we split up he'd keep trying to make me be his everything. It was unhealthy for both of us.

Hopefully you can convince your boyfriend to start with talk therapy and see what issues need to be addressed.

[Atlantis]

Welcome CoolBeans

[Re-O]

Hi Coolbeans,

Love the name! Welcome to the forum.

I have been on the other side of the relationship and my heart goes out to you. It must be so hard to watch a person struggle, yet be to worried to seek help. Astronaut had some great points so there is no sense repeating her.

I will share a bit of my journey though. Prior to my diagnosis, I hated medication. I didn't even like taking Tylenol. Eventually I got to a point where there really wasn't too many options left for me. I gave in and took the meds and after gaining some control over my thoughts and moods, I began to like myself more. Now, I had to experiment with a few things before we found the right combination but the effort was worth it.

I also find this forum helps me. It's a place where people can freely talk about their struggles and I often see myself in what's being said. I also know that if I need to, there are so many willing people who understand and will gladly verbally walk me through the hard times.

It's a bit tricky for me to understand yet but I found that in order to feel better about myself, I had to accept the fact that I needed help and had to let go of my pride to regain one that is far more stable.

I wish you well as you share this journey with him.

[CoolBeans]

Hi there,

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I know I'm a little late to the party with my reply.

He refuses to go for a physical - so that's kind of out at the moment. He's recently had a breakdown of sorts, and he keeps saying things like "why aren't I normal, I hate myself, why am I like this" and has been more open to talking to someone. However, when I suggest it a couple of days later after he's cooled down, of course the desire for help goes away. Although he has been definately more receptive to hearing about options in terms of counselling, etc. Tonight I'm going to try to push him a bit to pick up the phone, since I can't do it for him...(literally, the place wants to hear from him). Wish me luck :-)

[Lizzy]

I wish you luck and a hello at the same time. Kudos to you for your supportive outlook.

[astronaut]

good luck Coolbeans. It sounds like he really needs to make that call.

[paul m]

Hello Coolbeans. I hope that he does look for help. I cannot diagnose what he has, but two things are apparent. One, many people needlessly die every year because they refuse to seek any medical help. Whether that be a physical or a mental health check up.

Second, relationships take a lot of work. Relationships where there is a major mental or physical illness take even more work. However they can succeed if both parties agree to work on the issues. My own mental health is not the greatest, but my spouse puts up with it because I (we) try very hard to understand the illness and we work at minimizing the effects of the illness.

While they say that love conquers all, "they" never had to live with someone who wouldn't work on their mental health issues. I hope that you can convince him to get help. Take Care. paul m