Sad, angry and frustrated

[uni]

I'm not writing this as a mood disordered person, but as a family member. It's a rather dark subject, so be forwarned.

Recently a cousin of mine, aged 45, committed suicide by hanging. This has been working on me. It happened two weeks ago. Due to circumstances the funeral is not for another week. This is not helping. Neither is hearing about how it was "stupid", and other insensitive comments. To which I have replied that I think when someone tries to kill themselves, it's not because they want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Which I believe to be true.

This has been a wake-up call in that I am seeing with clarity that there is something hereditary going on with mental illness in my family. I have been pretty much the one who is "out of the closet" about my troubles, and I prefer the honesty of that, but since my cousin's death I realize just how hurtful the stigma and ignorance and judging really is, and if they say it about my cousin they could as easily say it about me. Which p---es me off royally. Phhhhhtt! And makes me want to cry, except I can't seem to, which worries me because usually I am a crier.

He was just a troubled child of God. Why can't people understand that, and show a little respect? I suppose it might as well begin with me...sigh. I get tired of it beginning with me.

Sorry if it seems like I'm just crying in my beer, but I just feel like crap right now. Not with depression, but with sadness and anger and frustration.

Oh yeah. I also just found out that a 20-year-old nephew of mine got jumped and beat up on last weekend because he is gay. That is working on me too. Not that he is gay - I'm fine with that - but that he has to pay such a price for being himself.

Well, I guess I will chat with God (again) about all this, and I thank you for reading/listening. I guess some time just needs to pass...

[A.E.V.]

hi uni...
I know what you mean about people being insensitive... I'm sorry to hear about your trials!! people just don't get it. they really don't. I wish I knew what to say, but unfortunately I do not. hang in there.

thinking of you,

Anne.

[paul m]

Hello Uni. Unfortunately people just don't understand the amount of suffering a person who commits suicide often goes through. I can certainly understand your sadness and your anger over the situation.

Just as people often do not understand or wish to understand that being gay is not a choice, they prefer to remain ignorant about the facts of mental illness.

While many people are mean and insensitive in their remarks I have known many very nice people who just cannot wrap their minds around mental illness. It is a difficult subject for them and when they say something dumb like "he had so much to live for" often they mean well. That does not excuse them, but it may help you understand some of the comments.

I know in my own family that if I and my doctor had been advised of the history of bipolar in the family going back generations, a large part of my life may have been different. Unfortunately many members of my family are still very secretive and its only a matter of time till someone harms themselves due to lack of knowledge.

All we can do is gently try and educate them. And of course grind our teeth at their slowness and unwillingness to catch on. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

I hope you find a nice soft pillow for those tears that are afraid to come.
Sometimes the very best thing we can do, is cry.

{{{Uni}}}

[Woody]

Sorry to hear about your loss Uni.
I think for a lot of people, including myself, the topic of suicide is a very difficult thing to deal with. It does not excuse bad behaviour or insensitive comments.
Our thoughts are with you...

[uni]

Thank you all for your kindness and support; it helps a lot.

I finally did have myself a really good cry. As it turned out there were several other things going on within me that I hadn't realized were bothering me so much, so I ended up crying over them, too. And you know what? It was a great relief. How can a person store up so many emotions and not even realize it? This isn't the first time, but I still don't quite get it.

P.S. It's Monday morning and I work in half an hour and I feel like crap. Just need to grumble. Crap, crap, blech!

[paul m]

Hello Uni. On the emotion thing, I have no idea either. I often think that I have my emotions under control on a subject and three other ones spring up to over whelm me.

On the grumble part, I've always believed that a certain amount of grumbling was good for the soul. Of course I always like to do things I'm good at . Take Care. paul

[uni]

Re: grumbling-- my soul must be very healthy by now! However, at the moment I want to report that I made it through Monday in one piece and am thankful; i.e. doing the opposite of grumbling. For the moment.

We'll see what Tuesday brings...

[paul m]

Hello Uni. Well I cannot speak for you, but my soul is very healthy, at least in my mind, it's my brain I having some problems with . Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

A good cry does make all different

Sometime I will listen to music and all of a sudden the flood gates open. It's not always apparent ie the song does not have any significant meaning, but I obviously needed the release...

[uni]

Well, today I went to my cousin's funeral. A little church, packed. And the "if only's" ran through my head: if only somebody had paid more attention, if only he had asked for help, if only somebody had reached out just that once...

Please do not commit suicide. Please make just one more call, just one more until you reach a human being. Do not pack a little church after it is too late.

May God bless.

[paul m]

Hello Uni. I am sure that you had a very tough and emotional day.

Unfortunately suicide is a permanent solution to lifes' temporary problems.(temporary can be a long time, but not as long as eternity)

It is natural to say " if only" after a terrible event such as this. The truth of the matter is most times we can do nothing to help as we are seldom fully aware of the persons' problems and when aware we are woefully unequipped with the knowledge needed to create a working solution.

However knowing that does not seem to lower the pain we feel during those times. I hope that your grief and suffering will pass quickly.

Your plea for someone to reach out one more time is very touching and worth remembering. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

Uni was it openly discussed that he had committed suicide?

[uni]

Thanks Paul. Everything you say in your post is all too true. I suppose we do the best we can with what we know. I myself will be fine, it's just so hard on the immediate family; their pain is so evident. I just pray.

Woody, you ask a very thought-provoking question. The answer is yes and no. When I spoke with his mother a few days after his death she was quite open with me, for which I was grateful. I was glad she felt safe enough to share.

However, at the funeral and at the lunch that followed there was no mention made of the circumstances. It was there in the air but not in words. I guess people address things (or not) the way they see fit. Should a suicide take place - God forbid - in someone closer to me, I would dearly hope it could be grieved more openly; personally I think it would be more helpful emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But that, as I say, is only my opinion; I do not judge.

[AJ]

I have had times when I've been at my doctors office, and at the end thought to myself, please don't let me walk out of your office, I may never be back. Of course I haven't told them how desperate, how suicidal I felt. I've been on the phone with a friend, or having a visit over coffee, and thought the same thing as I got up to leave. I try to reach out, but somehow I never manage to spit it out.

I'm so sorry for the pain you & the family have to go through. Here's a cyber hug